'AITA for not giving my granddaughter the same wedding gift as our other grandchildren?'
"AITA for not giving my granddaughter the same wedding gift as our other grandchildren?"
First of all, this is my first post on ever, I wanted an objective opinion and I have read a lot of these kinds of posts on Facebook. If I do anything wrong please tell me.
I (70s F) am the grandmother to 5 wonderful grandkids (3 women and 2 men). The last of my grandkids got married last year. My husband (70s M) and I usually get them a small gift (usually the cheapest thing on the registry), then the day before the wedding, we privately gift them a check for $40k.
We prefer that they use it for a house, but we don’t force them to do so. We also ask them to keep it private (we have a big extended family, and we don’t want them to expect it from us). They all honored this request.
When it came to our youngest granddaughter, we bought her an air fryer (that was the cheapest thing on the registry) and sent it in advance. Then she called us annoyed, she went off on us for being cheap, and said how she knew we had money, but that we did not love her enough to show it by getting her something nicer.
We were horrified by her behavior, then she went ahead and threatened to disinvite us t. We discussed it, bought her a China set, but we did not give her the money that was set aside for her. We decided that she did not deserve it.
Fast foreword to last week, she met up with her brother, they got to talking and she found out about the cash gift that he got. She asked her cousins and found out all of them got the same gift. She called us furious for discriminating against her. We told her that it was our money, and after how she behaved, we did not want to give it to her.
She started crying, said that she was just extremely stressed, and that we shouldn’t have taken it to heart. We told her that we stand by our decision. Now she is refusing to attend Christmas, and her mother (our DIL) is calling us AHs. So AWTAs?
Info from OP:
We're not very close. They live clear on the other side of the country. We only meet for holidays and special family events, and call from time to time.
We paid for her college and her parents for her graduate school, her parents paid for half of her wedding. And she and her husband make good money.
We are not upset about our grandkids spilling the beans, as far as they knew, she also received the gift, thus she was exempt from the people who they shouldn’t tell
Here's how people judged OP:
NTA. It goes to her overall judgment that she had the nerve to call you and complain about the gift and you should also be upset with the people you asked to keep it private who didn’t. If you want to help her later you can let her know you’ll do a dp on a house if she can qualify for a loan.
rando-TA OP responded:
We are not upset about our grandkids spilling the beans, as far as they knew, she also received the gift, thus she was exempt from the people who they shouldn’t tell
I’m glad you added that. You might want to include it in your post. I’m curious about who she is as a person that thinks her behavior was okay. Are you very close?
rando-TA OP responded:
Not really, they live clear on the other side of the country. We only meet for holidays and special family events, and call from time to time.
NTA. Also can I just say…an air fryer was the CHEAPEST thing on the registry? Don’t those things start at around a hundred dollars? I mean…was she just assuming everyone would have to pony up just to come to the wedding? (This whole thing is just very strange to me. I didn’t even know what people got me until after my wedding.)
rando-TA OP responded:
It was the second cheapest I believe. Also we sent the gift very in advance, that’s why she knew what we got her before the wedding.
I'm doubtless going to get downvoted to hell, but I'm going in a completely different direction here and going to say YTA.
While your granddaughter's response to your gift was in very poor taste, and she could use some lessons in good manners, I suspect that it was a legitimately hurt reaction to genuine surprise that grandparents who are clearly very well off would deliberately choose to buy her not just something small. But that's not even the important part. THIS IS THE IMPORTANT BIT:
If this were just about being generous to your grandkids and being private, you wouldn't be doing that whole "buying the least expensive thing off their registry" in advance of giving them money thing at all.
There's no need for it. You'd just quietly go ahead and give them the cheque at an appropriate time. But you're not doing that. This is very clearly a test: buy them a cheap gift first and see how they react.
Manipulative tests like this are not how you treat people you love, whether they "pass" them or not. YTA.
rando-TA OP responded:
It is not a test. We live on the other side of the country, that’s why we get them the gift in advance.
Also the cheap gift is a wedding gift, the money is a separate gift that is intended for building their family life. The only reason they receive it just before the wedding is because we want them to spend it for something important (like a family home) over adding it to their wedding budget (our opinions on expensive weddings are very well known)
Sel-Reit writes:
NTA. She cared more about the cost of a gift than your presence at her wedding. That’s not stress, that’s spoiled. And her mother backing her up shows why she is spoiled. If she’d apologised BEFORE finding out about the money, then you might’ve believed that her remorse was been real…. But she didn’t.
She called you ‘furious’ once she found out - trying to force you to give her more AGAIN. Then tried tears to manipulate you. Now, with no wedding to blame her behaviour on, she’s refusing to come to events until you cough up the cash.
Guess you know what value she puts on her grandparents. She’s entitled, spoiled and rude.
jaypaw28 writes:
As someone who has always been the least favorite grandchild, I was expecting some blatant favoritism, but it's clear that she just did this to herself. She isn't furious at you, OP. She's furious at herself because she screwed herself out of 40k.
P.S. you didn't get her the cheapest thing on the registry. I have an air fryer and there's nothing better
Interesting_Order_82 writes:
NTA. I would never DREAM of criticizing a gift, never mind coming from a family member. I’m horrified at her behavior. And her doubling down and wanting to not attend Christmas? I’d stay with the decision.
If she had apologized profusely and then let it go I might have gifted the original money on their one year anniversary. But her continued tantrum, no. She does not deserve it acting like an entitled spoiled brat.
ClassicalEd writes:
It blows my mind that so many people here seem to think that wealthy relatives are obligated to give expensive gifts, and that it's to be expected that someone would feel cheated or devalued by 'only' getting a $100 gift off their registry. No one is entitled to someone else's money!