'My dad gave me an ultimatum: break up with my BF or leave the house.'

"My dad gave me an ultimatum: break up with my boyfriend or leave the house."

I’m 24F and I’ve been seeing my boyfriend (27M) for almost six months. We met on Hinge last October and honestly I did not expect anything serious at first. If you have used dating apps you probably know how it usually goes. You talk for a bit, maybe go on a date, and half the time the conversation feels kind of flat or it just fades out. But with him it didn’t feel like that.

Our first date was going to a hike at a cool spot, but we ended up talking and hanging out for hours. We walked around the whole afternoon just laughing and talking and completely lost track of time. I remember going home afterwards smiling for no reason.

Since then things between us have felt really natural. We can talk about serious things like our families, goals, and childhoods, and talk for hours without getting bored of each other’s presence. Over time he has become someone I look forward to calling, whether it is to tell him about something big or small or just to see him and see his handsome smile.

I’m someone who usually keeps my guard up in relationships and it normally takes me a long time to feel comfortable around people, but with him it felt easy really quickly. I can show up in sweats with messy hair after a long day and he still looks at me like I’m beautiful.

Emotionally I feel like I can actually be myself around him and not feel judged. He is also really supportive of me and always encourages me to keep studying and go after bigger goals. Being around him honestly makes me want to grow and do better.

After about four months I remember the night we told each other we loved each other. We were talking one night and it slipped out during the conversation. I remember kissing him and feeling sparks and a kind of love that I had never felt before. Compared to the guys I have dated in the past, that kiss felt different and deeper.

The problem is my family. I still live at home with my parents and my dad immigrated to the U.S. from Mexico years ago. He has always been very strict and protective when it comes to dating. Usually if I start talking to someone he expects to know who the person is and ideally he wants to meet them first so that I can get permission to go out with them more.

The issue is that whenever I tell him about someone I am interested in or beginning to talk to, he almost always finds something wrong with them. Either they are not ambitious enough, not from the background he approves of, or he assumes they will take advantage of me.

It often feels like he does not see me as a grown woman who has enough standards to choose for herself what she wants in a partner or to recognize red flags. This has honestly been a pattern for years and I do not think he has ever truly approved of anyone I have dated.

Last Saturday during breakfast I finally told him about the guy I have been seeing and everything blew up. The moment I mentioned he is Colombian my dad completely flipped out. He started saying things about Colombian men that are completely false and intolerant.

He has never met my boyfriend but he has already decided exactly what kind of person he thinks he is. Since that conversation my dad barely talks to me, and when he does he makes comments about how I chose “the poor."

He has also said before that he would not approve of certain partners in general. He has said he would not accept people from other Latin American countries. The only people he has ever said he would approve of are Americans who are American born. According to him he does not want other cultures or backgrounds complicating the family.

A few days ago things escalated even more and he gave me an ultimatum. He told me I have two choices. Either I stop seeing my boyfriend and choose my family, or I pack my bags and leave the house because it is his house and his rules.

What hurts the most is that my boyfriend is honestly the complete opposite of everything my dad assumes about him. He is hardworking, respectful, kind, and incredibly supportive. In some ways he even reminds me of my dad in the good ways, like being determined and family oriented.

I did tell my boyfriend what is happening and he was really sad about it because he cares about me deeply, but he also said he is willing to support me in whatever way I need and that he will do whatever it takes. He did ask if I could try to give him an answer by Monday about what I want to do.

Now I feel completely stuck. I love my family and respect how hard my dad worked for us, but at the same time I feel like I am being asked to give up someone who genuinely makes me happy without my dad even giving him a chance.

I honestly do not know what the right decision is here. I do not know if I should break up with him to keep the peace with my family or if I should consider moving out and continuing the relationship. If you were in my position what would you do?

This is what people had to say to OP:

nolaz said:

Appeasing unreasonable people just makes them more unreasonable.

boredlabrat said:

Honestly if I were you i would make plans to leave ONLY if you have a safe and secure alternative. Your father sounds very controlling and clearly racist which isn’t healthy for anyone to be around. You are at an age where it is entirely appropriate for you to make decisions (especially relationship ones) alone.

It may suck a lot but you will probably be better off in the long run without having to worry if what you do upsets your father and puts you at risk of sudden homelessness if/when he decides you’ve crossed his imaginary line.

Either-Market-6395 said:

No guy will likely be good enough for dad. Like everyone else said, please move out. But dont move in with the bf yet. The relationship is too new.

0215rw said:

You’re 24 and your dad is completely unreasonable about dating. You should probably move out and live on your own. Do you have a job? Could you support yourself?

Apocalypstick77 said:

You are 24.. time to move out anyway. Just take it from a grown woman, don’t get pregnant by some chump that’s not really doing anything with his life, you’ll regret it. Young love has a habit of blinding us to reality. Try to keep a clear head.