Man finds out his DNA is an 'abnormally high match percentage' to wife's. Updated!
'TIFU By getting getting tested to donate a kidney to my wife?'
I decided to get tested to see if I could donate my kidney to my wife of 6 years. We have two kids together (4f, 2m). My wife got sick just after our son was born and now is in need of a kidney transplant. We checked with her relatives and none were a match or a viable doner.
Last week I got tested. I knew it would be a long shot so I decided to get tested to see if I could donate. I got a call the other day saying that I was a match. The doctor then said something about wanting to do additional testing due to some information from the HLA tissue test results. I didn't think much of it and agreed.
Then the results came in I was shocked and confused. He explained that because of how DNA information is passed down through generations a parent to a child could have at least a 50% match. Siblings could have a 0-100% match. It was rare to have a high match as husband and wife. I asked what does that mean.
He said that my wife and I have an 'abnormally high match percentage.'
Long story short were related. No I'm not kidding. I was put up for adoption before I was born. Placed into a family that moved across the country. I knew I was adopted but we didn't have any I formation about my bio family. It was a closed adoption.
I met my wife by chance 8 years ago. I was on a trip from work and she was working at the site I went to. We worked together for a week. We exchanged numbers and kept in touch. I was sent back there 3 more times that year and each time we became closer. I was given the opertunity to be transferred out there in a new higher paying position in a different department as her's the rest is history.
I don't know what do do moving forward but I know it may be wrong. She is my wife and the mother of our kids. This post is probably going to get removed but it is all true.
Info from OP:
All of my family is from my adopted parents. My parents adopted me 2 minutes after I was born. Their name is on my Birth certificate. They have not told me anything about my bio parents and don't have any info.
Her family is not a match as stated above most of her family has low match potential or can't donate due to medical or other reasons. I am 2 years older than my wife. I do know that my wife was born when her parents were late teens.
Comments from the original post:
You already have kids and they are assumedly healthy since you didn’t mention any crazy abnormalities. If you’re happy, you’re happy. Donate the kidney to your sister-wife and continue being great parents to your children.
cavscout43 writes:
There were a lot of times in human history where small tribes / villages ended up with cousin marriage. Not really a requirement now, but it happened quite often back in the day. If I was OP, I'd avoid researching further and just roll with it at this point. Not point in calling attention to it.
Faiakishi writes:
The chance of having a kid with abnormalities rises about as much after one generation as it does when the mother is over 40. The danger comes from multiple generations of repeated inbreeding. I mean, it's still not ideal, but it's not that big of a deal
Update from OP 2 weeks later:
Yes, I do have bad grammar and spelling. Yes, I am stressed and freaking out. Yes, I can play the banjo. No there was no genetic test when we got married. Our state stopped that in the 1990s. No, my wife has never been stuck in the dryer but, she once got stuck under the bed....(joke)
The reason I did not go in too much detail is to try to not be so specific that I or my wife might be recognized. Well, the front page of Reddit didn't help with that. Thank you all for your comments and feedback. I didn't respond to them but I did read all of them.
The reason her family couldn't donate was that close relatives had some medical issues that prevent them from donating. Examples: high blood pressure, diabetes, cancer, heavy drinkers, and more. The further out we tested the less percent of a match. I wanted to be tested because we needed to find someone. The doctor said it would be unlikely but wouldn't hurt to try.
I was freaking out after I got the news and had to get outside advice. When the doc said that the percentage was abnormally high and that we might be related I kind of zoned out and started to piece things together in my mind.
My parents live a thousand miles away. They met my inlaws a few times. Once at my wedding and when both my children were born. My children are fine. My daughter is incredibly smart for her age. My son is a handful and healthy.
The way my adoption worked was when my bio mom gave birth to me I was checked out and put in a different room(I was there but don't know how it officially worked). From what My parents explained they were in that room waiting. They never met my bio mom in person. My bio mom only had a profile and picked them out of many candidates.
I called my parents and told them that I needed to know everything they knew about my bio mom. They told me that they had limited knowledge. They said she was a single mom that was 16 years old. The father was not in the picture. Also, I was born in a hospital one hour from where my wife was born. Like I said limited knowledge.
Growing up I didn't want to find out about my bio parents. To me, my parents were always my parents. I knew I was adopted and that it was a closed adoption. I figure it wouldn't matter long term.
I'm not going to do an additional at-home DNA test through any of the traditional testing sites like 23 or ancestry due to personal reasons. Like the possibility of the family finding out. The doc said all of this to only me, not with my wife present. Some of the additional tests were done through the doctor which was the cM test? (I'm not an expert on DNA testing) they said it was like a 1900+ cM match.
This basically confirms one of my bio parents is one of hers. (it can also mean first cousins or aunt/uncle) I'm guessing her dad. (when my kids were born my parents brought photos of me as a baby and commented that I and my son looked a lot like my wife's dad). My son was easily explainable. But all 3 of us are a different story.
I'm not going to bring this up ever. I might look at my FIL differently but nothing will hopefully change. I hope none of the family goes on Reddit and connects the dots.
I am donating my kidney to my wife. We have started the full process. That takes time and a lot of preparation. I plan on talking to my wife after the surgery and after recovery. We will decide what to do with our kids. If we are going to get them tested or ever tell them. I will not be leaving my wife. I love and will always be there for her. I made vows and I will keep them. I love her more than I would a half-sister.
More info from OP:
I do plan on telling her after the surgery. She is not doing well and I think this will be even harder in her. I would rather her know that I love her as a husband rather than flip her world upside down right before life-changing and dangerous surgery. If something were to happen. Telling our kids is not a decision I'm going to make on my own it will be a joint thing after my wife knows.
Here's what people had to say after the update:
Dragonic_Smile writes:
You're doing a good thing. Despite what you know now, your priority is to the person you love. You had no idea how genetically close you were until this moment and your wife needs help. It will be a huge shock to her and maybe the best thing to do would be to tell your kids when they are mature enough to take the information seriously.
Obviously thats something you and your wife will have to talk about. If I had found this out about me and my other half (we have an 18 year old daughter together) it would not change how I feel about them, but I would definitely not have any more kids in case complications arose. I hope that the transplant is a success and that you both enjoy a lot more time together.
Mozart-Luna-Echo writes:
Oof what a difficult position to be in. I feel bad for the poor guy, not only because he is either half siblings or first cousins with his wife, but also because he cannot tell her yet what’s going on. If she needs that kidney that urgently it makes sense that her general well being couldn’t handle such a bomb right now.
I wouldn’t be able to see my father in law in the same way after this. I also wonder if they’ll ever tell the kids. What a mess.
Leimon-Sherk writes:
This is why a lot of adopted and donor conceived children are now speaking out against the hush hush nature of these things and trying to get laws passed that demand doctors and adoption agencies be honest and transparent about who the bio parents are