'AITA for taking in my 'problem cousin' and cancelling family events?' UPDATED 3X

"AITA for taking in my 'problem cousin' and cancelling family events?"

Me (M 30) and wife (F 27) own a sizable farm that is usually the nexus of family events. Five bedrooms, three bathrooms, 300 acres, and electrical hookups for 4 campers so the whole clan can come stay for extended visits in the summer. We built it that way deliberately.

My cousin Bill (M early 50s) has a daughter Alice (F18) from his first marriage. His first wife was an immigrant with no family in our country and no contact with any family in her home country. She passed away when Alice was 2 and Bill remarried Tanya (F early 50s) 6 months later. They have since had 3 kids (M14, M12, F8). Alice is a brat.

Everything in their house revolves around either 'The Boys' (their two oldest together) or 'Their Princess' (their daughter together) and Alice is left behind. She doesn't get to go on family trips, they wouldn't pay for extra-curricular stuff, she couldn't take elective classes that had extra fees etc. I'm not a smart man but I can recognize a kid that's hurting inside and being neglected.

She's like Mr. Hyde with them and Dr. Jekyll elsewhere. For the last four summers she's been coming to 'work' on my farm because her parents don't want her around over summer break. She turned 18 recently and leading up to her birthday her Dad was very adamant that she was being kicked out of the house when she turned 18 because 'It will teach her responsibility.'

We (wife, Alice and I) discussed it and early on her birthday we pulled up with my truck and packed her stuff up. We only packed things she purchased herself or things that were given to her by another person.

My boss got creative with our benefits provider so we can get Alice on my medical benefits until she finishes university (she starts in a few weeks) so she's able to go to therapy and she's able to get back into sports while still saving her money. This is where it all comes apart: Bill and Tanya are pissed that we took her in and refuse to come to family events.

Part of the family refuses to attend as well because I'm 'undermining Bill and Tanya, I'll understand when I have kids.' After they refused to attend events, a few others said that with gas being so expensive and not everyone attending they'd skip as well.

My answer of 'Okie dokie come if you want and don't if you don't' further upset people who thought I should have tried harder to get people to come so now we're down to about 1/4 of the family in attendance for events. My aunt suggested that we have Alice over on weekends and that she stays in a dorm during the week to smooth things over. I think that's dumb, but I'm dumb and stubborn.

My wife thinks it's dumb and she's really smart but also very much attached to the situation. Alice said she'd rather stay with us but would try the dorms to help make peace. AITA for not going with the dorm suggestion to keep the peace?

EDIT FOR INFO: I called Alice a 'Brat' and my original post was waaaaay past the character limit but in some of the stuff that got pared down I explained it more. Typical teenage acting out but cranked up. Slamming doors, screaming matches with her stepmom, swearing. Probably 3 or 4 big blowouts a week and sometimes over some pretty disproportionately small stuff.

I've watched her grow and the acting out definitely came after the exclusion from family stuff.

OP got a lot of responses from invested commenters.

dwotw wrote:

NTA. They mistreated her for years, kicked her out of the house and now they want to demand that you kick her out too. Horrible people and you shouldn't think twice about the dorm unless Alice actually wants that.

big_bob_c wrote:

NTA. You know for sure that Bill won't kick the younger ones out to 'teach them some responsibility.' I would tell your family members that they looked the other way while Bill neglected her for 16 years, they can damn well look the other way when you're NOT neglecting her. And for s#$ts and giggles, tell them Alice will inherit your place if you don't have kids.

AaeJay83 wrote:

NTA. Alice needs stability and to feel loved.

Blue-Being22 wrote:

Would it be weird to say that I love you and your wife?

I’m very glad you’re in the world to counteract the damage those numskulls have done to their child. I hope everything good comes to you, your wife, and Alice!

TrainingDearest wrote:

NTA. I would keep her with you for a few years so that she can experience a normal family and (hopefully) let go of some of the negative acting out behaviors - those won't be tolerated in dorm life and might make college hard for her.

At some point, she could transition to the dorms so that she can get those 'living on my own terms' experiences on her way to full independence. There is no need to 'keep the peace' with your relatives - their opinions don't matter one ounce compared with giving this child a decent home life.

After receiving lots of support, OP jumped on with two updates:

EDIT 2: Thank you everyone. Gonna keep on keeping on. Bit of a mini-update: I ripped the band-aid off with the ol' fam jam and told them that fewer mouths to feed isn't the punishment they thought it was, anyone else who was coming is still welcome and I'd have the extra cash from not feeding so many people to help the folks concerned about gas prices make it out if they so chose.

I'm in like, 4 different family group chats and they're all lighting up. I'm going to turn my phone on silent for a while and let the sparks fly. I'll check in on the post in a while and if anything noteworthy comes up and it's interesting I'll give you all an update in the future.

EDIT 3: Alrighty, here's the update on the situation and a little background info for some consistent topics in the comments. So, my family likes to gossip and they're damn efficient at it. If your truck breaks down with only you in it 5 miles from home word has reached every aunt and cousin before you're in your door. When I put the word out, it travelled fast.

This morning I've been called all the names in the book and some new ones so there may be a revised and updated edition of said book coming out. I've been told I'm a good guy, a bad guy, I'm stupid, I'm smart, I'm short-sighted, I'm thinking ahead. It's been neat.

