Mom wants to skip stepson's wedding; says, 'he hates me, it breaks my heart.' AITA?

"AITA for deciding to skip my stepson's wedding and stay home with my children?"

I have been married to my husband for 25 years. He has two children from his first marriage. Kai who is 28, and Mia is 27. My husband's first marriage ended during the pregnancy with Mia when his ex moved another man into their home.

She told my husband to leave and she was planning to marry the other guy. A DNA test was done when Mia was born, and another was done on Kai later, custody was decided and the divorce was finalized when Mia was still a baby (they are both OP's husband's kids). I met him 6 months later and we married after a year together.

My husband's ex made our lives hell. She alienated the kids from me. We were in and out of court, therapy, they were always placed in mediation and co-parenting classes to try and get them to a better place. Nothing helped. Her second husband left and that only made her worse. Then she married again but that also ended.

My relationship with my stepkids breaks my heart. I love them. I have always tried to be a respectful and loving stepparent who doesn't talk bad about their mom, overstep my place or assume they would love me the same as their parents.

But I hoped we would be close. They have been rude or distant and cold. But I loved them regardless and my husband took the lead with them. When my husband and I had our own two children together they did not bond with them but we still hoped time and therapy would help some kind of relationship form.

Now my stepson is due to get married. He told my husband our kids were not invited since it was a child free wedding. But then he told me what I could not wear (because the two mothers were going to match the theme and I am not counted in that), that I would not be given a corsage to wear so people would know I was not one of the parents.

He said I would not be mentioned in any of the toasts. I was not welcome to give a toast. That the photos with the parents and immediate family would not include me, and after my husband asked him why he was making such a big deal out of this he said I needed to know my place and then admitted he didn't even want me there.

So I made the decision not to attend and instead stay home with my children. I have reached a breaking point where I just no longer see a future where we might get along better and clearly I am not wanted at all. But my husband's family are furious and say I was invited so I should go. AITA?

From the comments:

Historical_Agent9426 writes:

If he does not want you there, you are literally giving him exactly what he wants. Why would your husband’s family have a problem with that?

AnRiceRun OP responded:

Because as his stepmother from childhood they feel like I should be there. They also believe I am giving in too easily.

HereForTheJokes-13 writes:

Ah, but she isn't. He wants her there so he can show the world how much he despises her. By not going, OP is ruining all of his well planned revenge. OP, I wouldn't go either.

No-Elderberry2072 writes:

And, I am sorry you are having to deal with this. I hope you and your husband are able to get through these situations without damage to your relationship. It puts both of you in an impossible situation.

lovesbooksdocs writes:

The planned humiliation is just cruel. Don't give him the satisfaction. After so many years if he says things like showing you your place when you have done nothing wrong it's best to show him that he doesn't have a place in your life as well. NTA.

Inner-Bumblebee2166 writes:

NTA. I can understand why you don't want to go, but if you are strong enough, go. Be kind, be gracious, and have fun. Smile and dance with your husband so they can see the love between the two of you.

It just might make them think about how they have treated you and considering the mother's many failed relationships, see that you might just have some merit. You will be the better person, either way. Also, I have to wonder why they don't want you there. What are they afraid of? Makes me suspish.

AnRiceRun OP responded:

It's because they hate me. Their mother's hate for me, she passed onto them. And she did a good job of it.

Inner-Bumblebee2166 writes:

I understand that, but why? Jealousy? Was she hoping he would crawl back and he didn't so she turned her kids against you? People don't hate for no reason and as a mother myself, I would want my children to be happy and get along with a step-parent because that is what's best for them.

Either choice you make will be ok, but I think you should stand your ground, right next to your husband the entire time. Good luck to you.

AnRiceRun OP responded:

I can't answer that. But I think it comes down to her kids and not wanting to share them. I could be wrong.

TechnicianPerfect1 writes:

NTA. I am sure this is going to come back and bite him although I know you don’t want it to bcuz you sound cool OP. And I’m sorry about your stepson.

AnRiceRun OP responded:

I still want the best for Kai and Mia. I still love them. But it's time for me to bow out now.