AITA for telling my daughter I will not be walking her down the aisle unless she invites her siblings and their families to her wedding?

I (56m) have 5 children. This is about 3 of them Casey (26f), Alex (31nb) and Tom (34m). The names are not their true names.

My daughter Casey is getting married this winter to her fiance Max (27m), who she has been together with for about 4 years.

I am covering the majority of the wedding expenses as Max's family lives in a different country and with the currency exchange rate they won't be able to afford the wedding and both to come to the wedding. I have no issues with it and just want my little girl to be happy.

Last week while Casey was away, my children Alex and Tom came to visit with their families and we were talking about wedding invitations.

I was surprised to hear that they haven't received their wedding invitations, so I just thought that Casey haven't sent them out yet for everyone, until my oldest and youngest daughter's pointed out they have received their invitations with their kids and partners invited.

I called my sister who also said Casey has invited their whole family to the wedding too and she received hers a while back, so I immediately saw red. Both Alex and Tom have husbands and have children (adopted) and it seemed Casey has excluded them because of their choices.

It also seemed weird since Casey has always been close to them and supported them when they came out as non binary and gay respectively.

I have called Casey and demanded an explanation. My daughter said that Max and his family don't feel comfortable with couples that are not traditional and it goes against their culture and that she hopes for my understanding.

I have told her if that's the case I will not be walking her down the aisle and pull out from paying for her wedding, as she cannot exclude her family like this when they did nothing wrong and if her future in laws opinion is so important to her, they can pay for the wedding.

As a result Casey has called me an a*&hole and hung up crying. My children are on my side, my wife is torn as she understands where Casey comes from but agrees she shouldn't have excluded her siblings like this.

Edit: just want to add something about my wife. When I said she is torn and gets where Casey is coming from, it doesn't mean that she supports Casey's decision to exclude her siblings.

She doesn't approve it in the slightest, however as a mother of our children she feels she should be there for all her children if they need her or want to talk, even if she doesn't agree with their choices.

She is still deeply hurt by what Casey has said as she absolutely adores Alex's and Tom's husband's and their children.

Here were the top comments and reactions:

Crockofpot:

NTA. Casey can be bigoted on her own dime. I would never put my money into an event that discriminated against two of my kids like this. I also think it's pretty scummy that she didn't even have the guts to tell Alex and Tom they were being excluded.

OP responded:

I was confused when they told me about receiving no invitation. Both of them live in the same neighborhood just a couple of houses away from each other so they thought it is just the postman who lost the invitations or the depot.

Krankykitty:

NTA. It wouldn’t just be the wedding. If the in-laws are this “uncomfortable,” then Alex and Tom would be excluded from every family event Casey hosts. Holidays, if she wants to host a holiday.

All birthday parties, if she has kids. Any and all other events surrounding any kids they might have — sports, graduations, ballet recitals. If Casey gives into this demand, she is effectively cutting off her own brothers. It won’t be every event, as the in-laws live in another country, but it will be at least some of them.

Why not invite everyone, inform everyone of who is coming, and let the “uncomfortable” ones stay home?

It goes against your culture to exclude family members from family events. Casey and her fiancé have to make some tough decisions here.

Wingardiumis:

NTA and convince your confused wife to support you in your decision. Do not forgive her, how dare she exclude her own family from the wedding in favour of the laws?

OP responded:

I struggle to understand why she did it and why she thought Max and his family are more important then her own as she was the one who helped her siblings to come out and helped them to explain this all to me better. I'm not gonna lie I was very oblivious of the signs and it seemed the entire family knew but me.

Zanderbean:

Ask Casey why she would think the wedding should accommodate their family and not yours? Especially considering you’re paying for it.

Allie06nd:

I was fully prepared to deliver a Y T A based on the title, but the reason they're not invited is heartbreaking and terrible. You should not foot the bill for a party that celebrates a union of your family and Max's if they don't accept your entire family.

You're right that if they think they're entitled to dictate which members of Casey's family are allowed to attend, they're the ones who should pay for it. Also, how terrible that Casey feels pressured to make a 'good impression' on them when they obviously don't feel the need to extend the same courtesy in return.

Good for you for standing up for your kids and their families. They're lucky to have a father who supports them and advocates for them. NTA all the way.

Suchredditmuchvotes:

NTA. She's being bigoted and hateful to your other children, so she can pay for her own wedding.

Stopstealingcats:

NTA...I wouldn't go, if it was my daughter excluding family based on that shit