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19 year old asks for advice after finding out his older 'sister' is really his mom. Updated!

19 year old asks for advice after finding out his older 'sister' is really his mom. Updated!


'I [19M] recently found out that my older sister[34F] is actually my biological mother.'

My older sister (let's call her Rose) and I have a great relationship since I was a baby. We were raised with an amazing adoptive family and she has always taken care of me. I grew up in a very warm and loving environment but from what i was told I was lucky.

I was told the story of how me and my sister had two drug addict parents who never took care of us. They never bothered feeding us and used to left us at a junky friends house for days to go out partying. When my mom was pregnant with me she smoked and got drunk (luckily i turned out pretty fine) pretty often and when I was born my sister was the only one who took care of me.

When I was 2 months old they left us both in a mall and left. We got help from an old couple( who also turned into our adoptive family) and we contacted the police but my parents weren't at the house, which looked like a homeless cave. We never saw them again and after several months in foster care the couple that helped us (throughout the whole way btw) agreed to adopt us.

Today I'm 19 and Rose is 34, I still live with my adoptive family and she lives about 20 minutes away so I come and visit her at least 3-4 times a week.

So a couple of months ago my friend offered me to take a DNA test to find some information about my heritage, since my sister wouldn't speak of them much. After the results came in I found out some pretty interesting things (like being 50% Ashkenazi Jew) I found out later that I had an aunt[33f] in the system.

I immediately reached out to her (Let's call her Jennet) and we agreed to meet in person. All that without telling Rose a thing.

When we met up I could see we have some similar characteristics like same hair color and same eyes. We tried to figure things out so I asked her if she has a brother or sister and she told me that when she was 13 her 14 year old sister got pregnant while being drunk with her junky boyfriend and a month after giving birth she ran away with the baby after some pretty intensive fights with their parents.

They never found her and stopped looking after 1.5 years. I connected the dots, asked to see a picture of her, so we went to her parents house. Mom wasn't home and father died 3 years ago. When I saw the picture, I knew. This was Rose, 100%.

Rose is my mom, we were never abandoned, we didn't have junky parents and she fabricated the entire thing to me and our adoptive family. I immediately gave Jennet a hug and told her that it's too much for me right now and asked her to keep it a secret for now.

I went to my best friends house, told him everything and for a week now I'm sleeping over at his place. I told my parents and my sister im at his house because he bought a new game that we both wanted for long and avoided talking to Rose much.

I can't look her in the eyes right now, let alone tell her I know the truth. What the hell am I supposed to do? How should I handle this? Should I tell her I know?

Update 1:

My best friend just took me out for a movie and a drink (im not that drunk right now though). I thank you all so much for your warm replies, made me look at the situation a bit clearer. I have decided to break it to Rose this week but I need some time to think about how to tell her I know.

I don't know if I should try getting there slowly or just break the news to her somehow. I even considered bringing her sister with me but I genuinely think she will be pissed. I'll keep updating as soon as I'll decide how to tell her. Right now going to bed to sleep it over.

Update 2:

After seeing some comments asking how the adoption process went, I decided I need to explain some things. First of all It's worth mentioning that the adoption process wasn't immediate and it took about a year between the time that happy couple found us outside the mall and the time they adopted us.

We were in foster care that time and Rose use to keep touch with them and they would come visit us once or twice a week (or so im told, i don't know what to believe now)/ eventually Rose broke down in tears for them and told them she hates foster care and that her little brother (me) would grow up here and she couldn't bare that thought.

At that time they decided to try and adopt her and hired lawyers and stuff and after a few months it was legal and done. At least that what I was told. I don't think my adoptive parents knew but if they did then that story is probably a lie too.

Update 3:

Ok so I first of all want to thank everyone for your honest replies, it really helped me to get my feelings straight and get ready to confront her.

So after a week of avoiding I came to her house with a picnic basket by surprise so ill have a chance to speak with her. She was happy to see me and I told her to sit down because we need to talk.

I started things with saying that I know that she has a secret that she's been hiding from me for years. Her face turned red and she started crying like hell. She knew what I was talking about. I told her the story about the DNA test, about Jennet and basically what I told you guys in the last post.

Well after she calmed down a bit she told me the truth. She told me how she got drunk at a party and slept with one of the jerks who does nothing but weed every day. He didn't really care about a future kid and was like 'yeah whatever'. Apparently she found out that 10 years ago he was stabbed in prison after sitting for drug dealing, assault and armed robbery.

She told me how her mother used to convince her father to talk me out of the idea of keeping the baby. they would constantly fight with her. When the baby was born they told her on the spot that she brought shame upon the family and they will not help raising the baby in any way, meaning she will have to work meanwhile to have money for her baby and sometimes for herself.

After a couple of months of loaning from her friends and juggling between working and taking care of me she had a huge fight with her parents and told them that if they are not helping financially and barely in any sort of way, she and me are better off without them.

As they sent her to her room she escaped in the middle of the night, hitchhiked to a neighboring country and by morning she was there already. She tried to take care of me for a few days, she found an old abandoned house that used to have homeless people coming around every now and then, and she took me to the mall when I started crying.

She started crying too. The couple that adopted us immediately came to our aid and asked if we lost our mother. Rose jumped on the opportunity and came up with a story and an alias. Police figured out we are not in the system for multiple reasons.

We were raised in foster care for a year and a half until the couple that helped us decided to make the effort and adopt us so we won't be separated. It took them a few months and a couple of lawyers but they managed to adopt us both.

Rose knew all along that her parents are looking for her(They came to their senses after a day or so). She reached out to them and told them in a letter that she is fine and is taking care of herself and me, she is not homeless and found a nice couple to help her with the baby. She made it clear for them that she is never coming back and they should stop looking, and a month after that they stopped.

A few years later her father went on a quest to find her(she was after 18) secretly. After so much time searching he found her and apologized and after a while she forgave him and kept secretly in touch with him.

He met me a few times and I knew him as one of Rose's old friends from the park. He helped us a few times and apparently they would meet up once every two months secretly. Ironically I'm glad I got to know him before he passed, even if I didn't know who he really is.

BTW, the adoptive family never found out about the whole thing.

So after hearing this I told her we missed a lot by not knowing she is my mother and I told her I understand she did the right thing. I pulled out an 'It's a boy!' sign from the picnic basket and some snacks for a late baby shower and we hugged for an hour or so, had a lot of fun, watched a movie and I headed off to my parents (ADOPTIVE) house to have dinner with them.

I'm glad she is my mother. I feel for the first time in years - complete. I don't care she lied because she did it for the greater good and I honestly can't imagine my life right now if she didn't. Thanks Reddit for helping me getting my feelings straight and helping me out mentally to coop with everything that happened!

Here's what people had to say:

TheOmerAngi writes:

I'm so glad to hear that everything turned out well! By the way, this could be a sick movie script ya know.

trowzerss writes:

The same sort of thing happened in my family. It makes me so angry that this was always covered up by the family. I'm so glad this sh*t isn't covered up as much as it was even a few generations ago.

mule_roany_mare writes:

I wouldn’t begrudge OP finding peace with a story he can’t change in anyway he can. This is the best case scenario happy ending, and it could be a lot worse for everyone involved to no moral or ethical benefit.

Sources: Reddit
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