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'I have been giving gifts to my BF's family without anything in return. Do I continue?' UPDATED

'I have been giving gifts to my BF's family without anything in return. Do I continue?' UPDATED

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"I (26F) have been giving gifts to my boyfriend (29M)'s family at many celebrations, without anything in return. Do I continue?"

My (26F) boyfriend (29M) and I have been together for 2 years. His family is very big on hosting and throwing celebrations, whereas my family tends to only do large holidays together, which will be mostly centered around food, as opposed to gifts.

In the past year or so, I've been invited to his sister (28F)'s birthday, his sister's baby shower, his mom(60-somethingF)'s birthday, his sister's kid's birthday (2F), his sister's housewarming, his family's Christmas, and a couple other misc. celebrations. Every time, I bring a gift. It's to the point where I've been spending more money on gifts for his family, than my own parents and siblings.

However, I've never gotten a gift from his family. It's not really their fault / intentional, as we will tend to do our own celebration for my birthday, so there's not really been an opportunity for his family to give me gifts (other than Christmas). But the one sided gift giving is starting to get to me.

I've considered that maybe there isn't an expectation for me to bring a gift, but for most of these celebrations I'm invited to, it would be very odd not to bring one (e.g., baby shower, birthdays).

I've considered doing joint gifts with my boyfriend, but his mom also pointedly asked one time, "Is that the one from (my name)", without me mentioning that I had even brought a gift, which made it seem like it was a given that I should have brought one.

To be clear, I don't want / need any gifts from any one in his family. I work a decently-paying job (despite being in a HCOL city), and my boyfriend and I are both more financially comfortable for our age than his family.

However, the sheer number of celebrations I'm being invited to with an unspoken obligation for gifts is starting to build up, especially because it feels a little like the relationship is one sided, as I've never received anything in return.

With Christmas coming up, I wonder if I should continue bringing gifts, or use this as an opportunity to work with my boyfriend and change our operating model? Or do I just bring something that's "cheaper", like some baked goods / chocolates/?

TL;DR I have gifted my boyfriend's family (his sister, his mom, his sister's kid) gifts on ~10 occasions this year, but haven't received anything in return. With Christmas coming up, do I use this as an opportunity to discuss with my boyfriend about how this is unsustainable, or do I just tone down the spending on my side?

What do you think she should do? Any suggestions? This is what top commenters had to say:

said:

You and your boyfriend should be giving joint gifts, paid for by him, or you should stop gifting unless there's an clear expectation of reciprocity. You're not married to this guy and they're not your family.

said:

Most definitely start bringing some baked goods. Take on a baking hobby. But not too much time investment if you’re not interested. Or want to give them that much effort. Or even going to the store’s bakery section to get cookies and putting them on your own separate tray at home. If they ask why the sudden switch. You can tell them, “baking from the heart is the best gift of all.”

said:

I really think you should be giving a combined gift. From you and your boyfriend. A gift from each of you seems a little excessive. My husband never went out and bought a separate gift than what I would buy. It was just from us. Christmas I would bring a bottle of wine or something for the host and that is all and let their family exchange gifts.

said:

If you enjoy giving gifts, then continue to do so. I think it's fine to go with cheaper options, too. Just a token gesture, really, not a major gift. If they do not give you anything for Christmas, then you can safely assume this is all one-sided and then decide if you want to continue giving or not. Do what makes you feel happy, either way.

A month later, she shared this update:

Some commenters suggested that I was not being appreciative of being invited to family events, so I thought that maybe I was being too harsh. Well, with Christmas coming up, I (26F) was invited to Christmas with my boyfriend (29M)'s family, but given his sister (28F) just had her second child with some health complications,

we had a conversation and decided it made sense for me not to join them as I've been flying a lot for work and don't want to put the newborn at risk. That made the conversation about doing joint gifts super easy with my boyfriend, since I physically wouldn't be there.

Out of the blue yesterday though, I received a text from my boyfriend's sister "reminding" me of their house address to ship gifts to (even though I've driven there multiple times). Then, about an hour later, I receive a text from my boyfriend's mother telling me about how the sister's daughter (toddler) has been a little upset recently given the new baby,

and that it would be great to get the toddler an extra gift to make her feel "special" since the attention has been on the newborn, on top of whatever I was planning to get the newborn. She did top it off with a "you always give such nice gifts!" as a nice compliment.

For context, I grew up in a family that taught me not to buy gifts that you wouldn't want to receive. I bought very nice things for boyfriend's sister's kids for her daughter's birthday (toys + nice name brand clothing like Nike, Northface), and the latest baby shower for the newborn.

I brought this to the attention of my boyfriend, and he mentioned he'd let them know that he was bringing our gifts, but I have a feeling they'll misinterpret to think that we're still getting separate gifts.

We will see how it goes next week, but I've been super put off by the texts that I've gotten from his family - it seems pretty blatant that they want gifts from me and are expecting it, but I'm glad that my boyfriend is planning to take care of the communications...

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