Mom bans daughter from Christmas for having affair with sister's husband. AITA? UPDATED
"AITA for uninviting my daughter to our Christmas gathering?"
Here's the original post:
I am a mother of 4 children. Two older sons and two younger daughters. All of them are adults and have moved out a long time ago. I have always been close with my daughter S, while P has always liked to have her own space. Which I don't mind, they're both beautiful talented young women that I thought I couldn't be more proud of.
We're having early Christmas this year. First week of December I was inviting everyone around for Christmas Dinner, gift giving and the lot. When I Phoned P yesterday to clarify a few things she mentioned that she and her husband would not be coming.
When I asked she said that they had separated for now as he had cheated. I said that it was surely better to spend time with family if this was the case and maybe she should come home for some time. She ummed and ahhd but then eventually she told me he had an affair with S and they had been seeing each other for the past 2 years.
I felt sick. For the past 6 months in our talks, S has alluded that she had been seeing someone and was typically girl-in-love. I uninvited S to the Christmas gathering and blocked her. I don't know if I'm able to deal with her before Christmas but this is family time and family can't hurt each other like that.
I'm at a loss in all honesty. P is now coming which is good because at this time she needs stability of people who love her imo. The problem is that S naturally thinks I'm in the wrong. It's none of my business and as her mother I can't block her and remove her from the family.
My sister thinks I shouldn't get involved in their personal lives which I think is Bs. My daughter needs us right now. But then she tells me "I have two daughters to think about". Which I think isn't true. S has forfeited that right atm.
Thankfully my husband is liaising with S atm but he is also in solidarity with me. So are we in the wrong for uninviting a daughter for Christmas?? AITA?
A small update: P's MIL found out. While me and her have only spoken a few times, she did dote on P and I know P got along well with her. I haven't spoken to her personally, but I know she phoned my daughter and was really supportive and crying.
Here's what top commenters had to say:
CheerilyTerrified said:
NTA. No, sleeping with her sister's husband is a really good reason to uninvite your daughter. This is a case where one has so massively wronged the other that staying neutral or "not taking sides" is taking a side.
I've seen a few of these that go the other way and want the betrayed sister to suck it up and put their hurt and feelings aside for the sake of the family, so good for you for not pulling that bulls$%!.
hoagiemama said:
NTA. Uninviting your daughter to one family event to support your other daughter who she violated is not wrong. You don’t say that you’re disowning S, just that P is currently your priority. If S has even a shred of reason this will make sense to her. She knows what she did is wrong.
arewethereyet24 said:
NTA. Your daughter made a horrible choice and will have to live with the consequences. If you invite her and act like nothing is wrong, your daughter who is getting divorced will feel terrible and will not want to come. She is the one who needs emotional support right now.
In the future you can think about how to continue having a relationship with your other daughter, but at a minimum not being invited to family events where she will make her sister uncomfortable seems like a solid natural consequence to her actions.
Do you agree with commenters that this mom made the right decision in uninviting her daughter from Christmas?
About a month later, the day after Christmas, the mom posted this update:
It's been rather uneventful, but I've been equally surrounded by warmth and love while also feeling heartbroken and lonely. My daughter Penny has been staying with us. She works from home. My husband and eldest went to get some more of her stuff from her old house. Pennys mother-in-law (Jane) was there and was very helpful and sweet. She also bought some mint hot chocolate for our penny and Christmas candles. I know they're her favourite.
From what penny has told me, Jane is having similar feelings to me. A lot of guilt over our children's decision to hurt people we love. I think at this point we have to accept that we did our best raising them, but they're adults now so we can't beat ourselves up.
Penny and Jane are going to stay in touch. I think Jane truly does think of penny as a daughter/friend 😊😊 Onto some more negative things. I wrote my letter to Sally during this time. I expressed that I was extremely disappointed and also disgusted.
While I will continue to have a relationship with her, she won't be welcome to any family gatherings with penny present unless penny has met a point in her life where she feels comfortable. I told her what some of you had said, that not taking a side would be a side and that she had for all intents and purposes, already uninvited herself when she was so cruel to her sister.
Sally had apparently come up on Friday and knocked on the door. I was out shopping at the time. My husband spoke to her. Apparently, Sally and Michael (my son-in-law) are going to continue their relationship. I will not support it in any way or form. She may be my daughter but that man is not welcome.
I am supporting penny through the divorce, and if Sally ever expects money for the wedding or a house then she's a very naïve girl. My husband sent her away, after which Sally said we'd have to get over it someday. Otherwise, the Christmas gathering was lovely. My hip hurts from the cooking 😭 but husband and penny did the cleaning up so who's the real winner?