Mom-to-be asks 'AITA?' for assuming child will take her last name instead of husband's. UPDATED
For a long time, it's been tradition for kids to take their father's last names. But all traditions are subject to change! One mom-to-be assumed her kids would carry her last name, instead of her husband's, and it didn't go over well with him. So she asked the internet to weigh in:
AITA for assuming our kids will take my last name?
My (29 F) husband (29 M) and I are pregnant. We're happy about it but its all happened so fast so we didn't discuss details before. Today while we were fantasizing about our future, I kind of wistfully said the full name of our baby (gender neutral first name we chose and my last name).
He was upset and asked why I assumed they would take my name. I said it was bc I thought he didn't care about his last name whereas my last name is very important to me.
Context: I never changed my last name when we got married because in my culture this is uncommon and my name also has very heavy cultural and historical significance. I am extremely proud of it and I am also very close with my extended family. My husband has no relationship with his family, as his parents abandoned him to his uncle who abused him for years until he moved in with me.
When we were getting married he wanted to change his last name to mine bc he feels like my family is his real family, which I was ok with but eventually we decided he doesn't need to go through that hassle since he's a part of our family regardless. He's never expressed any type of interest in his heritage (Irish) and even when I suggested we go visit Ireland he was uninterested.
But now, he said people will think the kid is not his, and that it's disrespectful to have kids not take the fathers last name. I was confused because he has never expressed any such sentiment before. I told him my last name is nonnegotiable, so we can hyphenate it. He was resistant since both our last names are clunky and long, but eventually he said only if HIS name comes first.
I got really annoyed at his implication that there's something wrong with taking the mom's last name, so maybe I was a little petty and said "suits me, that way people will think your name is just a middle name and mine is their last name". He told me I was being an a**hole and left the house, it's been a couple of hours and he's responding to my texts with one word responses.
Her post generated a heated debate online. Here's what some top commenters had to say:
From Special_Respond7372:
NTA. He knew well in advance how you felt about your last name. He even said he would take your last name. If he’s so concerned that people will think he isn’t the baby’s father, he can change his last name to your last name as he originally wanted to.
From its_a_gibibyte:
It's not about which name the baby should have, it's about communication.
OP said that she was "deciding that our baby will take my last name without discussing it with him first."
It's the unilateral decision part that makes her an AH.
From yourshaddow3:
Except he has a list of reasons as to why the kids should have his last name instead so he made the same assumption. He didn't want to discuss it. He wants his name.
From Mother_Tradition_774:
ESH. In 2023, neither parent has the right to assume that their child will take only their last name. This is something you and your husband should have discussed a long time ago. You discussed whether you would take his last name and whether he would take yours. Why didn’t your potential kids’ last names come up during those conversations?
From Pretzelmamma:
NTA. I do think you should revisit him changing his name to yours so you're a "matching" family since it seems to be bothering him already - it will only get worse. My partner and I aren't married and when we had kids they took his surname, mostly because I loathe my surname and didn't want to pass on the bullying I endured because of it.
It was all fine at the time but now I do feel like an outsider sometimes and while I recognise that it's silly and doesn't matter I do wish we all had the same name or at least that my kids had my name. If I get called Mrs Partnersurname by the school one more time I swear I will lose my shit lol.
From Commercial-Editor807:
NTA I get that you're attached to and like your last name. But, I'm sure he is feeling pushed aside. He has no family. His wife didn't want to tie herself to him by taking his name.
And now, she's telling him that the kids aren't allowed to have his last name either. I'm sure he is feeling very alone and unwanted right now.
The mom later posted this UPDATE:
I am seeing some misunderstanding about why he never changed his last name to mine. I thought it was a good idea and so he was doing research on the process, but ended up complaining to me that the process seemed like a big hassle. After which I told him that my family loves him regardless of what name he has, so he decided to not go through with it.
Right now we decided to discuss this whole thing in the morning after we get some sleep, and I will try to offer some of the suggestions people made in the replies. Thank you for the many responses everyone, it helped to put some things into perspective for me.
A few days later, she posted this SECOND UPDATE:
Hello everyone, some of the responses from the original post gave me ideas for how to approach the issue with my husband so I wanted to give an update.
After my husband came home, we decided to talk in the morning as he was tired and still a little upset.
Next morning he was really trying to push the topic aside and said he "didn't care" what name we choose anymore he just didn't want to keep talking about it. I didn't think that was a good idea but I was worried he'd get angry if I just pushed it so I asked him if we could just cuddle for a while. I brought it up again by apologizing for my comment that I made about the hyphenated name, he said he didn't want to hyphenate our names anyway.
We talked for a while about a lot like my family, culture and his family...etc but basically he felt like the odd one out. I reminded him again about how much my family, especially my parents and brother, love him and treat him like a son/brother. They really do treat him like the baby of the family because thats how they always treated me as the youngest. My extended family loves him as well.
He said he felt like he was still stuck with his shitty family even though he hasn't talked to any of them in years, and if our baby has his name it would be like he was connected with the baby through that name and not his family.
I was dreading asking him this but based on comments in my other post it made too much seem not to at least ask. So I asked him if he thinks he would like taking my last name, so he didn't have to share his last name with them anymore. He said that he was too embarrassed to suggest this again to my family because he felt like it would look badly that he keeps changing his mind on this topic, like he didn't respect this decision or my family's name. I convinced him that they wouldn't feel that way and that I would help him with every step of the name changing process if he wants that.
We ran it by my parents to prove to him they were ok with it and they were super supportive. He seems really happy about this decision and even excited while we were gathering all the info to make sure it's a smooth transition. I'm also planning to have some more detailed discussions with him about other things we never really discussed specifics of so we don't catch each other by surprise again haha. Thank you again everyone for the perspective and for the suggestions
Here's what commenters had to say:
From Kal_El-of-Krypton:
Aw this is a great update! It's unfortunate that men are often raised in a society that expects the wife to take on their name. They're viewed as less of a man, or there's a scandal, etc. Obviously that's not true!
I did think he was embarrassed and unsure how to move forward about asking to take your name. I'm so glad you two could reopen the conversation. Key detail was the waiting, giving you both a chance to take a step back and not forcing it.
Wishing you, your hubby and baby nothing but the best!
From Frosty20thc:
The last name change is a big outdated. It was a transfer of ownership as Mrs’ is the best way to think about the Mrs.
My wife wanted to hyphenating her name I was not expecting her to change her name at all. I was the one who suggested our children be hyphenated as well as they are of both families and should carry the names and honor their heritage. I am sure she wanted the hyphenated names for our kids anyway, I just brought it up before the question was asked.
From Capable_Loss_6084:
Oh this is a lovely update! Good on you both for talking it out and making what sounds like a really positive and wholesome decision for your family.
Kudos to this couple for talking things out and settling on a decision that worked for all of them.