'My dad's secrets are coming to light. I'm realizing I don't know even my parents at all.' UPDATED

"My dad's secrets are coming to light and it's destroying my view of my parents."

I (24f) just found out my dad (52M) has a life full of secrets, I knew my dad was no saint, but as a daughter you expect things of your parents.

My dad has worked for a construction company for over 30 years. A lot of his coworkers have known him for years. My husband started working with my dad a few years ago. At first everything was fine but recently my dad has been treating my husband differently.

A few coworkers have started noticing the difference in treatment as my dad invites the same group out to lunch, which includes my brother in law. My husband used to be a part of that group but stopped getting invited. People started approaching my husband asking why my dad treats him differently.

My husband got close to those coworkers and they got comfortable enough to tell him that my dad was the type of person that likes to surround himself with people that enable him, so to not take it too harshly when my dad ignores him.

They started telling my husband stories about my dad, how he often hires ladies he's interested in and fires them before things get too serious. They said he tests the guys to see if they’ll tolerate him flirting with the girls when they know he’s married and they know me, as I often visit with treats or food.

Apparently when my dad first got a serious lead role (I was around 14y/o at the time) it got to his head and he started messing around with a company office lady. He got her pregnant and surrendered his parental rights at my moms request (an ultimatum for them to stay married). They said my dad stayed faithful for a bit after that, not hiring any women unless married to his employees.

But he got back into the habit and has been a serial cheater. He gives the girls his credit cards during work hours and tells them to take the day to treat themselves which is so funny to me because I know he makes good money but is always telling my mom he's short or has her pay for dinner sometimes as "it all comes from the same source anyways".

My husband struggled to decide whether to tell me or not as he knows I'm close to my dad and have strict rules and hate towards cheaters but he knew it was wrong to hide something like this from me. Especially after a female coworker approached him asking if he knew whether she would be fired or not. When he asked why, she said she had rejected my dads advances because she's married and knows he's married.

After that she noticed she wasn't on the list for people who were working the next house when she's usually always put on the schedule to work. There's only 2 ladies working there rn, the one who rejected my dad and the one who didn't. My husband made sure to get the same stories from other trusted male coworkers without making it obvious before telling me so he knew all these stories weren't lies.

Since then I've been a mess, I randomly get nauseous, I dissociate when I think about it or having to tell my mom, I get angry, sad, I lay in bed for hours or go blank in my car when driving or parked. It's like I don't know my dad. I'm heartbroken for my mom and losing the father I thought I knew. I don't know what to do. I feel like I need to get some kind of evidence of his recent cheating before telling my mom.

I don't even know how she'll react as I never took her for the kind of person to forgive a cheater but apparently she knew about his affair child and made him give up parental rights? Like who even are my parents!? I went back to therapy because of this but my new therapist just keeps telling me its not my relationship and to leave things in the past. But I can’t I’m angry right now.

This is what people had to say to OP:

LegalTowel5011 said:

Man this is absolutely brutal, I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. Your therapist telling you to leave it in the past is honestly garbage advice when you're watching your dad actively harm people at work and your mom is being deceived

The fact that she's only a few years older than you makes this so much worse. Trust your gut on gathering evidence first - your mom deserves to know but having proof will make it harder for him to gaslight everyone when it comes out. Take care of yourself through this, the physical symptoms you're having are your body processing trauma and that's totally normal even if it feels awful

cherryfanz said:

Your dad isn't a man with secrets, he's franchise of betrayal. The girl only a few years older than you is the final exhibit. Stop gathering evidence for a trial you didn't sign up to prosecute. tell your husband you need a break from visiting your dad's work. The nausea is your body rejecting his reality. Listen to it.

Relative-Lie-9699 said:

Pretty sure your mom knows and has chosen to keep one eye shut just like she did with your dad child pretending the child doesn't exist. Neither of your parents are innocent. Once a cheater always a cheater. I think your husband needs to find a new job. He shouldn't have to work in a hostile environment. You can't change your parents don't even try. To bad someone hasn't sued him for harassment.

And soffttempt said:

Your therapist is wrong. This isn't just "not your relationship." It's the violent shattering of your family's foundation. Of course you're angry

OP later shared this update:

I went to surprise my dad and met the girl. At first she tried hiding from me. I imagine that's why I never noticed her before because I visit my dad often. ….She's only a few years older than me. I can't sleep, the nauseous feeling is so bad when it pops into my head that I can't control throwing up.

I keep feeling I need to find more evidence, follow my dad, follow the girl, or confront him, or wait because there's a lot of milestones coming up for our family this year that I don't want to be the reason everyone is divided during this time. But my moral compass is just spinning in circles and on the verge of breaking. I don't want to make rash decisions...

Why does it hurt so much for me and why do men insist on having women on the side to stroke their ego. This has really affected my belief towards men. I have a wonderful husband I know I can trust. But is he really truly the only man in my life, in my family who I can trust now? All I feel is anger towards my dad so bad I shake from having to keep a smile on my face.

Thankfully it's cold and snowy where we live right now so I just blame it on that. I'm exhausted and I'm sorry for rambling but I truly have no one I can share these feelings with other than my husband. Any advice is welcome.