'AITA for telling my sick mom I will always prioritize my in-laws? She kicked me out at 16.'

"AITA for telling my sick mom I will always prioritize my in-laws?"

My mom has 8 kids, I'm the 4th. She was a crap mom. She always seemed to hate me in particular. I think its because I look exactly like my Dad (not in the picture). Another thing that happened was when I was 16 our house burned down. We had to move into a family friend's basement.

My mom basically told me to get out and go find a place, because it's too crowded here, even though she never said that to my two older sisters who still lived with her, one was above 18. The next year my mom got another house and I moved back in. When I turned 18 she told me I had to pay rent. My older siblings were supposed to as well, but she never enforced it with them.

My second oldest sister is in her 30s now and still lives at home, she just sits on her phone all day. I never realized how f#$@ed up this was until I met my (now) wife and her parents. And while I know my mom tried her best as a single mom, she never tried her best with me (that's my therapist talking lol). Now my mom is trying to repair her relationship with me. She has skin cancer.

She got it taken out but the margins were positive or something. She's not dying tomorrow but does need more surgery. She invites me for holidays and calls every few months to rant about my other siblings. She called me last week and asked me to come over this weekend. I said I need to ask my wife what days we're going to her parents' house.

She said "why can't you set a date with me and then go to [wife's] parents house on the opposite day." I told her that I will always prioritize my wife's parents and they and my wife always get to pick the day. She acted all sad, I said "sorry I didn't mean it like that" but we both know I did. Now my younger sister who is her favorite is asking me how dare you. She told me mom called her crying.

I said mom's an adult who can manage her own feelings and I'm not responsible for them. She even tried to call and tattle to my wife...little does she know if it were up to my wife we wouldn't talk to any of them.

My sister said that upsetting an older sick person can make them take a turn for the worse and if anything happens to mom it's on me and I need to call and tell her I love her. My wife says don't worry about it. AITA?

The internet was fully invested in the dynamic.

VeronicaSawyer8 wrote:

"Mom's an adult who can manage her own feelings and I'm not responsible for them." NTA. You said it perfectly.

AdSufficient1642 wrote:

NTA. You do what you’re comfortable with. She wasn’t a wonderful mother to you, obviously. She doesn’t get a say in what you do as an ADULT. She wanted you to leave years ago. Cancer is making her realize how she should have done better, but the damage is done.

Squinky75 wrote:

"My sister said that upsetting an older sick person can make them take a turn for the worse and if anything happens to mom it's on me and I need to call and tell her I love her." The Mistress of Guilt. I bow to her great power!

Fairmount1955 wrote:

NTA. Bad parents often never realize the damage they do, nor that because they have decided to be better than it means they are entitled to anything from the children they hurt. Their regret doesn't undo their actions. I'm glad your wife has your back. What matters is what YOU can live with. It's great you have a supportive partner and a therapist.

She never prioritized you so why should you? And seems like her way of gaining a relationship with her kids is by talking shit about the other ones for each one of them. Pretty sure your other sibling receives similar calls, best example being your sister calling you immediately afterwards. I would not feed into that. You don't need to be part of that negative energy.

Your therapist should get a raise lol he's telling you what's right. You have the right to have your boundaries with her and let her know you feel uncomfortable as she is the one who made this relationship uncomfortable. Apologizing does not erase the past. It also means nothing until you see actual change in that person's behaviour. NTA, happy you've found an actual caring family even tho it was later in life ❤

serenasplaycousin wrote:

NTA. Please disregard anyone on this thread who calls you an AH. Your mother is reaping what she has sown with you.

OP is NTA here, it's clear his mom is simply facing the consequences of her own actions.