Woman asks if she'd be wrong to kick out 16 y/o 'daughter' for not turning iron off.
In a post on Reddit a woman asked for advice. This is one of those cases where the advice helped, and it seems like things are moving in the right direction. Here's her story.
A little background information, I (37F) had my (16F) while still in college. My parents felt I was too young to and too broke to raise her so they raised her. They took on the roles of her parents and her father has never been in the picture so I was grateful and although she knows I'm her mother, she sees me as a sister.
I try my best to make sure she lives comfortably and has everything she needs but really, there's only so much I can do since my parents are capable enough and I appreciate them.
The conflict started when she came to stay over at my place two weeks ago to try and bond as mother and daughter. I'll be honest, I've always wanted this but she didn't, she only came because my parents asked her to. She's a darling for the most part but she leaves every appliance she uses on.
If she enters a room and turns on the lights, she will leave it on too. It's quite irritating and I tried to talk to her about it. She laughed it off every time and told stories about her bad memory and what she forgot to turn off at so and so's house. Part of me thinks she's doing it to vex me.
I honestly have no problem turning lights off when she leaves rooms but my house is never lacking in kids. I have none myself apart from my daughter but my friends and neighbors often drop theirs over for me to watch them and I love them.
Yesterday, my daughter went out with friends and left the electric iron on and I only found out when my neighbor's kid (F10) told me the iron is hot. Needless to say, I was furious. I went off on my daughter when she came back and reminded her that kids like to poke at sockets and the iron could have caused an injury.
'Besides, it's a fire hazard. She said ok, sorry, and she would try to remember, only to leave it on again this morning.'
The plan was to stay for two months and it's only been two weeks but I'm reconsidering it. My friend thinks sending her back will blow up the only chance at bonding. So will I be the asshole if I sent her back to my parents and banned her from my house regardless?
An important comment by OP:
I met her for the first time when she was 11. My parents didn't let me meet her earlier. We only meet during Christmas and her birthdays since then (their rules) and have only stayed in the same house for more than a day recently.
Comments:
YTA. Going from 'unplug the iron' to 'get out of my house' is quite a leap.
You now suddenly have your child in the house. At 16 she looks adult, but she is a kid. Childproof it. Have conversations with your child.
There won’t be a house to kick her out of if it burns down from that iron
First Update/Edit, within two hours of the post:
ETA info for those calling me a bad mother for giving her away. I did not choose this. They took her. It was a whole court case that ruled in my parents' favor because they had money and I was still in college.
They have been great grandparents and they have the right to decide whether or not I get to see her, and they only allowed me to meet her when she was 11 and stay with her recently. She also doesn’t 'forget' anywhere else. Just at my place.
More Comments:
LMAO I'm an adult almost 30 and still remind myself to turn oven and hair iron off. It's not that I'm maliciously destructive or stupid, I just FORGET.
I am 52 and I have left my keys in the door, I've left the hose or even the sink run, I've gotten out of my car with my seat belt still on - that's life!
A later comment by OP giving more detail:
It doesn't matter anymore since we talked it out and I'm being down voted for answering questions but anyway, here's briefly what happened. I'm an only child and my parents always believed me to be this extremely high achiever I always tried my best to be.
They were disappointed when they found out I was expecting and while I felt I was ready to take responsibility (have my baby and take care of her) they felt I was too young and I had wasted their efforts by having a child while still in school (college) and ruining the reputation they had always had as good parents. I didn't really have a shot at winning in first place.
My health matters were involved which I don't think the Internet needs to know but that, and the fact that they had a better lawyer, worked in their favor. I tried and failed to get her custody. Them taking my baby was meant to be punishment to me for 'playing around instead of learning' but I see how much they love her.
Their intention might have been mean at first but they love and take good care of her and I cannot deny that. I also did not include any of this in my post because again, the conflict was between my daughter and I. Not between her and my past.
One more:
I'm not American. I'm Indian and parents often have the upper hand here
Second Update, not sure exactly when but within thirteen hours of the original post:
Thank you all for the comments and advice. I totally see the mistake I was about to make. I also accept my judgement and I'm going to take responsibility for my thoughts which I'm glad did not become actions.
I spoke to my daughter a while ago and told her my side of things. How I genuinely feel about her and all this and she listened. She didn't say much but she admitted she doesn't really see me as a mother since she knew me as a distant sister first so she didn't know what to do when her grandparents asked her to come over. She's not ready to call me mom yet.
She doesn't think she ever will and she assumed I would expect her to.
She's also upset about me having kids over most of the time as she feels they shouldn't get the right to be so close and clingy to me when she doesn't have that kind of freedom because again, I'm more of a sister she sees once in a lifetime to her.
Long story short, I realized it's going to be much harder than I ever imagined but I will try my best going forth to make her feel loved and welcome. I understand I should keep my boundaries but (in her words) I should stop walking on eggshells around her too. Which I will try to.
She didn't promise to do the same but she did promise to stop doing things that could potentially cause harm, which is a huge step.
While on that note, I would also like to point out that it's quite mean of commentors to make assumptions on something they know nothing about. My past had nothing to do with the post and I left it out, only adding brief answers to questions I got asked.
We are all in different countries with different laws and views and just because things go a certain way in your country doesn't mean they go that exact way in other countries. There are ways to express your view without sl*t shaming and name calling. We all learn from mistakes and I'm learning from mine.
I appreciate your judgement on my actions but I hope you can be kinder on other people's posts regardless of whether they are TA or not.
Final Comments:
As an Indian, the moment I read about the OOP's parents, I knew she was Indian. And then everything about her original post made sense to me.
She's 16, not 6. You don't have to remove the item - a16 yo should be expected to not make this mistake again after one warning.
But yes, nuts to kick your kid out over this. Seems like the grandparents took this kid in for good reason, OP has no patience or desire to learn parenting skills.
Childproof a home for a 16 year old? Is she meant to lock up all the appliances? I agree with your other statements but this one is ridiculous.