Mom asks if she's wrong to go to ex-DIL's wedding; her cheating son is furious. Updated!
'AITA for going to my ex-DIL's wedding?'
I (56F) have two children. Bob (30M) and Alice (27F). This is about Bob. He used to be married to my daughter in law Ruth (28F). That is until 5 years ago Ruth discovered that bob was cheating on her while she was pregnant with my granddaughter. I was really disappointed in my son.
I taught him to be better than this. I am a single mom. My husband died years ago and I have remarried only after my kids were in their late teens. I know for sure my late husband wouldn't approve of Bob's cheating. So, long story short, Bob, Ruth and I had a fight. I told him I was very disappointed at him. How could he do this to his own wife?
Bob yelled at me and said that I am his mother not Ruth's so I should be taking his side. I said no. I will not support his infidelity under any circumstances. My daughter also thinks that her brother is wrong but she is neutral about it. Bob was mad and left the house. I only saw him at the divorce hearings. I left him messages that if he wants to talk I would be open to talk. But he didn't respond to my messages.
Ruth was an orphan. She didn't have anyone else so she saw me as her mother. Even after the divorce she would visit me and bring me some gifts like flowers or cookies. I never stopped her. Ruth also never stopped calling me mom even after her divorce. I also loved spending time with her and my granddaughter.
About 3 years ago, I set up Ruth with my friend Patty's son, John. Patty and I have been close friends since childhood. She knew Ruth really well and loved her too. It was Patty's idea to set her son up with my DIL. Ruth and John totally hit it off. John was also a good father figure to her daughter. Recently, John and Ruth got married.
Ruth wanted me to be there to walk her down the aisle. She told me she walked down the aisle alone when she was married to my son. But now she wants me to walk her down. I was happy for it. So, I said yes. The news reached to my son. He called me to again yell at me that what I am doing is wrong. I shouldn't be talking to Ruth because she and him are divorced. He forbade me to go.
I told him he was being irrational. Even if he is divorced that doesn't mean I have to cut off Ruth. I reminded him that it was his poor choice that led him to this. I didn't listen to my son and went to the wedding anyways. My son got the news and was pissed. He kept cursing me that I am a deadbeat mom who left her own son for a 'wh0re'.
He called me a hypocrite that I didn't go to his wedding (he married his mistress) but was gallivanting at Ruth's wedding. My husband is with me but he says my son has a point. But my daughter says otherwise. Was I wrong to go at her wedding?
Here's what people had to say to the original post:
dovechocolatebar writes'
Your son ruined your granddaughter's family because he wanted to mess around. He no longer has any leg to stand on for anything. I’m really glad you see the situation for what it is, and that you and Ruth have each other. NTA
ThrowRAdaughterIL OP responded:
As a mother it was a hard choice for me. I tried to be there for him. But his mistress was not a good person. She was a mutual friend of Ruth and my son. She knew that he was married still she pursued him. To me that's not a quality woman. My soul couldn't just bring me to forget the fact that he was so cruel to Ruth when she was vulnerable
Why_Is_Toby_In_Jail writes:
NTA, I can understand how not picking your child's side would make you feel like you did the wrong thing. Your son sounds like a spoiled brat who is missing out on his child's life. Be there for your granddaughter and her mother :) also put some distance between you and your son until he stops verbally abusing you.
Update from OP four days later:
First of all thank you for your comments. Although I got some hate comments calling me a bad mom and a failure, it was nice to see people supported me. It gave strength to know I am was not making a bad decision. So now onto the update.
My son emailed me and said he wants to talk to me. I thought I should have a long conversation with him. But I made some ground rules. He is not allowed to criticize or call anyone any names like the last time and will be civil when I am talking. He agreed. He came to my house yesterday during noon.
My husband was off to work and my daughter was in her room. He sat down and there were moments of awkward silence. He asked me how I was and we had small talk. I asked him about his wife and that's when he started to cry. Not ugly crying, just few tears. I can tell he is not doing well.
I sat beside him and told him he can tell me. He tells me everything. He tells me that he is sorry for how he reacted. He understands why I might be ashamed of him.
He later tells me his marriage is not going well. That his wife is no way near as good as Ruth was. Ruth took care all of his needs and loved him. Yet he treated Ruth like trash. He is constantly fighting with his new wife. He knew he f***ed up a lot. He learned that the last time he visited his daughter and she kept referring John as her dad.
Bob tried to make her say the word dad and she screamed at him by saying 'you are not my dad.' He saw how much happy Ruth was with another man and he realized what he has lost. I asked him, 'Would you have missed Ruth if your wife did those same things for you like Ruth did?' He was silent.
I further told him it seems to me that he only kept Ruth in his life because he used her to fulfill his needs. I explained to him about my relationship with his father. We were with each other not because I fulfilled his needs. We were with each other because we loved each other. And that loved didn't stop when one person was at the most vulnerable and weak.
But he (my son) left Ruth when she was vulnerable and needed him the most. His needs were fulfilled when Ruth was just a housewife working a small job. But as soon as she has no need he discarded her. It really hit him hard as he was sobbing. He said that he knows he was a sh!tty person. But he was manipulated by that b**ch (he said that about his wife).
