'AITA for disrespecting my father-in-law in his own home?' Q&A with OP
"AITA for disrespecting my father-in -aw in his own home?"
My wife and I are currently living with her father temporarily. He is a very fastidious person, which I respect. He likes to devote every Saturday to cleaning.
I picked up my oldest child from my ex friday night. He is nine. My father-in-law wanted him to participate in cleaning the whole house today. I said he didn't need to because he hadn't participated in creating any mess. My father-in-law insisted everyone in the house needs to participate, but I said no, that he needed to unpack and settle in.
My father-in-law was very insistent. He said that under his roof he would insist upon his way of doing things. My wife said we need to respect her father and abide by his rules when we are in his house. I said no. I said he can kick me out if he wants, but I make the decisions for my son, and the answer is no.
My father-in-law has been furious all day and demanded an apology. I apologized, but I still didn't make my son participate in the cleaning. My wife is upset with me for upsetting her father. I just feel that I make the decisions for my children, regardless of whose home I am in. Does that belief make me an a$$hole?
Q&A with OP:
AdRepresentative5080 writes:
Info: What is the custody arrangement?
HesMyKid OP responded:
Every other weekend, spring break, and six weeks in summer.
OnthelookoutNTac writes:
INFO - are you saying your son should never participate in cleaning the house?
HesMyKid OP resonded
I'm saying I don't want him to spend his first full custody day with me cleaning other people's messes instead of putting away his stuff.
buckeye-person writes:
Please tell me you can move out. I do not agree that your FIL should include a child who is only there every other weekend for the cleanings but it is his house. No judgment because given the same circumstances I would move out if possible, even if it was a room.
HesMyKid OP responded:
We're only here for three more weeks, but if he asks me to leave, I'll leave. I'm not one to linger where I'm not wanted.
Hockstone_climb-on writes:
This is power move I firmly dislike. If you want to leave leave, but don’t burn down the relationship and wait to be “asked to leave” so that you can play martyr. YTA.
HesMyKid OP responded:
I'm not going to storm off after a single disagreement. I know he wants to spend time with his grandkids. I'd like to resolve the situation amicably if possible.
Firefighter_4598 writes:
Doesn't your wife get to participate in the decisions for the children?
HesMyKid OP responded:
For our children, yes. For my child, no.
Some people thought OP was the AH:
bad2behere says:
Your FIL is providing a nice home so your 9 year old son is in a safe and clean environment. A 9 year old is capable of understanding reciprocity. Why do you think he should only have to clean when he makes a mess?
Isn't it more appropriate to explain that helping to clean is a gesture of appreciation for the kindness FIL has shown letting you and your son live/stay there?
YTA and not just for disrespecting your FIL in his own house. You have also let your son down for not giving him the opportunity to learn that it's best to pay kindness with kindness.
Sea_Firefighter_4598 writes:
YTA. If someone is doing you a large favor (providing you a place to live) its a good idea to do them a small one (everyone pitch in to help clean).
Bill-Shatners-Pen*s writes:
YTA. It's not about who made the mess, it's about contributing to the upkeep of the house. Your son should contribute. In what other ways does your selfishness impact your life?
Some people thought OP was NTA:
Secret_Island_1979 writes:
NTA. He literally just walked in the house, give the kid a break. It always bothers me that people who insist on cleaning all the time act like it has to be done immediately right when they want to do it. Like relax. Nothing needs cleaned that badly. Especially if you're doing it every week.
Zealousideal_Bag2493 writes:
Cleaning all day seems inappropriate for a nine year old’s first day in a new space. Or at all. It feels like there should have been a middle path here.
INFO: is your FIL incapable of moderation and compromise? Was the expectation really that a 9 year old would spend an entire day cleaning?
HesMyKid OP responded:
No, he isn't. He wants everything done the way he wants it done all of the time. I guess he's used to people accepting that. I don't let anyone make decisions for my kids except me or their mothers though.
Zealousideal-Set-592 writes:
This seems completely fair to me. I'm all for kids tidying up their messes, already training my toddler to do so, but it seems really unfair to expect him to clean a mess he had no part in making and wasn't even in the house for. I don't understand all the y t a votes.