Father/uncle tells son/nephew the truth about his biological parents. (UPDATE)
I told my son/nephew the truth and my wife is pissed.
Confusing title? Welcome to the sh*t show.
My wife got pregnant when we started dating at 16. We decided to give the kid up for adoption once she had him. It was a tough decision, but we weren’t ready to be parents at 16.
My older sister had just gotten married and found out she had infertility. So, she proposed the idea of adopting our son. That way we could still be involved in his life and watch him grow up. My wife had him by c-section and my sister has raised him since. We agreed that none of us would tell him until we all agreed he was old enough to understand it.
Sure, it was tough to watch him go through life knowing that’s our kid until we finally had kids when we were ready. We’re now 36 and he’s getting ready to turn 20. I’ve got a great relationship with him as his uncle.
He comes to me with problems he can’t bring up this his parents, comes to our house regularly to spend time with our kids, and even said that he considers me his “dad” since his parents got divorced.
The OP then updates to explain in more detail:
*edit: we had conversations all the time about telling him as soon as he turned 13. Then it got pushed to 15, then to 18, and still no one had wanted to tell him.
We had a deal. If he found a car he wanted to restore, I would pay for anything he needed if he did the work. My dad did the same thing when I was a teenager and it was a great life lesson and I still have that car to this day. He normally just calls me by my name or a nickname made up by my wife, his mom, or the kids.
Today, he came to the shop to do some work while I was out there working on something else. Then I hear “Hey dad..I mean {my name}, can you hand me a rag?” That was when I knew this kid needed to know. I mean, he’s almost a grown adult. He can handle it.
I told him I needed to tell him something. So we sat down at the table in there and I just flat out told him “{wife} and I are your birth parents.” He looked confused because his mom has said she gave birth to him so he would never think anything was up.
He had lots of questions and I answered them as honestly as I could. He left after and asked his mom about it, who then called my wife to tell her that I told him everything.
I knew I should start digging my own grave in the backyard when she put her phone down with no words and just stared at me. She was livid I didn’t ask anyone before I told him.
It was selfish, but it had to be done. I couldn’t hold it in anymore.
Reddit was quick to provide their opinions.
I don’t understand why so many people think the best choice is to completely blindside a teen or young adult with such news rather than just provide them with information in an age-appropriate way throughout their childhood and adolescence. Like, this never needed to be an earth-shattering moment for this kid.
It’s selfish that you made the decision alone, since you sort of just made your own opportunity.
And that selfishness is not entirely excused with the delay since you ceded the role and gave that to his parents. If this one off observation was enough for you to decide he’s ready, then that same judgment could’ve been used to push the conversation with the parents and you guys, where the parents ultimately get to decide.
Good for your ego that you expressed the truth. You can’t pretend that it’s right tho, because it wasn’t based on anything else except he almost called you dad. That’s a made up excuse.
It should have been a group thing. So you are wrong there, but poop man. Your sister And her ex did this kid wrong. I can understand not telling his uncle is his father, but keeping the fact that he was adopted from him? That's something that will rock him.
This guy is a selfish prick and an absolute sh*t. He f*cked up at 16 and made a life altering executive decision regarding someone else’s child. He had no f*cking right. And then he comes on Reddit to ask a bunch of 14-year olds to justify his unbelievable behavior.
If he were my husband I could never, ever forgive him for this. This is the ultimate “throw someone under the bus” move, I feel sick to my stomach for his wife.
A day later, the OP returned to answer more questions and to explain:
I f*cked up in many ways and felt terrible and like an AH for telling him. My sister wants to have dinner tonight with my wife and me to tell him the full story and to discuss what happens in the future. I’ll make an update post after.
To answer a lot of questions that were asked: after a little bit, my wife and sister thanked me for telling him. The day before that, my sister and her just had a conversation about telling him and neither could bring themselves to.
Yes, it was an AH move and selfish to do it without warning, but who knows how long they would wait to tell him. My wife and I never “abandoned” him at all. We’ve been in his life since he was born and for every major life step, helped with financial decisions like college, sports, and buying his first car, and helped in any way we could.
After their first open family dinner, the OP returned with the news:
Dinner went relatively well. My wife made delicious Parmesan chicken in case anyone was wondering. A lot of emotions and conversations we weren’t ready for.
The main things that came out of our conversation were that my sister will always be his mom since she raised him, we will support him with whatever decision he makes, and will always be his family.
He asked if he could call my wife and me his parents and we happily agreed. He lightened the mood by saying “so now you’re my duncle and she’s my mant. But not in a weird way haha”
So, today, we gained the older son we’ve always wanted and our kids gained the older brother they’ve needed. I couldn’t be happier with the decision I made last night.
Thank you everyone that was crazy supportive from Reddit and TikTok. It was crazy to see my story in a video when I was scrolling through TikTok.
Reddit responded to the update of this family reconciliation:
I don't think OPs sister ever had any intention of telling him since she told him she gave birth to him. I'm actually surprised this went so well, but I do love the Duncle and Mant.
Never really understood why people decide to lie to children their entire lives like that. I'm sure the kid would have been fine knowing that he was being raised by his uncle and aunt from the start.
Kids are far more adaptive and mentally tough than people think. Adults treat them like they are fragile mentally so they lie and manipulate and often that leads to bigger problems down the road.
Fortunately in this case, it looks like the son took it well and the family will be ok.
They lucked out so badly that the kid took it well. If I were in his shoes I’d feel betrayed by everyone around me— why didn’t they tell me? What else have they been lying about?
Hopefully things stay positive.