To be honest, I lost my cool and yelled, he should stop blaming other people for his mistake. It was his decision to cheat, it was his decision to leave Ruth, it was his decision to abandon his daughter. He cannot run away from his responsibilities and wonder why nobody is taking his side.
Moreover, he hasn't learned anything from his mistakes because he is still calling his wife vile names. This is the same girl she claimed is better than Ruth. He had a choice not to cheat. He could have pushed her away when she tried to seduce him but he didn't because in his mind he made this fantasy that Ruth doesn't care about him because all she ever wanted was to complete her education.
I raised him better than this. He is not just insulting my upbringing he is also insulting his own father. And he will only see suffering in his life unless he takes full accountability of his actions. He told me he knows I was disappointed in him and he wants to make things right.
He is trapped in a bad marriage because God is punishing him for how he treated his daughter and ex-wife. I told him if he wants to be a good man he should start by apologizing to Ruth and become cordial with his daughter. I also gave him a reality check that his daughter already sees John as her dad. So, I have doubts she would start calling him dad anytime soon but he should at least try.
I told him to apologize to his sister as well. If he is really miserable in his marriage he should get a divorce or try counseling. Whatever decision he makes, I will support him. But that does not mean I will forgive his wife because she has also did Ruth wrong. Unless she makes an apology to Ruth, I don't think I can see her as a decent person.
Lastly, I told him that even though I am very much disappointed in him, I still love him. I will always guide him to what is right. He will always be my son. But this is his chance to be a better man. I believe in second chances. This time I hope he cleans up his act. I am proud of him that he acknowledges his wrongdoings.
Here's what people had to say after the update:
GroovyYaYa says:
OP... do your son a favor. Get some therapy recommendations for him and hand him the list. On things like this? One doesn't just 'clean up his act'. That is vague and doesn't tell him how to do it. We need to do with the 'pull yourself up by the bootstraps' mentality when it comes to stuff like this.
If he wants to do the work to improve his relationship with his daughter (she can have two dads, frankly speaking) he has to work on himself.
ThrowRAdaughterIL OP responded:
I told him he should get therapy. If he needs money for that I will give it to him. But he does need therapy. But about his daughter. I still have hope. Bob said he has tried to be there for his daughter but his daughter still wants John as her dad. He has to start with baby steps. He can arrange the custody with Ruth or simply make full use of his visitations.
aspermyprevious writes:
You’re a good mom and person. Sometimes it’s impossible to out-parent patriarchal entitlement. My husband is a wonderful, supportive, loving guy who takes on 50% of the mental load and doesn’t think he’s a hero for doing so. His brother is divorced with 2 little ones and just…sucks. No cheating but definitely a similar mindset of only valuing women for how they’re supporting him. Same parents. 🤷♀️
Puzzled_Juice_3406 writes:
OP I want to commend YOU for handling this to the best of your abilities. It's so very hard to have those talks with the ones we love. To give them a reality check and dislike the decisions they are making but still love and support them.
Yours is one of the best kinds of love, holding him accountable and letting him know you're disappointed but still love and support him. I hope he truly does take accountability for himself moving forward.
dovechocolatebar writes:
It’s always comical to me when cheaters end up crying because they miss how great their family was. Yeah no f***ing s**t
Update from OP one month later:
Hello folks, thanks for showing me a lot of love and support. I am really overwhelmed with it. It has been a month since my last post.
Ruth and John are doing fine. She announced that they are expecting a child together and Ruth asked me to be the godmother. I am really overwhelmed and happy for them. Though I still don't know whether I should be her kid's godmother or not.
Now onto my son. He has decided to separate from his wife. I guess his marriage has problems and he is trying to sort it out on his own. He is in therapy. I support him in his journey. Things between my granddaughter and him are still a bit sour but I am helping as a middle man.
He talked to Ruth about change in custody but she said no because given how he has treated her in past couple of years, she doesn't trust him. I know Bob is sad. But I assured him he shouldn't give up now. He should still fulfill his duty as a dad. He meets my granddaughter at my house.
Right now they are playing snakes and ladders in my living room. My son has been really trying to be a better version of himself. And I support that. I hope in future things will improve for him.
Thank you so much for helping a mother out here. I know if I ever have any issues I cannot solve, I can always count on the kind people of reddit.
Here's what people had to say after the final update:
OhNoNotAgain1532 writes:
Thank you for the update. I hope your family (including your chosen family) heals.
Conscious-Arm-7889 asks:
Info: how did your son react to Ruth being pregnant?
ThrowRAdaughterIL OP responded:
He told me he is happy for her and he still feels guilty for how he has treated her. I can see he still has feelings for her
Prudence_rigby writes:
I am so happy things are working out for you and Ruth. Hopefully, your son continues to do the work and becomes a better person and father.
ThrowRAdaughterIL OP responded:
I think I undersold my son. Sure he did bad things but I do not think he is a bad person. I know him. If he puts his mind on something he does it. I still love him as my son and hope for his well being.
ImThatMelanin writes:
you, ma’am, deserve a beautiful life. i hope everything goes well, i know your late husband would be so f***ing proud of you. your current husband as well, he sounds very kind and understanding.
oh, and…you are NOT a failure. not by any means. you did right by your son, you’re still doing right by your son by holding him accountable. remember — he is still his own person. though you are his mom and you’ve passed the torch, what he does with it falls on him.