'WIBTA if I cut my daughter from my will for the pain she's caused?'
"WIBTA if I cut my daughter from my will for the pain she's caused?"
Ok_Property_8342
My son recommended that I post here because we're all heartbroken. My wife Angela (64F) and I (66M) have two kids: Maggie (38F), who's married to Quentin (39M) and Adam (35M), who's married to Lily (32F).
Maggie and Quentin have been trying for kids for the past few years and are about to start a second round of IVF soon after the first round failed this past fall. It's been an emotional process for all of us, and we've been trying to support them as much as possible.
Adam and Lily have also been trying for kids for a while, and just told us that Lily is pregnant. They told Maggie and Quentin privately so they wouldn't hear it from anyone else. Maggie and Quentin took it politely, but Maggie hasn't spoken to Adam and Lily at all since they told her the news.
Angela has been trying to ask Maggie for updates about the IVF process so we can come out and help if needed, as Quentin can't drive/take her to appointments. When Angela tentatively asked Maggie how she's feeling about Lily and Adam's news, Maggie started screaming at her that she doesn't want to hear anything about "that whelp" and refused all help from everyone.
Apparently she thought that the way Adam and Lily broke the news to them was condescending and pitying, and now she wants nothing to do with Adam, Lily, or their pregnancy.
Every time Angela calls, Maggie screams at her and hangs up the phone. Now Maggie blocked all of our phone numbers and won't speak to us. We talked with Quentin, who said to give Maggie time.
It's been five weeks and she hasn't spoken to anyone. Angela's inconsolable, Adam misses his sister desperately, and Lily feels lonely and confused. I want my family happy again.
I want to cut Maggie from our will and just focus on Adam and Lily, but Angela said that Maggie is just in pain and we should give her time. WIBTA if I cut Maggie out of my will for the pain she's been causing us?
Here were the top rated comments from readers after reading what the OP had to say:
Amiedeslivres
YTA. If you want less pain in your family, don't go causing more pain. You're choosing the nuclear option out of frustration. Maggie's pain is current, ongoing, and raw--and possibly exacerbated by any cycle management she's having to do as part of IVF.
You want her to put it aside and wear a happy face for you, and you would rather abandon her during a dark time in her life than actually be steadfast and love her through it. You're making this very much about you.
In an effort to be kind, Lily and Adam may have come across as pitying, which can add to a grieving and despairing person's pain. The right thing to do right now is give Maggie space. One of the central hopes for her life may be disintegrating before her eyes, your other child is having her heart's desire handed to him.
She does have to come to terms with that, but she will have to do so on her own and in her time. You can't force this process any more than you could force her to start dating after losing her spouse.
There's no need to subject yourself to more lashing-out than you can handle, but you needn't abandon Maggie. You and your wife should back off and let her grieve alone to the extent she needs to. (If she and Quentin are eventually forced to give up on their hopes, perhaps you can offer *through Quentin* to pay for some counseling.)
Adam and Lily need to understand that it's not kind to expect Maggie to be a source of support in their joy while she's in the middle of what can feel like an ongoing loss. Nice if Maggie can manage it, but it sounds like she just can't. Life works that way sometimes.
Just...yeah. It's an awful time for Maggie and even if you can't handle actively being present to her pain, you should be ready to meet her on the other side of it.
savinathewhite
Take a step back, here. Your daughter is clearly struggling, and you can’t give her space for a few months while she sorts things out, before jumping to “I’m going to cut her out if my life and my will because she’s not acting the way I want”. Wow.
I wonder where your daughter learned that massive overreaction behavior from? Was her response rational? No She’s clearly overwrought and lashing out, probably on pregnancy hormones or suffering from grief and stress. Was your response rational? Also no. What’s your excuse? YTA.
FlyoverState61
It’s amazing to me that you want your family happy again but you’re willing to immediately jump to cutting someone from your will. How about you give your daughter some time & space & offer to wait as long as it takes. And you have no idea how your precious son & DIL told your daughter the news. Maybe they were condescending. Your daughter is allowed to feel how she feels.
And what pain has she caused you?! SHE hasn’t been able to conceive, SHE received the news her SIL is pregnant while she’s dealing with the idea she might not be able to have children, SHE has people asking her invasive questions.
Back off & give her time to process all her completely understandable & legitimate feelings. I get the impression that if your daughter can’t provide a grandchild, that you find her useless, thus cutting her from your will. And for the record, YTA.
Which-Tour2102
YTA. So let me get this straight. You want to cut your daughter off during an incredibly vulnerable and emotional time for a woman. It is not about you. Maybe your wife has overstepped majorly and your daughter is tired of everyone bringing up her fertility struggles. Let her take the lead on this.
It’s pretty heartless that you are just wanting to cut her off instead of trying to support your daughter struggling. I have to wonder who the golden child is and who the scapegoat is.
Icy_Blueness1206
YTA. Maggie is going through an unbelievably hard thing right now and needing some time and space to process her SIL’s pregnancy is not unusual or asking too much. This was NOT the time to poke her about her IVF progress or revisit Lily’s pregnancy announcement.
Sure, Maggie had a big reaction but only her husband seems to understand that SHE NEEDS TIME. I don’t know if Adam and Lily were actually being condescending and pitying or not and in a way it doesn’t matter because I think Maggie feels you’re all being invasive and pitying rather than supportive. I know you’re trying to be, but none of you really understand.
Adam and Lily need some patience and empathy: they have you, your wife, other family and friends, and have no cause or right to mope over Maggie taking a little time to herself.
And as for you: what the hell good would cutting Maggie from your will do? It’s unwarranted to punish your daughter for being in pain and if she’s feeling resentful of her brother and SIL now, a lopsided inheritance would only make it worse.
YOU need to take some time to reflect, too. Listen to your wife, and reach out to your son in law to send Maggie an apology and let her know you all love her. Have a little heart and actually care about your kid instead of trying force “happy family.”