'AITA for telling my mom I will never be happy she's doing better with her do-over family?'
"AITA for telling my mom I will never be happy she's doing better with her do-over family?"
My mom was not active in my life when I was young. She left it all to my dad. He was such a good dad too and he did his best to make up for mom never being around. They were married btw. She was married to her job mostly. Or always doing her own thing.
Dad would try to bring us together but she always had excuses. A year before he died I noticed he started to grow more frustrated with her. She'd let us both down many times and they started arguing.
The day he died (he got into a crash) he stormed out of the house after mom accused him of trying to pawn me off on her and how she wasn't some cheap babysitter.
After he died, she was in a weird place for a few months. I hardly saw her and spent most time at my uncle (dad's best friend)'s house. She met someone new and dedicated a lot of time to him.
I was 11 when dad died. Had turned 12 when she met her husband. It was obvious how different she was with her second husband. It was also obvious when she had kids with him that she was a more involved mom. She actually went with them to see Santa, took them places, made memories. All stuff she never did with us or even me. I resent it. I'll be honest.
Her husband noticed it before I moved out of their house and called me out on not being happy for my 'siblings' and him. They are her kids but she's not really my mom so they're not really my siblings.
I told him he got everything my dad had begged for. That I would not be happy she let my dad die unhappy, that she made me unhappy my whole childhood. He called me childish.
I told him I didn't give a f*ck about his opinion or his happiness. I moved out before I graduated and before I even turned 18 (live with my uncle now). It was just better.
Ever since mom has been like why don't you visit, why do you never call, why do you never answer texts? She texted me twice before that point in 3 months. She asked to meet me last week so I did since she was paying. She told me she was doing better by her family now and did not like that I carried such a clear grudge.
She said she's doing everything with them to make sure they don't miss her like I did and I should be happy for her and them. That she'd like to think my dad would be happy for her.
And that was too far for OP.
I told her there is no way he would have been happy she ignored the kid he had with her and did everything he wanted with me for other kids. I told her at the end of his life dad probably didn't even love her anymore, like she clearly never loved us.
I told her I will never be happy that she's doing better with her do over family. That she could take her pawning off and cheap babysitter ass and stay the hell away from me.
She called me spiteful and said I should love my 'siblings' enough to be glad for them at least. She also sent me a text over the weekend saying I'm just like she was and congratulations for being what I hate. AITA (Am I the a-hole)?
Here's what people had to say:
YTA (You're the a-hole), but at least you're self-aware. Maybe work on being happy for your mom while taking care of yourself too!
That will never happen. She doesn't deserve any happiness. -OP
NTA (Not the a-hole). She literally said in your face 'yeah I neglected you ignored you and outright refused to watch you but I’m doing it for THEM now so why aren’t you happy?' Your egg doner doesn’t deserve the time of day I’m so sorry for the loss of your father.
Right??? Like what do you want, a cookie? Part of me wonders if she's looking for that cheap babysitter in somebody else. -OP
FranksBag gets brutal:
As long as you hold this grudge you're never going to be happy yourself much less her or for anyone else. Just stop talking to her until you're really ready to talk. From that perspective, your mom is right. She probably did her best with you, who could have easily been an oops baby.
The fact that she made it 12 years with your dad is a testament to how hard she tried even if from your view it wasn't much. It may be that your dad had to pressure her just to have you and not go for an abortion. We really don't know enough about their relationship from your account other than a 12 year old's idealized remembrance of her dad.
She never tried. She wasn't around to try. She was working all the time and distant. Never spent time with either of us. That is not trying. That is just not giving a s%*t. -OP
You have a right to your feelings, no matter what. But (lol), consider therapy, please! You need to think through how your life will be moving forward, you might actually want a relationship w/ these siblings. Maybe even your mother.
I will never want a relationship with them. They are not my family. They are not people I care about (anymore regarding her). I was better when I was without contact with her. -OP
NTA...She may be doing better by her new family, but what is she doing to make amends with you? She's simply trying to get you to give her a free pass.
Nothing. That has never been on her radar. She just decided to start over instead of fixing her mistakes. -OP
Every_Caterpillar945 asks:
Are you sure she is your bio mom? So you know the story of your parents? Like did they have to get married bc she got pregnant or did they love each other, got married and then they got you?
Something in your post sounds like your mom resented you and your dad for something. Not that she was right in doing so, I'm just wondering why someone with a motherly instinct (your 'siblings' prove she has one) would act like this and neglect her child so bad.
I am positive she's my bio mom. They were together a really long time, married a few years before I came along and they seemed really happy before I was born. She looked like she adored him back then. -OP
I wonder why she and her new husband can't be happy for you? You got an education, found family, and presumably made friends. She should be happy that you are prosperous in spite of her. And she should be happy that your father's life had meaning because his love still lives in you. If she can't be happy for you, why should you be happy for them?
Whether OP is being too harsh with her mom, it doesn't seem like her mom has any interest in apologizing or making up for it:
I would never do what my mom did to me to my future kids. I want to have a family so bad one day. And I will make sure I am there for them as much as I can be.
I won't break promises, I won't skip Christmas and their birthdays, I won't leave everything to my husband and leave my kids waiting for me to show up until they realize I'm not coming and move on with their hearts broken. She doesn't care. I know she doesn't care.