'WIBTA if I cancel my vacation because my in-laws are following us?' UPDATED
"WIBTA if I cancel my vacation because my in-laws are following us on vacation?"
My husband is very close with his parents. His parents moved to the other side of the country to be closer to him and his siblings. They also babysit our kids 3 times in a week. So we see them weekly.
Some weeks we see them also on the weekends. I am so grateful that they babysit our kids, and that they are amazing grandparents. We pay them a small amount every month. But seeing them so often is taking a toll on me.
His parents don’t have any friends or close relatives. That’s why they often spend time with my us. I don’t mind seeing them a few times in a week. But some weeks it’s just too much and overwhelming.
I really miss my family. We try to see my parents 1-2 times in a month. They live a little far so that’s why we cant visit them often. My parents suggested a family trip to their home country next year.
Me, my siblings and our families all agreed to go. When my parents in law found out, they also told us that they will be going (they come from the same country). So they booked the exact same flight. They’re going because we are going.
I told my husband my worries about them following us on vacation. I just want to enjoy my vacation with my family. I just want to take a break from my in-laws. My husband agreed, but he said he can’t ban them from going.
He told us that my in-laws said that they have their own planning and that we can just do our thing and that they won’t bother us.
Well today my sister asked my FIL what their vacation plans were. And surprise! My in-laws have the same planning as us, they will visit the same places as the same time as us. Not the whole planning. But a lot is overlapping with our plans.
I told my husband about this, and he did not know about this either. But his reactions was very bland. He told me to not worry and that we would just follow our own planning and to not mind my in-laws.
We already had discussions about this situation a few times before. And my husband told me we can just cancel the whole trip as the solution. But I just want to spend some time with my family without my in-laws following us.
Talking to them is difficult for me because the language barrier. My husband doesn’t see any problems with his parents following us.
My sister jokingly told me that I can’t escape from them. I really want to cancel the trip now. But she told me that my parents are really looking forward to this vacation and just to suck it up.
She told me that I would be the AH if I cancel everything just because of my in-laws wanting to spend time with us on vacation. So WIBTA for canceling the vacation?
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
NTA - Hubby must have shared the info with them. You need to sit them down and tell them this trip the kids will be spending with your family and that it isn't fair for them to take away time from your parents.
NTA. Get hold of your family and change what you're doing on the trip. Do the same things, do them on different days, at different times, don't tell your husband.
When he says, 'I thought we were going to the zoo tomorrow?' Your answer is, 'YOU are going to the zoo tomorrow, with your parents.' When he says, 'I thought we were going on a picnic this afternoon?'
Then your answer is, 'YOU are going this afternoon, with your parents.' This becomes the answer to everything. When he asks, 'why are you doing this?' Your answer is, 'you know why I'm doing it, we talked about it, you were indifferent to my concerns.
You said not to worry about it, that we would do our own thing. Well, I'm doing my own thing.' You do what you want with your family and kids and he gets to entertain his parents, they are, after all, his responsibility.
NTA I'd be canceling too. How can they possibly be so oblivious? But the real problem here is your hubs. He needs to grow a backbone and tell his parents that they are not welcome on this trip. You have a right to spend time away from them. Talk about stalkerish behavior....
You have a husband problem. You need to communicate with him that you need some time with your immediate family without having to worry about his family. He’s being selfish and has zero backbone.
You are best to postpone the trip a few weeks. But let him know, his cavalier attitude is a problem. You deserve time with your family.
They didn’t book an identical trip coincidentally. Your husband was in on it. I’d cancel the trip and tell him going forward you don’t want them intruding on your trips.
NTA, I bet the husband planned this entire thing and is playing dumb.
I often tell people it's usually not the In laws as much as it is the partner that's failing to keep them in check. Most in-laws can be kept in check in general or kept LC (low contact) or VLC or blocked and NC etc.
Only very rarely the ILs are so excessively obnoxious and stalkerish that the partner can't keep them in check and that's the moment when you Lawyer up and get restraining orders etc.
Your ILs sound rather reasonable, typical lightly obnoxious ILs that would love to cross boundaries if possible. The issue is the partner who should maintain the boundaries and clearly explain that it is not possible and will not be possible to cross them withour severe repercussions. That's not what your husband is doing.
Here's how OP responded to the advice:
Edit: Oh wow! I woke up to 200+ messages. Im trying to read through everything. My husband did share the itinerary with his parents.
His reason was that he didn’t see any problems with it because his parents told him many times that they wouldn’t bother us, and that they wanted to meet up a few times.
Now I am hearing that my in-laws will spend the Chinese new years with my family on vacation. And no we can’t change the date for the flights. We booked early so the flight tickets were pretty cheap. Now the tickets are 1000+ per person…
We can change the itinerary, so i am gonna talk with my husband about it. My husband is a great husband. But he’s very laid back. I will talk with him again. He knows this is bothering me.