'I can't care for my mom's foster kids anymore, even though I promised I would.' UPDATED
"I'm getting rid of the foster child my family has had for 7 years, and I don't care if it makes me a bad person."
Firstly please reserve judgment until the end. If you still think I'm a bad person after reading this, I won't stop you. I'm a 30 year old man. My mum was a foster carer for the last 11 years before she passed away and she made me promise that I would take over when she died.
She had heart failure, but had lived from 7 years after diagnosis. She had two foster children, J and P. J came to live with us when I was 19 years old and he was 8 and had severe behavioural issues linked to his trauma.
My world was turned upside down. But I very quickly grew to love him. Underneath the trauma and the difficulties he was an amazing boy who I loved with my entire heart. He's now 19 himself and still lives with me. He just finished high school and I have no plans to move him out, until he is ready. J and I have a great relationship.
On the other hand P is 16 years old. He came to live with us when he was 9. P has severe Special Needs, and no matter how much I've tried I just cannot connect with him in the same way I did for J.
Where as J's behaviours needs never bothered me, with P they do. I find him frustrating and I have to remind myself that he is only on the same level as a 3/4 year old mentally and it's not fair that I get frustrated at him.
When mum was still alive she took the main role of looking after P, and I supported her. Which was okay. But I knew that when she was gone I would struggle with him by myself. I didn't sign up to do this. I didn't sign up to look after him for the rest of my life, I just didn't.
Mum died 6 months ago, and I said to myself I would try. I kept P for all this time but I just can't cope with him. I can't. I told my social worker that he needs to be moved by the end of the month because I just can't manage.
I want to continue fostering, and I love being a foster carer. But I just cannot meet his needs and it was different when mum was still alive. I feel so guilty because I made my mum a promise that I would care for him until he was at least 18.
But I'm building resentment to him and it isn't fair on him. He deserves to have someone who loves and cares for him in the ways that I just can't. So yeah. Call me selfish, call me scum. Whatever. I deserve it.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's initial post:
pain-is-evanescent
Sometimes we have to admit we can’t do anymore and hope someone else can. Dont beat yourself up.
waterfordgirl30
Exactly, the child will be much better off with someone that can meet his needs, it would be unfair to both of them if he stayed. But well done for at least trying.
Sailor_Chibi
You’re not selfish or scum. It was really unfair of your mom to make you promise that. SHE signed up to be the carer of those two children. Not you. It is incredibly unfair to expect you to spend your life upholding something she signed up for. P needs more than you can give him and there’s nothing wrong with that.
Odd_Welcome7940
You aren't getting rid of him. You are trying to find him a situation where his needs can be met and that situation isn't with you. Everyone has rhe ability to do amazing things for others. However that doesn't mean we all have the ability to do everything everyone needs. That just isn't human. Do what you need to and anyone who judges you should get stuffed.
Nine days later, the OP returned with an update:
It has now been a few days since P moved out, so I thought I would give a little update. Firstly, I want to thank everyone who took the time to read my previous post and for those who offered support and understanding. It meant a lot, honestly.
P has been placed with a new family who specialise in caring for children with severe special needs. I believe this is the best environment for him, and he seems to be settling in well. I am keeping in touch with his new carers, and they've assured me that he's receiving the care and attention he needs.
At first, the house felt different, quieter but also emptier. There's a lingering sense of guilt, but I'm also more at peace knowing he's in a place better suited to his needs. J and I have had more time to spend together, which has been nice. We’ve talked a lot about everything that's happened, and I’m grateful for his understanding and support.
I’ve also started seeing a therapist to help work through the guilt I have been feeling and to help me grieve. Yesterday, my agency reached out saying they have two little boys needing housing for a short-term placement. They said initially six weeks, but it could be extended. They are coming tomorrow, and I am excited.
They're 9 and 11 and are coming directly from their birth families. This will be my first proper placement, so I would be lying if I said I didn't feel a little anxious. Thank you again to everyone who reached out.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
shrxwin
It sounds like everything is working out well for both you and J as well P and the kids you're able to help now with these 2 and in the future . Good job taking care of yourself in this difficult time with therapy too.
Allictb23
It was a difficult decision but it's one that will benefit everyone involved. I wish you and everyone all the best for the future.
blaukrautbleibt
So glad to hear you made the right decision! Sounds like you are very awesome and i hope your new placement will be a good fit!
mushier-saddle-0a OP:
Will do, thank you so much!!
Repulsive_Form_3984
That was a very difficult choice of you, and I applaud you for making the choice. Although you may feel some guilt, deep down, that was the best choice for both you, J, and P, and it benefitted everyone. Please update as soon as the new boys come in!