Long story short, I've got about a dozen relatives telling me thanks and they'll buy me a pint next time they're out, and about triple that who never want to speak to me again so those are both significant victories. Now, nobody here really cares about me: We're all about Team Alice here. She's a redditor apparently and came across the post independently of me showing her.

There were tears (born of stress and relief I think) and she's going to be staying here with us until she's ready to start the next chapter of her life, whatever and whenever that might be. She's got classes picked (her college picks first-year classes for you for the most part so it was a couple electives) and is looking into the women's rec league for a hockey team when the season starts so she's all set on that front.

Regarding feeding everyone and paying for gas: Without going into details, I was very fortunate as a young man to be working very very hard at a job I was woefully underqualified for while a very wealthy person was on site. Basically, right place, right time and The Chief took me in and mentored me.

We have made a lot of money on a business venture together in addition to me working for him and since then I haven't exactly had F U money but enough that I was able to buy the property I live on outright and build my home here with my wife who also makes good money.

Family is important to both of us and neither of our sides of the family tree have much for money so we've done our best to make sure money isn't a barrier to getting together and seeing one another. Now, the big news: Tanya drove down to my house this morning.

Bill and I had some very loud, very angry words when he drove down last night after I chose the nuclear option in the family group chats so she actually waved a white flag from her car when she pulled up. I shooed the dogs and alpaca away and went out to talk to her, brought her out a muffin and we had a bit of a chat.

Allegedly, Bill was threatening to kick Alice out to 'scare her straight' and that they weren't actually going to kick her out and they were caught off guard when we showed up on the morning of her birthday. I told her that she was missing the point and that I'm not sure I could use small enough words or short enough sentences to explain it to her if she thought that was the only problem.

She cried, she peeled out of my driveway at mach 7 and it's been radio silent since which I'm currently enjoying. Thanks everyone for the support. I'm not really a reddit guy so I don't imagine I'll be back but for my brief stay here, you definitely don't live up to the negative reputation the rest of the internet has given your site. You're a good bunch, keep your sticks on the ice.

People were happy to hear more about how the situation played out. And now, a year later, OP posted another update:

So, about a year ago my (31M) cousin Alice (F19) moved in with my wife (F28) on her 18th birthday after being told she needed to move out on said birthday from her parents (Early/mid50s idc enough to do the math) house by said parents. I'm here with an update at her suggestion.

The Good: A year later she's a year into an Engineering degree, she's been playing lots of hockey, raised a couple of steers all on her own, and at her therapist's recommendation she's down to monthly sessions after a brief stop at bi-weekly after starting with weekly.

She's the same sweet kid but without the extra unneeded stress of being treated like an 'also ran' alongside her younger siblings.

The Bad: Her dad showed up about a month after my original post. There was a confrontation of sorts that ended with a peace bond being issued with restrictions on how Bill and Tanya could contact Alice, myself, my missus, or a couple other family members that got involved.

After the 6 months required by the peace bond, Tanya started getting back up to her old tricks but Bill seems to have smartened up a bit. The peace bond meant she has had limited contact with her siblings which has been tough.

The oldest (15M) started out pretty hostile but some of the other cousins filled him in on what was going on (I got blamed for his sudden shift in attitude because we've established that I am just the worst with jazz hands and everything).

The Silly: Gossipy family mellowed out when they realized that the literal gravy train wasn't going to stop at the station for them. Thanksgiving last year was 26 people compared to the 60+ that came the last year I threw it prior to COVID restrictions. Easter this year was back up to an even 40 so we're probably going to plateau a little short of the old numbers.

As for resolution, to the problem, Bill has been texting Alice every couple of days to check in. They've gone for coffee a few times after the peace bond expired. 'I'd go to his funeral but not his birthday party' were Alice's words when I asked her about where they're at. I'm hoping time can heal that wound but she's been really good at setting boundaries.

To quote one of the great warrior poets of our time, John Cougar Mellencamp, life goes on. I'll answer questions if it's allowed, otherwise, here's some closure guys.

People were so happy to hear about how things have progressed for OP, his wife, and Alice.

BryanZero wrote:

Well done sir, Alice needed someone to stick up for her and glad you haven't backed down!

DistributionDue511 wrote:

These are the stories that restore my faith in humanity! You are your wife are seriously good people, and should not have had to endure the criticism from the extended family.

As someone else pointed out on the other post, Bill & Tanya just didn't want their mistreatment of Alice to be exposed by her 'behaving' after being treated like an actual human being. Alice is going to triumph over this because of you. The world is a better place with you in it!

wcs4696 wrote:

'Brat' children like this need someone to believe in them and to give them a soft place to land until they can find their self-worth and self-love again. You have given Alice everything important, mainly love, stability, and support. You and your wife are good eggs.

paprikashi wrote:

I did not read this the first time around, but NTA in case the filters get me. She may have hit the garbage childhood reverse-lottery with her situation in so many ways, but I’m so f#$#ing happy that girl has you and your wife. And that you have the chief. I wish I were invited to the cookout too - best wishes, and thanks for making me feel this warm and fuzzy! I’m turning off the internet before it’s too late lmao.