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Woman compares her miscarriage to death of a fiancé; 'it's not the end of the world.'

Woman compares her miscarriage to death of a fiancé; 'it's not the end of the world.'


After a family dispute, a woman posted on Reddit to find out if she indeed was the A-hole...

'AITA (Am I the A-hole) for telling my cousin this isn't a grief competition and she should understand that, after she went off at me?'

wasitheasshole_ writes:

I had a miscarriage last year which was the worst moment of my life, and it took a big hit in our relationship. Me and my husband's divorce just got finalized last month and it's honestly a different type of pain, but I thankfully have wonderful friends and family who've been supporting me all the way.

We had Christmas dinner with family. A lot of my relatives kept checking in with me, asking if I was doing okay and bringing me food. I felt really loved and it was pretty fun overall, and took my mind off everything for a bit.

My cousin A's fiance recently passed. She was at dinner, but wasn't talking much and mostly kept to herself. I saw her getting soda, so I asked if she could bring me one as well.

That didn't go well.

A got upset and started going off at me, why she should have to bring me things and I can get my own. I told her it's completely fine if she doesn't, I just asked since she was already there and she's making a big deal.

A looked like she was about to cry, and kept going off about how I expected everyone to 'fawn' over me and no one cares about her and her fiance.

I told A we're all doing our best. I'm sorry if she feels that way but this isn't a grief competition, and she should understand that. A few people overheard us, but the conversation changed and it wasn't a huge issue. A's sister messaged me later that what I said to A is 'awful' and we're all awful to her.

I told my best friend what happened and she suggested I post on here for opinions. I didn't think this was such a big deal, but A thought otherwise. Was I the a-hole here?

What do you think? Is this a case of NAH (no a-holes here), or is someone in the wrong?

Reddit ruled mostly YTA (you're the a-hole) about OP. But don't worry! They explained why...

Crypticbeliever1 says:

A's fiancé just died and she's asking for favors and diminishing A's grief by saying it's not a competition. Grief isn't a competition but if someone's grief is recent then it's a little inconsiderate to ask them to do anything for you and then to basically say your grief isn't worse than mine when OP's grief is a year old.

OP should've offered to get A drinks instead especially if she saw A was actively mourning.

WokeJabber picks OP's words (in since deleted comments) apart:

My condolences on your loss. From the main post, it doesn't sound like you did anything very wrong, but, based on your other replies, YTA majorly and the rest of your family isn't much better.

I had a sudden panic attack one day. I'm very close to my mom but she was in a different city at the time, so I called my aunt to come visit. She stayed with me instead of going to the funeral, and A sent some not so nice texts to me later.

You called her mother away from her fiance's funeral; of course she was upset with you.

... even at Christmas dinner when everyone was chatting and talking, she wasn't joining in

Her fiance just died. And your relatives were all hovering around you, because of a year old event. Grief is not a competition, but some is fresher than other.

And here is the big one that got deleted:

it's not a competition to see who has it worse, and A is still very young (21), beautiful and smart, so it's not the end of the world for her (vs the pain of losing a child and having your relationship break down over it).

So, grief is not a competition, but your year old loss is much more serious than her fiance's recent death. Right. I'm beginning to wonder if her being beautiful and smart is the reason you are just a beast about her.

I know a couple of people that overheard our conversation tried to gently explain that to her, but she ended up leaving earlier.

Your whole family sucks and I hope she reaches out to her late (you know, the one that died recently) fiance's family for love and support, because she certainly is not going to get any from a family that dances attendance on the best manipulator.

PoppinBubbles578 says:

Honestly, even without ghosts of comments past popping up in this thread, I’d still say OP is YTA. It’s not that hard to shift focus from the entire family from OP to A who is obviously going through very new grief, withdrawing from family and honestly probably not of an age to be equipped with even how to handle it (simply saying most 21 y/o people have not experienced such a significant loss, not a blanket observation).

TechnicianPerfect1 agrees:

My gut instinct told me when she asked for that soda, there was entitlement going on but I let it go but something about that seemed wrong, its tragic to lose a child and there aren’t enough words to describe OP’s loss but she definitely seems to be the TA in this situation.

Sources: Reddit
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