'My brother demanded I break up with my fiancé; then he proposed to her.' UPDATED
"My brother proposed to my fiancé (his ex) and I’m pissed."
My (28M) brother, Mark (26M), used to date my fiancé, Jenn (26F) a year ago. For context, they dated back in August 2022. They were only together for a month before he broke things off with her because he was bored of being in a relationship and never really wanted to settle down anyway.
At the time they were dating I was in a different state so I had no idea he even had a girlfriend and I had no idea who Jenn was until I met her.
Jenn and I met at a bar when I moved back in October and hit it off really well. She was easily the most beautiful and intelligent woman I ever met and we met up a few times more before we made it official.
Fast forward to December and I finally bring her up to my family and propose them meeting her at Christmas. They knew I was in a relationship, but I’m not the most open about my personal life so I kept details about her to a minimum until I knew how serious we really were.
My parents asked to see pictures and they started passing my phone around the dinner table. Mark saw it and blew up calling me a s%$t brother for dating his ex girlfriend and he demanded I break it off with her. I refused. When I asked Jenn about it, she confirmed they dated and gave me the details about their breakup.
It took a few weeks but eventually Mark stopped bringing up me dating his ex and I thought he was over it. On Jenn’s birthday this year, I took her out to a fancy dinner with both of our families and her closest friends and I asked her to marry me. Mark flipped once again and blew up about me proposing to her, which I and my sisters immediately shut down.
The incident happened this past weekend. Mark had been pretty quiet about the whole thing for the last two months. I didn’t see him much and figured he went Low contact with me which I had no problem with, then he invited me and Jenn for family dinner at his apartment with my parents and sisters.
I thought it was weird but my parents and sisters were also going so we agreed to go. The dinner was nice, nothing too fancy, and we moved to the living room to talk. About 30 minutes into normal conversation Mark stood up and told us he had an announcement.
He made a long speech about being happy to have his family around for his big moment then got on one knee and pulled out this cheap ring while asking Jenn to marry him. Jenn was confused and obviously uncomfortable and demanded that he put it away and stand up.
My dad tried to make a grab for Mark but I got to him first and [deleted] him. I won’t repeat most of it, mostly because I was too angry to even listen most of it, but he said something along the lines of wanting to show me that Jenn wasn’t really into me and just wanted to get back at him.
Before it could get worse my parents rushed me out and promised to talk to him. It’s been a few days since it happened and I’m still pissed off. I don’t know what to do at this point. I’m scared Jenn might have second thoughts marrying me because of this. Any advice?
Here's what people had to say to OP after the first post:
rosenwaiver says:
I think it’s clear that your brother doesn’t even like nor want Jenn. He doesn’t even see her as human. He sees her as an object, a toy that he didn’t want, but seeing someone else with it makes him go “NO. Mine.” like a f%$#*ng child. So he’s acting out and trying to drive a wedge between y’all in order to get his way.
If he liked her, he would care about how she feels. If he liked her, he’d want her to be happy. He doesn’t like her. So forget the tantrum he’s trying to pull and block him. No need to entertain that s%$t.
Puzzleheaded-Gas1710 writes:
I think he's moved on... they dated a month, and he broke up with her. He doesn't see her as a person, but he puts down the toy he doesn't want, and now someone else is touching it, so he is having a tantrum.
lonewolf369963 writes:
Block your Brother out of your life for good, that's the only way you and your fiance will be able to live peacefully. Don't listen to "he's family" BS if anyone tries to give it to you.
BornWithoutANameOhNo asks:
Does your brother have any mental illness if any sort? Paranoid schizophrenia/BIPD/narcissistic personality disorder/etc.?
Equivalent_Ladder197 OP responded:
No, he was just an a$$ growing up he was mildly arrogant and entitled since he was spoiled by my parents, but i thought he grew out of it since he was more on the quiet and reserved side in high school
Iamjustachair asks:
At the beginning of the post you say: "They were only together for a month before he broke things off with her because he was bored of being in a relationship and never really wanted to settle down anyway".
How do you know this was his attitude of her when you say you didn't know he had a girlfriend as well as you didn't/don't really talk to him?
Equivalent_Ladder197 OP responded:
It came from Jenn when I asked if they really dated. I’m going to talk to Mark and ask him why they broke up since I never asked for his side
Edit from OP same post, later that day:
First, thanks for reading and responding. I’ve been reading the comments between last night and this morning and valid points were made. There isn’t an update since the only people I’ve spoken to since that dinner is jenn and my little sister. I want to clarify a few things that i saw in the comments
1. Jenn and I are newly engaged. It was one of those feelings where we both knew we were in it for the long run. As fast as it is, i’m sure about her.
2. When we met, I was the one who approached her, not the other way around. Whether she knew or had suspicions of us being related I don’t know. I asked after finding out they dated and she says she had no idea. I didn’t have a reason to doubt that, but I can admit this (seemingly) overreaction on Marks part does raise red flags
3. I had no idea she and Mark dated when I met her. Mark and I aren’t close at all. We used to be but as we grew up we drifted and talked less and less. Before I moved back, we didn’t really speak much aside from special days like his or my birthday.
