'AITA for favoring one niece over her twin and admitting to it when confronted?' UPDATED

"AITA for favoring one niece over her twin and admitting to it when confronted?"

A bit of backstory: I , 39f, am a twin. Growing up, my sister who I'll call Tanha grew uncomfortable with being a twin. In a way I do get it, but that doesn't mean it didn't hurt.

Tanha married Jason, 42m, 20 years ago. With the way that she viewed being a twin, it caused me some worry when she fell pregnant with twin girls. The twins, Jasmine and Chloe, are now 16. Neither likes the other in the slightest.

I don't know if it's a natural dislike or something Tanha encouraged. Chloe, the older twin, is heavily favored by my sister and Jason. It bothered me a lot, when Jasmine is so kind, intelligent and has decided to be a pediatric surgeon.

Her interest in medicine started when she was very young after I was babysitting her and Chloe and she saw all the books and anatomical displays in my office (I’m a Cardiologist).

Just over a year ago, Tanha asked if I would be interested in adopting Jasmine as she couldn’t keep up with trying to raise two kids. I said I would only agree if that was what Jasmine wanted, I didn’t want to make such a change without her input. She was 14, not two.

Jasmine was overjoyed and eagerly agreed to the adoption; I did make sure to have her in therapy. Here is where I may be the AH. Four months ago, a position opened up in Sweden.

I talked it over with Jasmine and she was super excited and it would also put her in far better schools. So, after getting my work visa and filling out the paperwork we prepared for the move.

Jasmine was chattering to all of her teachers and classmates about the move, and it did draw quite a lot of attention to her. I later had an angry Tanha, Jason and Chloe on my doorstep.

They demanded to know why I was moving their daughter away from her family across the world, and throwing so much money on her education, clothing and electronics when I didn’t do the same for Chloe. I got mad, and this is where I may have overstepped.

I snapped that they’d lost their right to claim Jasmine when they neglected her and threw her to the side just because Tanha couldn’t handle the fact that she and Chloe were twin siblings like us. That Jasmine deserved her chance to make her life the way she wanted it and that Tanha and Jason spoiled Chloe more than I ever did.

So yes, I was favoring Jasmine because she needed someone on her side. Tanha broke down in tears, Chloe doing the same while sobbing and crying out that I hated her before they left as Jason called me a b!+

Jasmine thankfully wasn’t home for that conversation, though I did tell her as I don’t believe in keeping secrets like that when she had a right to know. She cried but thanked me for not giving up on her or forgetting her.

I’ve gotten several calls from our extended family berating me for moving and tearing Jasmine from her family calling me selfish and cold. I can’t help but worry I went too far. Am I an AH?

Here were the top rated comments from readers:

TheEuphoricTribble

Correct me if I'm wrong...didn't your sister come to you asking if you wanted to adopt her? To me, that ripped apart their family, not you moving. Jasmine, by all intents and purposes, is YOUR daughter. They have no claim to her anymore when they gave her up to you. Chloe isn't your daughter, but your niece.

You're not obligated to provide for her like Jasmine. This sounds like a classic case of regretting this now that you have a dream job where they can't see her anymore as easy while you parent her, and anger because now they can't enjoy time with their daughter while you handle the parenting.

NTA. You're doing what a PARENT should. Look after their child. They can't come and take that back now that they can't enjoy time with her as easy anymore.

Disastrous_Cress_701

I would say it's because Chloe heard of all the fun her sister is having. The sister who is supposed to be miserable being removed from the family..the sister who is seen as lesser and not as good as Chloe is now getting to go live overseas and have all this goodness that she doesn't deserve as the unwanted twin.

SuperWomanUSA

This. Nothing else needs to be added…when the parents gave away their TEENAGED daughter they were setting the precedent…How can you not be able to raise two kids when you’ve done it for 14 years, continue to maintain a two parent household…yea…hard pass on those parents

ASBF2015

NTA. A thousand times. They literally asked you to adopt one of their two kids and think you’re the one unfairly favoring one over the other? The lack of self awareness is just mind blowing.

You are Jasmine’s mom. They lost the status of immediate family when they selfishly discarded her as if she meant nothing to them. It’s honestly heartbreaking and disgusting. Thank goodness Jasmine has you.

You’re amazing for giving her great opportunities that will help her get a step up in life because she clearly wasn’t getting that or ever going to get that from her bio parents. I hope Jasmine hasn’t been severely affected by their behavior and can understand that they are failures as parents. That it’s not her fault and she is worthy.

Comfortable-Sea-2454

NTA - "Just over a year ago, Tanha asked if I would be interested in adopting Jasmine as she couldn’t keep up with trying to raise two kids."

Tanha and Jason destroyed their family when they threw away Jasmine. Thank you for being a good aunt, and now great mom for having Jasmine's back and future!!!

The next day OP came back with, "Explanations and Clarifications."

I’ve been flooded with requests for more information and clarification on a few aspects of the events in my prior post. Firstly, Tahna and I were never super close as any time an individual made mention of us being twins, she’d snap back that we were just sisters. Our parents tried their best to enable her to overcome the gap between us but Tahna wanted no part of it, or me.

I learned early on to not introduce myself as a twin. Our parents were not well off, nor did either work in high income fields. While they encouraged my dreams of pursuing medicine, they also joked to keep a back up plan. Their skepticism hurt but that’s done with now. Mother died five years ago due to a stroke while our father is in a retirement home due to severe dementia.

He didn’t even recognize who I was the last time I visited, nor did he remember even having children. I couldn’t bring myself to go back.

Jasmine and Chloe, while identical in appearance are undoubtedly different when it comes to personality and interests. Chloe likes being upfront in the crowds, hanging out with friends and is a main focal point of their schools attentions.

She is dismissive of Jasmine, and at one point while out to a dinner with them and their parents, someone asked about what it was like to be a twin. Chloe just groaned and rolled her eyes in disgust while stating that being a twin was nothing special or to celebrate.

Jasmine has always clung to me, I will admit that even before being asked to adopt her I would always go out of my way whenever she had need of me. She’d call me almost every day, sometimes to vent, or ask questions about medicine or homework and I cherished those calls.

It makes me chuckle when seeing the comments about Chloe needing a transplant etc. like this is a drama show. First; Medical law prevents doctors from operating on family. Second, Chloe is thankfully in perfect health, and our family has no history of heart complications or conditions. I would never wish harm or ill health on anyone, regardless of their disgraceful conduct and choices.

I have made sure Jasmine is in therapy, as while I don’t know everything that happened in that home I don’t want her to bury her emotions. She is still in regular contact with her friends back in the states but has also made a few tentative friends here in Sweden. The drastic shift in location, language and even food has kept her from getting lost in her head.

She still has moments where she is overwhelmed or depressed because of the way she was treated but we’re working through those together. While work is keeping me busy, the work life balance here is far better than the states. I don’t know yet if or when we will return to the states.

Jason and Tahna both have been ranting about our move and the way I’m hiding their daughter from them and her twin. They’ve threatened to take legal action against me, but the adoption is ironclad. Let me know if you have other questions for us.