Dad 'doesn't react' when daughter comes out at dinner; wife calls him AH. UPDATED

Coming out can be an incredibly vulnerable situation. The reactions people have can range from scary to supportive, and you never truly know how they'll react until you're in the moment.

In a popular post on the AITA subreddit, a dad asked if he's wrong for not having a big reaction when his daughter came out of the closet. He wrote:

"AITA for not having much of a reaction to my daughter coming out and introducing us to her partner?"

My daughter is 23 and she requested dinner with us because she had some important to tell us--being my wife and I. She introduced us and came out. My wife was emotional gave her a big hug, and told her how proud she was. I on the other hand did not react to her coming out. I honestly did not care about that part. I was honest her partner was cool, and she was very interesting.

My wife told me I was rude for ignoring our daughter's announcement. I told my wife, that I did not care who she was attracted to all I cared about was if she was happy. I tried to explain I did not care about that stuff, people like who they like I don't need labels for that.

Love is love. She said my view is slightly homophobic because it shows I am not acknowledging a different view. I do not see it that way, am I the AH should I apologize to my daughter and her partner?

Edit: For added context, I did not treat her situation as any different from her brothers. I took the time to get to know the person they were with. My wife feels I should have treated it differently because they are different situations, ignoring that fact does not help.

People had a lot of different thoughts about the situation.

Due_Laugh_3852 wrote:

NTA. I will never understand what is "homophobic" about people treating gay children exactly the same as they treat straight children. Isn't that the ideal that we are striving for?

ScooptiWoop5 wrote:

NTA. Your reaction is the right one, because homosexuality shouldn’t be a big deal, it’s one way of life and it’s just as fine as being straight or whatever. Just talk to your daughter and make sure she doesn’t wrongfully get the impression that you don’t care. Explain to her that it’s just that’s it quite undramatic to you and that you accept her 100% and thought her partner seemed cool. She’ll be happy.

missnobody20 asked the one crucial question:

INFO: How does your daughter feel?

And OP answered:

Have not gotten the chance to ask, my wife's thoughts got me thinking.

sushitrain_ wrote:

NTA. You responded normally. This is what we’re trying to move towards. When I came out to my mom, she didn’t have much of a reaction. Just spoke to me about how I was feeling like it was the easiest thing to talk about. I was a teenager and it made me feel good; I had been incredibly nervous about her reaction, and was very happy with how mild it was.

If your daughter herself asked for a little more validation from you, I’d say of course give it to her. But I don’t think big displays of emotion should be expected. Sexuality is natural, it isn’t a choice. It shouldn’t be more or less celebrated than someone saying they’re straight.

I-hear-the-coast wrote:

NAH. I do think it might come across weird if one parent gives the child a hug and the other just sits there saying nothing really to acknowledge what was said. People don’t have to do a big to-do, but I do think maybe matching the energy and giving her a hug too would have been better?

Depends on if you regularly give hugs though, I suppose. I’m doing NAH because we don’t know the daughter’s opinion. I had a bad coming out to my father, but I do like to imagine best case scenario would have been him saying “I’m glad you felt comfortable enough telling me that” and maybe a hug to acknowledge how difficult it was and show that he still loves me? That would have been nice.

MulberryLivid6938 wrote:

As a lesbian, NAH- your wife wasn’t wrong for showing effusive support and you weren’t wrong for being supportive in your own way. However, I don’t see anything wrong at all with showing that enthusiasm, especially if your daughter took until the age of 23 to come out. Before I came out at 20 I felt like I was running so far behind my peers, living a lie, etc. etc. it’s hard.

If your kid is middle or early high school age when they come out, I agree, “normalizing” is probably the way to go. But at 23 that is an appropriate age to show a little extra support. The fact is that if you are 21+ right now, you did not grow up in a world that was very supportive or accepting of gay people. That merits a little extra enthusiasm, love and joy. Internalized shame is a lifelong battle.

After receiving a lot of different comments and questions, OP jumped on with an update:

Update: Thanks for the input, everyone is right I should have just asked my daughter. I will see if she is free tomorrow for some coffee and have a chat with her. I am sure my wife's words just got to me, but only one way to find out right?

Hopefully, OP is able to have a good conversation with his daughter that makes it crystal clear that he supports her.