Jenn knew of my family but not much until I decided I was ready to introduce them to her. When she and Mark met (again) I didn’t get a sense of any residual feelings on either part. She didn’t treat him like a stranger but she also wasn’t overly affectionate with him either
4. I was told this was a relationship that lasted a month. I didn’t think I needed permission from Mark to ask her to marry me, but maybe that was wrong of me. I’m not sure
That being said, I plan to talk to Mark this weekend to lay everything out on the table and figure out what’s up. I never asked for his side of their relationship, which is my fault for not doing my due diligence. If anything major or enlightening happens, I’ll update. But for now that’s all I have.
Update from OP 2 days later:
First I want to thank everyone for reading. It’s been a busy weekend so I haven’t had the chance to reply to many people, but I did edit in responses to the most common questions I saw in the comments of the original post. Again, thank you. I appreciate it all, even the criticisms.
Now for the update: I called Mark and asked him to meet up with me at my place to talk. I told him I would prefer Jenn to be around for the talk as well, but I was cool with it if he didn’t want her there. He agreed to talk to both of us and showed up at my place around noon today.
It was pretty quiet for a few minutes before I started the conversation. I apologized for not warning him I would be proposing to Jenn, and I apologized for hitting him. He said it was “whatever” but he appreciated the apology. I told him what Jenn had said about the relationship and breakup when I asked her about it and I asked him to confirm if it was true.
I pretty much said that his reaction throughout the is whole thing has been extreme and I wanted to make sure I wasn’t misunderstanding their relationship or downplaying how serious they were.
He confirmed that they only dated for “a few weeks” and he broke up with her because he lost interest. Jenn asked if he was acting like this because he still had feelings or regrets about ending things with her. He said he could admit he thought she was more attractive than when he last saw her, but there weren’t any feelings or regrets.
He said he just didn’t like seeing a girl he dated, even if it was short term, with his older brother and as a man I shouldn’t have violated him by pursuing things with his ex. I reminded him that I had no idea they dated so it wasn’t like I consciously did this knowing their history together. He shrugged me off and said it didn’t matter, I still should have broken it off.
He was adamant that if the roles were reversed he would have done the same thing which I doubt.
I asked him why he proposed to her if he didn’t have any lingering feelings. Basically, to sum it up, he was talking about it to one of his buddies who was around when Mark and Jenn dated and the guy put the idea in his head that maybe Jenn knew from the start that we were related and was doing this to get back at him considering Jenn had been hung up on him after they ended.
He and his friend thought it would be a good idea to test it and see if they were right, so he came up with the idea to propose and see if she dumped me for him.
Jenn asked him to elaborate on why he thought she was hung up on him and he told her that he heard she was asking about him following the breakup and still hanging out at the places they used to go to so it was a valid assumption. Then for her to pop up randomly with his brother affirmed his suspicions.
Jenn told him she’d only asked about him once following the breakup and she’d been hanging out at those places with friends before they started dating and she wouldn’t avoid them because of a breakup.
She also told him she was offended at the idea that she would go as low as to pursue me, just to get back at him. He shrugged and gave her a half assed apology but said she had to see it from his point of view.
He asked her if she really didn’t know and she told him that she didn’t see the resemblance in us until we were in the same room and we act nothing alike so it never crossed her mind and he said okay. That pretty much wrapped up the conversation.
He did tell me before he left that I could take back his invite to the wedding because he can’t bring himself to support our relationship knowing he used to date her. I told him he didn’t have to worry about that as he was most likely going to be uninvited anyway.
It’s been a few hours since our talk and I do feel better. My parents aren’t too happy about him being uninvited but they understood that it was a mutual decision and probably for the best.
My sisters told me they knew he didn’t have a good reason for being an asshole and they don’t blame me for not wanting him at the wedding. As of now, I’m going to limit contact with Mark and I doubt he’ll reach out to me any time soon either.
Once again, I want to thank everyone for reading and commenting and if anything significant happens, I’ll update again.
Here's what people has to say to OP after the update:
Fluffy_Vacation1332 writes:
I can’t get over the fact that he only dated her for a few weeks, doesn’t tell you at all, and then still expects you to break up with someone that he apparently was not interested in at all.
He has some sh#$@y friends, the fact that he doubled down tells me he’s looking at your wife more as property or used goods rather than a human being.. not to mention the disrespect on a personal level to assume that you’re not deserving of happiness if he’s already been with that person.
He has a really s%$#ty mindset. That’s likely going to paint a very bad picture in the future of him.
trvllvr writes:
Glad you got some closure and truth on his actions. I hope you and Jenn have a great wedding and marriage! For anyone who says you moved too fast, sometimes you just know. I got engaged 5 mos into dating and married 9 mos later (14 mos total). Been married 21 years this week!
Equivalent_Ladder197 OP responded:
Hey thanks! Happy Anniversary also, 21 years is awesome!