Dad skips daughter's wedding to grieve death; says, 'I don't know if I was wrong.'
'AITA for not going to my daughter's wedding?'
The wedding was on march 25, which coincides with my other daughter's birthday. She was born March 25, 2022. She was barely 3 months when she passed away. My wife (not my eldest daughter's mother) has been wanting to celebrate our daughter’s life on the date of her birth.
I also didn’t feel it appropriate to leave my wife on this day since she is still grieving (as am I) and we haven’t fully come to terms with things.
When my eldest daughter was planning her wedding, I told her I’m doubtful I’d be there if she chose this date. I understand March 25 is significant to her relationship and that’s why she chose it, but it just wasn’t feasible for me. I was not even in a good place mentally on that day. It was a day of tears.
Obviously there is a lot of guilt about missing my eldest daughter's special day, but I honestly don’t know if what I did was wrong. Her side of the family has been sending me a lot of scathing messages, particularly her mother. AITA?
Comments and responses from OP:
honestly-yeah asks:
INFO: was the wedding date planned before your daughter passed?
jayjay-84 OP responded:
It was planned after.
Vixen0595 writes:
After reading your comments, it's obvious that you have absolutely no idea what goes into wedding planning, which means you don't even realize that your daughter had the date and venue planned and set well in advance.
While I understand that you and your wife are grieving the loss of a child and are grieving what should've been their first birthday if they didn't pass away at 3 months old, your comments and post are making it seem like your daughter picked this date on purpose just to be spiteful/hateful for absolutely no reason.
I mean, I honestly wouldn't be surprised if the wedding date was set before your child with your wife was born. You also have to remember that a lot of the weddings going on right now, so the chances of daughter being able to change anything are extremely thin and she would've needed to be extremely lucky in order to change the smallest of things let alone the date itself.
So I'm going with YTA since it's obvious that you're trying to paint your daughter in an unflattering light for something that's possibly out of her control and for the fact that there's info missing from your post that, most likely, should be in there.
jayjay-84 responded:
Her partner proposed around the birth of my daughter or shortly thereafter (everything was a bit of a whirlwind around that time). Wedding date was set shortly after her death. I had an in depth conversation about it with my eldest daughter since she had two other dates in mind. I asked her not to pick the 25
Electric_Minx writes:
I'm gonna go against the grain. I know it's hard, but came here to say this. I want to side with you so bad, but I also want to advocate celebrating the living daughter he has. Celebrate the new life that his ALIVE daughter is creating in light of your daughter not being here.
A small tribute during the wedding, I'm sure, could have been incorporated. Hell, I left an empty seat for my mom and she died 9 years ago. I know it's hard, OP, but my dude, you've still got a life to live, and so do your living kids. Ya'll should have been there.
jayjay-84 OP responded:
My daughter couldn’t even send me a condolence text. She’s never really acknowledged that she had a sister. She was incredibly angry when I told her my wife was pregnant. No congrats when she was born. Nothing. Radio silence. Just like when she died. There would have been no tribute. Also, my wife wasn’t invited. My daughter has never met or talked to my wife. She refuses.
Electric_Minx updated their answer:
What the f**k is wrong with your daughter? That was her half sister who passed and nothing? Not even anything? I don't blame you OP....Now I have an official judgement, NTA.
Powerful-Spot8764 writes:
stop having contact with your daughter, she is toxic and despises you, focus on your wife, on people who do love you, it is difficult but this situation will not change and maybe, just maybe the distance and the lack of contact will make your daughter see the truth
jayjay-84 OP responded:
A part of me knows this. A part of me also realizes she and her mom picked the date just to hurt me. But then I wonder if I’m being paranoid. My wife doesn’t think so.
Walking away from her feels like abandonment. Despite what everyone says around here, I fought like mad to be a part of her life, to prove my love to her. I failed her constantly, and walking away feels like another failure as a father.
More info from OP:
I helped pay for the wedding. My wife is two years older than me.
My wife was not invited. My daughter along with her family had a lot of animosity toward my baby daughter. I few have subtly gloated about her death. So whatever kind of beautiful family celebration you’ve envisioned, it wouldn’t have been that.
My daughters family has never been kind or respectful towards me. They’ve said awful things about my wife. Any other date I’d have powered through it. It wasn’t, and mentally I knew I wouldn’t have been able to handle it.
Also, it would have meant traveling hundreds of miles away from my wife and leaving her without me on the worst day imaginable. I simply wasn't capable of it. Lastly, the plan wasn’t for me to walk her down the aisle. Her maternal grandfather did.