Guy asks if he'd be wrong to skip Thanksgiving over slights at brother's wedding.
In this holiday post, a guy feels slighted by his brother in a few ways. Now he feels like he needs to confront is brother with his hurt, and go low contact. Should he have just sucked it up and gotten over it, or is he right to skip some family events in the name of self care? Here's his story...
My brother and I are 8 years apart. I’m older. Since he was about 12 I have lived in another state. We aren’t close, but we hang out a few times a year and it’s easy and fun. I recently moved to the same city as he and my parents.
I envisioned us getting closer but it never really happened. He’s the king of “I’ll call you tomorrow” with zero follow-up. It hurts my feelings, but I’ve accepted it and take what I can get.
He got married this past September. I was told that there was no wedding party because his wife’s family is too big for her to make a choice, and she didn’t want to leave people out. I was given instructions to get a gray suit and that I’d be given a blue tie for pictures.
The day of the wedding I was hanging out in the men's dressing room and I saw that my brother had a gold tie. And that his best friend has a gold tie. And that his old bandmate had a gold tie. Odd, but I didn’t think too much of it.
The ceremony started and I was sitting in the audience. Lo and behold, the music starts and there’s a procession. My brother’s two gold-tie friends walk in and line up on stage left, and his wife’s sister and her husband walk in and line up on stage right. The nonexistent wedding party.
At this point I have an almost out-of-body experience. The ceremony was a blur. After the ceremony we “took pictures,” which means I took one picture with my brother and that was it. I spent the cocktail hour in a stall in the bathroom, embarrassed and hurt.
I made it through dinner ok, and instead of cake my brother had made a ton of his specialty cookies for dessert. I’m allergic to the recipe as-is, but with a simple tweak I can have them. He didn’t make any for me, or even warn me this was happening so I could bring my own dessert.
Anyways, I left the second dancing started. And a week later sent the newlyweds a letter saying basically “I thought things would improve once I moved here, but this wedding has shown me that we don’t have a relationship outside holidays at mom and dad’s house, so let’s just keep it real and I will see you there, being disappointed all the time isn’t healthy for either of us”.
The problem is that Thanksgiving is upon us, and not only will they be at my parents’ house, but they are bringing a couple of friends with them, so I will be really outnumbered and uncomfortable.
WIBTA if I opt out for this one year, stating it’s too fresh of a wound for me and I’ll see y’all at Christmas?
Here's what people had to say in the comments:
Wide-Bee7783 writes:
YTA. I'm sorry his wedding was not about you, but it was never about you. You went to the wedding. You just didn't have a role large enough for you when you admit your not close to your brother. Did you expect to be his best man? You are being a petty AH at this point.
ElMangosto OP responded:
One, I was lied to, and I found out in real time. Two, his friends knew nothing about me. Like, past that I exist. My friends know all about him. I don't care about the wedding, I care that about learning in so many ways that he doesn't give a shit about me.
SwimmingCritical writes:
To send that letter at all is mean, aggressive and weepy.
ElMangosto OP responded:
Did you read it? :) Its complimentary, respectful, and matter of fact. Basically: You don't want me in your life as a friend, I will stop trying. I'll be very glad to see you at mom and dads but lets call it what it is. A relationship that happens at mom and dads.
SwimmingCritical writes:
Why do grown adults insist upon acting like children? ESH. He should have told you. And don't act like you're being all mature saying you 'set a boundary.' You made a sulking ultimatum because your brother didn't give you the fancy gold tie at the wedding.
ElMangosto OP responded:
I can see that perspective. It wasn't so much an ultimatum as 'ok, I get it now, I'll stop trying to be a friend-brother and let's just run onto each other at holidays'. Nothing mean or aggressive or even weepy. Just 'I'll stop knocking since you're not answering'.
paulStuart1 writes:
NAH, I think you just really over think things at times and try too hard with your brother.
ElMangosto OP responded:
You're 100% right about both things there. Most of my friends would say the same thing.
TreeTrunkTrick writes:
Yes YWBTA. You aren’t close to your brother, why would you assume you’re in the wedding? It’s his wedding, he can pick whoever he wants. He isn’t close to you, you aren’t privy to the wedding details. So you aren’t going to your family thanksgiving just because you didn’t get a spot in a wedding of a person you aren’t even close to? Wow.
ElMangosto OP responded:
I honestly expected a talk about who his best man was going to be and why it wasn't me. Instead there was this big lie that I found out about in real time, which sort of made me realize he doesn't give a shit about me. The guy he chose...his wife hates and he never hangs out with anymore.
Liathano_Fire writes:
You're expecting a whole lot out of someone you aren't particularly close to.
-You expected to be in the wedding party. -You wanted him to MAKE a few cookies special for you....on HIS wedding day. It's dessert, not the main course.
You don't have to go to Thanksgiving, but any strain on this relationship is more your over thinking and high expectations than anything else. The letter was 100% uncalled for and not needed. You made his wedding all about you and your relationship with him. That's not okay.
ElMangosto OP responded:
To be honest, I didn't expect to be in the party. I was realistic about it from the beginning. I did expect a chat about how he was picking someone who was closer to him for a longer time. When that never happened and the date approached, I asked what was happening with the party. That's when I was told there was none.
99-Agility writes:
You and your brother aren’t particularly close at all. What makes you think he remembers you have a dietary restriction, and on top of that, with how much detail goes into planning a wedding, even if he did remember, why do you treat it as an intentional slight against you instead of “my brother has been busy and it slipped his mind when he was preparing desserts for 100 people”?
ElMangosto OP responded:
Trust me, no on in our family forgets food restrictions. It's a thing.
Goaliedude3919 writes:
The dude couldn't have a cookie for dessert. Get out of here with that 'not being able to safely eat ' nonsense. He ate the full meal, he just didn't get dessert. And if it's the brother's wedding, I don't blame him for not changing the recipe.
ElMangosto Op responded:
It's a corn allergy. He just had to NOT put frosting on a couple oatmeal cream pies. Arguable less work actually.
CompleteInsect8373 writes:
You don't need to go.
But your brother did nothing wrong. You do not need to put siblings in the wedding party just because. Je had the desserts je wanted for his wedding. Your allergies are bad for you but don't effect wedding deserts
ElMangosto OP responded:
I absolutely get it, but we're talking about a two-second 'maybe I won't put cream on two of these two hundred cookies so my brother can have a couple'. My measuring stick is that I'd do that for him without even thinking about it.