First of all, this is my first post on here ever, I wanted an objective opinion and I have read a lot of these kinds of posts on Facebook. If I do anything wrong please tell me.
I (70s F) am the grandmother to 5 wonderful grandkids (3 women and 2 men). The last of my grandkids got married last October. My husband (70s M) and I usually get them a small gift (usually the cheapest thing on the registry), then the day before the wedding, we privately gift them a check for $40k.
We prefer that they use it for a house, but we don’t force them to do so. We also ask them to keep it private (we have a big extended family, and we don’t want them to expect it from us). They all honored this request.
When it came to our youngest granddaughter, we bought her an air fryer (that was the cheapest thing on the registry) and sent it in advance. Then she called us furious, she went off on us for being cheap and how she knew we had money, but that we did not love her enough to show it by getting her something more expensive.
We were horrified by her behavior, then she went ahead and threatened to disinvite us if we didn’t get her a better gift. We discussed it, bought her a China set, but we did not give her the money that was set aside for her. We decided that she did not deserve it.
Fast foreword to last week, she met up with her brother, they got to talking and she found out about the cash gift that he got. She asked her cousins and found out all of them got the same gift. She called us furious for discriminating against her. We told her that it was our money, and after how she behaved, we did not want to give it to her.
She started crying, said that she was just extremely stressed, and that we shouldn’t have taken it to heart. We told her that we stand by our decision. Now she is refusing to attend Christmas, and her mother (our DIL) is calling us AHs. So AWTAs?
We're not very close. They live clear on the other side of the country. We only meet for holidays and special family events, and call from time to time.
We paid for her college and her parents for her graduate school, her parents paid for half of her wedding. And she and her husband make good money.
We are not upset about our grandkids spilling the beans, as far as they knew, she also received the gift, thus she was exempt from the people who they shouldn’t tell
NTA. She cared more about the cost of a gift than your presence at her wedding. That’s not stress, that’s spoiled. And her mother backing her up shows why she is spoiled. If she’d apologised BEFORE finding out about the money, then you might’ve believed that her remorse was been real…. But she didn’t.
She called you ‘furious’ once she found out - trying to force you to give her more AGAIN. Then tried tears to manipulate you. Now, with no wedding to blame her behaviour on, she’s refusing to come to events until you cough up the cash.
Guess you know what value she puts on her grandparents. She’s entitled, spoiled and rude.
As someone who has always been the least favorite grandchild, I was expecting some blatant favoritism, but it's clear that she just did this to herself. She isn't furious at you, OP. She's furious at herself because she screwed herself out of 40k.
P.S. you didn't get her the cheapest thing on the registry. I have an air fryer and there's nothing better
NTA. I would never DREAM of criticizing a gift, never mind coming from a family member. I’m horrified at her behavior. And her doubling down and wanting to not attend Christmas? I’d stay with the decision.
If she had apologized profusely and then let it go I might have gifted the original money on their one year anniversary. But her continued tantrum, no. She does not deserve it acting like an entitled spoiled brat.
It blows my mind that so many people here seem to think that wealthy relatives are obligated to give expensive gifts, and that it's to be expected that someone would feel cheated or devalued by 'only' getting a $100 gift off their registry. No one is entitled to someone else's money!