'I won't forgive my family until they pay back my inheritance they spent on themselves.' UPDATED

To forgive, or not to forgive, that is the question.

In a popular post on the Relationship Advice subreddit, a man shared the ultimate financial saga with his family, and how it's not affecting his relationship with his fiance.

"I (25M) refuse to forgive my sisters (33F), (31F) and my parents (63F and 60M) until they pay me back my inheritance, they spent on themselves!"

I 25 (M) am the youngest of 3 siblings. (33F) and (31F). My parents (63F and 60M) are owners of a grocery store that was passed down through my father's side of the family for generations. My grandparents on both my dad and mom's side, left me and my siblings each a college/trust fund of $100K. Each of my sisters blew through their money and drop out of college.

Both of them became single mothers to my 3 nieces (10F, 8F, and 7F) and came back and to work for my parents’ store. I was the only kid who didn’t work for my parents’ business, as I got a job as a landscaper for the summers and after school throughout my entire HS years and saved up about $20K.

I got accepted into college on a partial scholarship, and I was beyond trilled because I knew I had a great opportunity to leave college debt free and own my own home by the time I was 22. Just as my sisters did when they turned 18, I ask my parents to turn over access to the trust wanted to have the money under my control just like my sisters did. That’s when parents told me we would discuss this at dinner tonight.

So at the dinner my whole family was there including my nieces. when it was time to talk about my trust my dad and Mom ask me if I would consider holding off on accessing the trust for two years as they had to use some of the money to cover some of the healthcare and living cost of their grandkids, and also pay off a lawsuit that my sister Gloria received for a DUI.

I asked how much they used, and my mom said there is currently $5k left in the account. So, they spent $95K and none of it went to me! My dad said we just need you to think about your family and understand that we need your help in this request. I said isn’t it great that everyone benefited from this money besides the person it was intended for.

Gloria and Lorie, got to go to college and travel the world with their money while with my money I got to pay for their all their mistakes. My last words to my family were that this was not a request as the decision was already made and I moved out and left.

I still went to college as I had a partial scholarship, and over those years I used the money I had in my savings to start my own landscaping business which employs 6 guys, and we are doing great. I never got a chance to spend any of the money my grandparents left for me as my parents never built back up the trust.

Two years ago, I found out from my lawyer when I sent in a formal request to access the trust that the current balance was $3,456.13. Less than the $5K my parents told me about. My sisters, and parents have tried to reconnect throughout the years, but I have always resent every gift, letter, and invitation they have sent me back to them.

I am getting married next month, and my fiancé wants to meet my family, and help me close this chapter in my life. My fiancé wants me to forgive and move on as I haven't spoken to them in years. Am I in the wrong for telling my fiancé sorry, but I cannot move on from this?

Redditors had OP's back.

OgusLaplop wrote:

Tell your fiance you love what she is trying to do, but you were robbed of $100,000, and they ceased being worthy of the term family. When they come back with repayment plus interest then reconciliation can begin. Why didn't you sue the trustees of the estate? You really should have.

bpfoto wrote:

A trust is NOT to be spent on others. I'd hire a lawyer to look over the papers and possibly sue. $100,000 is a lot of $$.

egbert71 wrote:

And they did all of that without even telling you, "hey, uhh we might need to borrow xyz?" They have to make right what they stole...I'm all for family trust me , but you don't steal from family. They were being sneaky sneaks. It's not his niece's fault in anyway but the moms and grandparents. If they can't see how bad that is I don't blame you at all OP...make sure you get it In legal writing that you'll get paid back.

ghost93TH wrote:

No way in hell I would try reconciliation with them. My cousin has stolen from us (40k€) and my aunt has always backing him and honestly we can't forgive his family because there are some mistakes that are unforgivable (but I understand they are your parent but sometimes blood means nothing).

Three weeks later, OP jumped on with a major update.

So much has happened that I think the best way to do this is to put this in key points and answer in the comments. What has happened since:

Fiancé admitted to speaking with my family on FB Messenger, and they also spoke in person when she said they met each other in a restaurant. (Happen a month ago) Fiancé said it was very emotional.

I told my fiancé I am extremely disappointed that she withheld this information from me for a month. Fiancé told me she felt guilty and afraid to tell me because she thought I might break up with her and cancel the wedding if I found out. She wanted to wait till after the wedding to tell me.

However, yesterday my mom called her directly begging her to help me reunite our family. She missed so much of my life, and she doesn’t want to miss another milestone (Wedding).

Fiancé knows she has violated my trust and gave me the most heart-melting sincere apology I ever heard in my life and ask for forgiveness. She even had her parents ask me to forgive her and not cancel the wedding.

Her Dad and Mom told me they loved me and hope I could move past this.

Her Dad loves me, he literally has a picture of me in his office. Just me and him (lol). Introduces me as his son for the past 2 years. He cried and said he doesn’t want to lose me as a son.

