'AITA for committing to a faraway university even though my sick mother needs me to help care for her and rest of the family?' UPDATED
"AITA for committing to a faraway university even though my sick mother needs me to help care for her and rest of the family?"
I (18f) took a gap year after high school and applied to college this year. Basically my mom (who is very sick, almost bedridden half the time, but she still does her best for us) has been begging me to go to the local university about 5-10 minutes and commute.
I don't have a problem with that necessarily, but it doesn't have my intended major. I actually got accepted into a school that does have my major, and a well-renowned program at that. basically it was my dream school throughout high school before my Mom's sickness got that bad, but it's on the other side of the country so I wouldn't be able to spend time home except for breaks.
My mom's illness means that I spend a lot of time caring for her and helping her with tasks around the house (this is definitely the reason why she makes me stay, but she says its for financial reasons and because she's afraid for my safety).
I have two younger brothers, one is 16 the other is 9, who I drive to school because my mom physically can't, my brother doesn't have his license or permit, and my dad refuses to.
I'm also the primary caretaker for my youngest brother and my mother, the oldest one is often not home for school activities. I do a lot of the chores at home like cooking, cleaning, laundry, buying groceries since everyone is either too busy or unable to do housework.
I don't mind, really, but I'd love to go back to school and get a degree soon; and I know that my high school granted me a lot of scholarships since I had a fairly high GPA. I just know that leaving would be a burden for my family, but to be honest I really want to pack my bags and tell them to suck it up.
I only applied to three schools, the OOS one I want to commit to, the local one (I got accepted!), and a third one that ended up rejecting me. I think my mom knows I'm thinking of leaving, she keeps saying stuff like "what am I gonna do when you move out one day?" WIBTA if I left? my brothers definitely don't want me to leave, I'm not sure if my dad cares, a lot of my close friends are saying I'm being selfish.
edit: Just to clarify, I don't think this has anything to do with me being female!! My parents have always supported my education and want me to be successful and have fulfilling jobs. My mother is just very against me leaving our hometown...
She's asked me repeatedly to live with her until marriage or when she dies (which she asked my brother as well). She wants me to go to college, but she needs me to stick around and help her at home too.
As for my dad, he is rarely home. There are days when I don't even see him even tho we live in the same place, he leaves so early and comes back so late. I really don't have a good grasp of what he thinks.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
NTA. If you stay you will hate your family. Also double check on the expenses for college tuition, incidentals and board and lodging. Make sure you know the cost. If your dad is going to support yiu financially I suggest you also get a part time job and apply to as many scholarships. If your mom get worse, they might need to hire a caregiver for her. Good luck.
DrawingThink9439 OP:
Thank you! I think I brought it up a couple times to my dad, but nothing really came of it. I'll try to bug him more until I get a more definitive answer.
I'd go to the university that you want to go to. At first it seemed you were the only one capable of taking care of your mother, but damn! There's a husband! Time for him to step the hell up! NTA.
Yes, your father needs to pitch in a LOT more. And never mind your elder brother is old enough to drive but doesn't. He's 16, not 6. They've gotten used to you doing everything and they obviously don't want to disrupt the status quo. They need to put on their big boy shorts and stop depending on you to be the only one in the family that contributes to running the household.
NTA. You need to focus on your education. Then you're going to start your life - possibly with a partner who isn't going to want to live with your Mom. You might want your own kids - not completing raising your siblings.
They know you're probably leaving at some point. Your parents should have been figuring out what happens then a long time ago - because you're not the answer. Try to hook them up with social services.
Two months later, the OP returned with an update.
Okay okay, a lot of ppl asked in my original post so update time!! I'm no longer living with my family. Right now, I'm staying with a friend whose family has been super kind! They keep saying I don't have to pay them back.
But I did get a job so I could at least contribute to their groceries and pay for my own bills too. I committed to the school across the country too!! But, basically, the run-down if you guys are wondering why I left. (aside from like the obvious parentification).
A few weeks after the original post, I talked to my brother (16m but he turned 17 recently!!). He's learning how to drive a car, and he started riding his bike to school instead of me having to drive him.
He's trying to step up now at home (he does marching band, but it's not marching season anymore so he's home more often!) So he started helping me out there. He helped watch our youngest brother while I was still living at home so I could focus more on preparing for college, applying for jobs to save up, and my other chores like groceries/helping mom.
Anyway, I'm getting off track. Like a month after that, I ended up committing to the school. I talked to my parents and lets just say it did not go well.
At all.
We had a pretty messy argument. I won't go too into detail but my mom started talking about how no one would help her out anymore if I left because her extended family doesn't really like her and her parents died years ago.
I argued back and said that I needed to get a degree or else I would be stuck doing the chores forever. Annnnd basically my mom and dad kinda admitted that the plan was to just keep me at home doing the chores forever.
So that was awkward. I stayed there for a month later and we either said nothing or argued really terribly and it did take a toll on my health. At some point, I was bedridden and sick and my mom just screamed at me for not helping her.
I think the last straw was at some point she tried to launch a curling iron at me, so that night I just up and packed my stuff. Every day, my parents have been texting me calling me disgraceful and stuff, I know they've gone on social media painting themselves as victims because their daughter is "ungrateful" and won't contribute to the family even when she knows that the mom is sick and the dad is busy with work.
They've bombarded my emails and my phone so I had to get new accounts/numbers so my job could contact me more easily, without me having to filter the spam. I do feel horrible about not finding a caretaker for my mom before leaving, but tbh I'm just fed up.
I love my parents and my brothers, I really do!! I still keep in contact with my brother. He says that mom and dad have been fighting each other mostly but he usually avoids staying home too much from now on (he has his friends drive him and the youngest to like libraries and parks) since apparently they get pretty intense.
Like my mom will be laying on the sofa and if she's in a bad mood she tries to throw whatever's closest to her at whoever's closest to her. I'm glad I left, but I really do regret not being able to protect my brothers more.
But I'm also super excited to go to college!! I've been counting down the days until I move in, I've met some people online (who are super nice, though most of them are younger than me since I took a gap), I'm just waiting to move in now!! Hopefully when I get to uni I can get a stable-ish job and be able to help financially support my brothers from there. Fingers crossed!
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
It’s not up to you to take care of your parents! You are NTA! You are choosing the right path for yourself by getting a degree and moving away. The fact that they expected you to stay is absurd and a horrible expectation.
It’s not your fault your other family isn’t helping and it’s certainly not up to you to fill that role. They are being incredibly manipulative and gilt tripping you. I hope you stay far away from them for a while and take care of yourself! <3
“My daughter is making a decision I don’t like. I will make sure she knows it’s the right one, she’ll see!!”
OP shouldn't feel bad for not finding a caretaker for her mom before she left. She's been horrifically parentified, used and abused, getting help is on them and not on the literal child. I do hope someone can help her younger brothers currently and that they both escape this situation eventually.
For a second i thought it was only OP, her mom and her brothers. That the issue was that the mother was bedridden or something. But that woman has enough energy to abuse her daughter and a whole husband! While the mother is probably ill and requires real help, the new post paints a picture of abuse more than need.
My parents had this plan for me. My mom was sick while I was middle school and high school and it was expected that I basically stay home with my mom while my dad was at work and then I could take classes at night at the community college.
The only reason that plan didn’t come to fruition is because she died a month before I was to start college. Part of me will always be sad that I lost my mom at 18, but a large part of me was relieved that I got to live my own life.
I can’t wait to see a 4 or 5 year update where OP has their dream degree and the job they want and isn’t in contact with her parents anymore and maybe the siblings are also independent.