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Mom tells daughter she needs to move out before getting engaged to GF, 'learn how to live.'

Mom tells daughter she needs to move out before getting engaged to GF, 'learn how to live.'


Serving up uncomfortable truths is a cornerstone of parenting, but that doesn't make it any easier.

In a popular post on the AITA subreddit, a mom asked if she was wrong for telling her daughter she needs to move out before getting engaged. She wrote:

"AITA for telling my daughter she needs to move out before getting engaged?"

Leah is 20 and is currently working part-time while attending community college part-time. She contributes a small percentage of her income (less than 20%) to help with rent/utilities/household expenses and the rest is hers to save/spend. She doesn't have a car and doesn't pay for any other expenses (insurance, etc) as those are all covered.

She's been dating her girlfriend Sophie for almost two years now and they're serious about each other. They're long-ish distance (about an hour away from each other) and only see each other once a month or so. Sophie lives with her family still as well, only she doesn't pay for household expenses and isn't responsible for any chores.

Recently they seem to be getting really hype on talking/fantasizing about getting married and picking out engagement rings etc. Last night Leah was telling me all these plans. "Sophie is going to get me a sapphire engagement ring when she proposes" "I think I'm going to wear (x)."

I was like "It all sounds really nice hon, but I hope you're keeping your priorities in line. If you're grown enough to put a ring on your finger, you're grown enough to move out and support yourself." Leah wasn't happy to hear that and said they can move in together when they get married, and being engaged wouldn't really make any difference so why should she have to move out right away if they get engaged.

I told her that personally, I don't believe in marrying someone you've never lived with. I think it's terrifically short-sighted, especially because Sophie is 21 and her mom still does everything for her. But also because neither of them truly understand the responsibilities and pressures of supporting themselves. Especially in the current economy.

I don't think there's anything wrong with having these fantasies and dreams with a partner, and I emphasized that. My intention was to caution her against getting swept away in it/prioritizing it above other milestones that would help her survive independently. She told her aunt (my sister) about the conversation later and her aunt called me and chewed me out for spitting on a harmless romantic fantasy.

I said if it's really that harmless, she shouldn't be bothered by the idea of having to wait. AITA?

Redditors shared all of their thoughts.

brendamrl wrote:

NTA. You didn’t deliver it in the best way possible but I understand and agree with your concern.

hornsupguys wrote:

NTA. It’s not your right to tell your daughter she can’t get married, but it’s also not your daughter’s right to live in your home. To me, it sounds like they are living in a dreamland where they want to be married, but don’t realize what that will actually entail.

Neither of them has ever lived independently from their parents, and they haven’t lived together. It sounds like a disaster to have them live together and without parents. Good job putting your foot down, now they will have to figure things out away from your house.

desertboots wrote:

NTA. I went from home to college to marriage (25 years). I had no freaking idea how to be just me with all the attendant adulting responsibilities and accountability. 10 years post-divorce and I'm barely there. Codependency is NOT GOOD!

GnomieOk4136 wrote:

NAH. Mind you, I grew up in a super fundamentalist area, so being engaged while living at home doesn't seem odd to me. I do think you are right that living with someone is the best way to really know them. I also see why your 20-year-old with limited life experience doesn't know that.

OP is NTA here, even though her message wasn't a popular one.

Sources: Reddit
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