I forgave my fiancé. Sisters came to my business with my nieces and desperately wanted to talk. Sisters deeply regret their part in the decisions that were made on their behalf, want to be a family again. They understand my position and anger, but they miss me and want me back in their lives. My nieces also asked why I don’t come around anymore and am I mad at them.

Sisters explained this has destroyed our parents’ marriage as it has now come out that my mom apparently spent the majority of the money without my dad knowing, and then when he found out my mom wanted Dad to say it was both of their decision because she believes if it came out that it was her that decided by herself and not my dad.

That I would never forgive her no matter what and would disown her because I always accused her of playing favorites. (tbh, she is right I would have disowned her.) My mom pleaded with my dad to cover for her decision to empty my fund. Dad was furious but decided to say he and my mom decided to spend the money.

Dad now resents our mom because he no longer has a relationship with his only son. He also hears from his friends how great of a relationship me and FIL have. I call FIL (Dad) He calls me his (son). Dad told my mother either she fixes this or he is done with her and he is telling me the truth.

I told my sisters that I loved them and my nieces, and I do not hate them. However, they helped robbed me of a very important gift that our Grandparents gave each of us and I missed out on life experiences that they got to experience, and I did not. It is like they stole my last gift they our grandparents left for me.

We all cried, and I accepted their apology, but I told them I do not know how to let go of this resentment I feel towards them. I let them know our relationship will take time to rebuild.

I asked them to set up a meeting with just me and Dad and not my Mom.

I met with my Dad alone. My Dad was shocked that I requested the meeting. He looked defeated and ask to speak first. My Dad told me he is and has been depressed for the last few years and feels like he truly failed me as my father, and he knows he betrayed me, and as a father, he must take that to his grave that he is the reason his son hates him.

He said he is extremely jealous of the relationship I have with my FIL, and he just started crying for like three minutes straight. I told him I know it was Mom who decided to spend the money. I told him I understand why he didn’t throw Mom under the bus, but he deeply hurt me by covering for Mom's decision this long. I told him I love him and said he doesn’t owe me anything anymore.

He is done owing Mom’s debt. We both cried and hugged for like 5 minutes. I invited him. My sisters, and my nieces over to dinner at my place that night without mom. I let my sisters and my dad know that if they came to the dinner with my mom with them that this would be the last time we speak.

My mom clearly found out about the reunion without her and wanted to speak, I refused her request, and told her please bring a check for $100K if you want to talk to me. My wedding is on Sep 3rd and I have since invited everyone but my Mom. My sisters want me to hear Mom's side of the story, and my dad has said he is done covering for my mom's decision.

My fiancé is happy and supports my decision 100%, even though I know she wants me to meet with my mother. She just got forgiven herself, so she doesn’t want to push it. Should I meet with my mom before or after she hands me the check for $100K?

Redditors were deeply opinionated about the situation.

Jen5872 wrote:

Wow. It kinda seems like your sisters used their kids to manipulate you into feeling guilty for leaving. Yet in all this time, no one has saved a dime to repay you?

OP responded:

They did use the kids to talk to me. They admitted it too. They were desperate and use the one thing they knew would work. They have attempted to talk to me in the past at least 10 times. But every time I would reject them or closed the door in their face. So this time they brought my nieces to ensure I would at least hear them out.

NotYourMommyDear wrote:

Your sisters could probably try to help your mother raise the $100k she stole from you, since they were the direct benefactors, despite having their own $100k. Unfortunately, it's likely she would only spend any funds given to her regardless. I'd be dubious over inviting them to the wedding until after the outcome of their hearing her side of the story.

She needs to return the stolen money before you consider any relationship with her. You were the scapegoat child, while both your sisters remain her golden children. She's done nothing so far to merit any forgiveness.

Kassiesaurus wrote:

IDK, I'm glad you feel happy with your decisions, but the whole thing leaves a very dirty taste in my mouth. Your fiance sounds like a piece of manipulative work, and your remaining family the same.

Maybe I'm too cynical but damn, they all deliberately hurt you, manipulated you, used you, spit you out - it may have started with your mother, but it wasn't just your mother. But kudos to you for, and I hope I'm wrong about your soon-to-be-wife.

k4rm4cub3 wrote:

Everybody here seems to think that money is worth permanently losing your family over. But sometimes pushing everyone away takes a much bigger toll on your life than losing any amount of money. To me it's a matter of: what do they need to do to regain your trust; how long do you want to punish them or their children; and what you need to do to get past the resentment.

You get to decide where the boundaries are and it sounds like you've spent a lot of time and anguish on that already. Don't doubt yourself based on these haters. Do what's best for yourself and the people you love.

PrimalSkink wrote:

They were all so broken and upset not one of them saved a dime to replace what was stolen. I can't believe you are letting them manipulate you into contact with them. I am stunned you're willing to forgive your fiancee's blatant breech of trust and betrayal because she apologized so pretty like. Can't wait to hear what else she feels really bad about she decided to keep quiet on until after the wedding.

Clearly, the internet has mixed feelings about this update.