Here's the story:
I (25F) gave birth to my twins (boy&girl) four years ago and another boy two years ago, my husband (26) and I moved out of his mother’s house before my second son was born, after months of me begging him to move.
My MIL and I have a rocky relationship, when I first started dating her son we had a good relationship, we would go out together with a few other relatives every month for a girls day out, it was fun and she was supportive of my relationship with her son.
When we got engaged her true colours started to show. She tried to take control of the wedding planning even though I had asked her multiple times not to, she ripped my wedding dress on purpose two weeks before the wedding (because she didn’t like the dress) and we had to reschedule the wedding since she didn’t want it on her cat’s birthday (which she had given away a year before and clearly didn’t like).
I didn’t say anything and throughout the entire wedding preparation, I was constantly berated by my MIL because my parents were paying for the large venue, she made me feel bad and eventually I decided to pay for the venue myself despite my parents and fiancé insisting they’d pay.
Fast forward a year, I’m pregnant with my twins and my MIL is hoping for a girl, no big deal right? Well two weeks ago MIL was over and was cooking with my daughter, I didn’t mind since my daughter was being supervised and my MIL is a good cook. But my son (twin) wanted to help cook, my MIL said that he wasn’t allowed to and that it was a ‘woman’s job’.
My son asked her what she meant and she said his job as a man was to work to provide for his family, and that his wife was meant to look after the kids. I was pissed and immediately took my twins upstairs.
I confronted my MIL and she said she was planning to teach my daughter her job as woman since she found out the gender of the twins. I was disgusted to say the least, if my daughter wants to be a housewife when she gets older that’s fine, but I don’t want her grandmother shoving into her head that she has to do that and it’s her job as a woman.
She told me over and over again that it’s my daughter’s job and that if I won’t do my job as a woman (which in her words is to ‘give birth and look after the children’), that she’ll make sure my daughter does.
She then told me that I’m a horrible parent/woman, that I didn’t deserve her son, that the only thing that I’ve done right is give birth to her grandchildren and that she’d have my husband divorce me and get full custody of the kids.
I kicked her out and told her never to come back again as she wasn’t welcomed. My husband is conflicted and told me we should of discussed me kicking MIL out when he came home from work.
'we had to reschedule the wedding since she didn’t want it on her cat’s birthday (which she had given away a year before and clearly didn’t like).' Wut
Also how is your husband conflicted about you kicking her put after she said that about you, let alone adding in her archaic comments regarding your daughter. Maybe DH needs to read some of these comments to jerk him back into reality.
You should have discussed kicking her out when he came home? Why? Did he want to help?
I feel bad for your son that just wanted to join in.
My husband came home and took the twins to pre-school, when he came back home I asked him if we could talk about what had happened. He said he believed what I said happened, he was very quiet throughout the whole conversation.
I told him I didn’t agree with her views and that I didn’t want her around any of the kids, I then proceeded to tell him pretty much everything she’s done. He asked me why I hadn’t told him sooner and I told him I wanted to avoid all the drama.
I asked him if he thought it was alright what she said (we talked about other things involving his mother as well), he shook his head. I then told him if he wanted to go talk to his mother about this, he could, but he shook his head again.
I was confused until he said, ‘I’ve already spoken to her’. He explained she wouldn’t change her views nor would she apologise to me, so he told her he no longer wanted to have contact with her.
I was relieved when he said that, he didn’t have a temper with me at all! But I still had to recommend anger management classes, he was kind of iffy about it, so before he could agree or disagree, I instead just recommended therapy (which was part of the plan), he agreed and he also agreed to marriage counselling.
His MIL did try to contact me a few minutes ago, but I blocked her number. I would like to thank everyone for the advice! My husband and I are working together to get back in a good place!
I'm glad your discussion went better than you thought it might, but I am sad for your dh as I'm sure it's difficult for him.
If he's willing to try therapy this is great, make sure that you find someone who both of you are comfortable with, his anger issues can be brought up there, maybe by asking for advice regarding dealing more effectively when in stressful or triggering situations. Make it about both of you improving your interpersonal communication skills and not letting anger in a situation make lashing out /anger the default setting.
Very good luck with NC and enjoy not having the jnmil's oar stirring things up to create disturbances in your marriage and family life
And stuckinnowhereville said:
Give him a huge hug. Make a nice night when the kids are in bed. Wine! Lots of wine. Expect him to get depressed or angry in the next few weeks which is normal as he processes it. Hold the line.