Dad happily pays for son's 'dream school' but won't pay for daughter's.

A father posted his story to Reddit asking for advice, and the responses were varied passionate. You decide who the A-hole is...

AITA (Am I the A-hole) for telling my daughter she can’t go to her dream school but paying for my son to go to his?

u/NewOffice2404 writes:

I’m 49m and I have 2 children, Jake (23) and Nikki (17). Their mother and I are divorced. I have full custody and she sends no support. Both of my kids are good kids and good students with good grades. Jake got into his dream school but didn’t get any scholarships. His undergrad school is one of the best school in our part of the country and it’s expensive.

I didn’t want him to take out loans and have to carry a debt so I’m paying for his tuition and living expenses. The total cost is roughly $50,000 a year. He’s following in our family tradition and pursuing a career in dentistry (I’m not a dentist but we have about a dozen dentists and oral surgeons in our family). I will also be paying for his dentistry degree.

While I know it will be costly, I view this as a good investment as he’ll have a starting salary of about $120,000 as a dentist in our area. If he decides to become an oral surgeon, his starting salary will almost double that figure.

Nikki is a senior in HS. Like her brother, she’s a good student and will have a good chance of getting into her dream school but she has a low chance of getting any scholarships. Her dream school is also a very good one located in the middle of a very expensive city. Tuition and living expenses will be roughly $75,000 a year.

The problem is that she’s dreamt of being a teacher since she was little and have made it clear she will be an education major because she wants to be a middle school teacher. The other problem is that the salary for middle school teachers in our area is $48,000-$60,000 in our area.

I fully realize that she can move and work elsewhere but I can’t imagine there are many middle school teacher in the US making 6 figures. I don’t view paying $300,000+ for a career that tops out at $60,000 as a wise investment.

I told my daughter that the state school that’s 2 hours away have a good education program and her instate tuition and living expenses will only be about $20,000 a year. I view paying $80,000 for a teaching degree as a much better investment.

I’ve tried discussing the matter with Nikki but she gets distraught every time I’ve brought it up. She cries and accuses me of favoring Jake and being a sexist which is not true. I told her if she picks a major with a $100,000 starting salary, I’ll gladly pay for her to go to her dream school but there’s no way I’m paying $300,000 for her to be a teacher.

Now she’s got family members involved. Some are staying out of it, some agree with me, and some are telling me not to play favorites. I feel terrible so I’m beginning to doubt myself. Am I wrong?

Later, he added:

Edit to answer a recurring question:

I thought I made it clear but apparently I didn’t. I’m not limiting Nikki’s education to $20,000 a year. I told her that’s the max I’m willing to pay for her education degree. I’m more than happy to pay $75,000 a year if she picks another degree that will have a better return.

For a while she thought about being a doctor and fell in love with England (we have family there) so I even offered to pay for her to go to Oxford which will be double the cost of her brother’s tuition. But she’s adamant about being a middle school teacher and I’m unwilling to spend $300,000 that I worked hard for on an education degree.

What do you think? Is OP wrong to give more money to fund the careers he prefers, or is it his money to do with as he pleases?

Reddit was passionately torn between YTA (you're the a-hole) and NTA (not the a-hole). Guess where the teachers stood on this...

GrammaIsAWhore says:

YTA. This whole post reeks of favoritism. I hope the dentist switches to an art major halfway through.

EmeraldBlueZen agrees:

Come on dad. You're explanation doesnt make much sense. I mean why pay off son's education when he has a good shot of earning a great salary and he can pay off his debt himself? THAT's why many people go to high paying careers in the US, so they'll be able to pay off student loans. Your daughter will have a much more difficult time with this! Be fair - either pay for both kids to go to their dream college or neither of them. YTA.

Etoiaster comments:

OP would rather his daughter made money than for her to do something that makes her happy. Miserable but making money is fine. Teaching the next generations is a no no. YTA.

Hedgehog_Insomniac shares:

This happened to me. My sister got a boutique college experience. My parents didn’t give me sh*t. I am in my 40s now and have never forgiven them. I mean I’ve let it go but my contact with them has been extremely low ever since I moved out. You never quite forget your parents chose a sibling over you.

trisharae_88 points out:

OP is willing to let one child struggle with debt in order to go to their dream school while the other one does not just because they don’t agree with their career. Speaking about your child’s education like an investment gives off “I am planning for them to take care of me in my future.” You should want to set both children up for success. Regardless of their chooses career path.

But epichuntarz disagrees:

Ehhh. Teacher reporting in (during a break). There's no universe where a person should pay 300k for a secondary education teaching degree. Any number of totally great universities in the US will prepare daughter equally to be a mid school teacher for FAR less than the cost of a dental degree.

sraydenk says:

I’m a teacher. Please read all the replies from teachers. This is full on bullshit. This isn’t favoritism, it’s realism. There is no reason to spend almost $300k for a teaching degree. None. It won’t help her find a job. She won’t get paid more. This is entirely because she like the college more, and she hasn’t even taken classes there.

As a teacher (and someone who has sat in hiring panels) we don’t give a shit where you graduated from. All we care about is that you are licensed to teach the grade levels you are applying for. States create requirements for education programs, and the fancy prestigious schools have to follow the same requirements as state schools.

She won’t get a better education at the fancy school. So the extra money is entirely for experience. Sorry, but $300k for experience and fun is a waste of money. I went to a prestigious private school and I’m a teacher. It was a waste of money. I make the same as my peers who went to state schools. I wasn’t hired because of where I went. It was a waste of money, and I could have spent it better elsewhere.

OrangeAnomaly writes:

I'm not a teacher, but I can do some basic math and understand the concept of return on investment. The investment of $50k a year to earn $120k or more a year is good. The investment of $75k a year to earn $35k a year is bad. This is not favoritism, this is reality. Dreams are nice, and it would be amazing if the dream school made sense with the chosen career path, but it just doesn't.

From Dependent-Aside-9750:

NTA. Former teacher here. Nikki needs to face reality sooner rather than later.