We all have personal preferences for how we want things to go, and there's nothing wrong with sharing those preferences. But lacking any flexibility around these preferences is generally unrealistic, since none of us can be consistent all the time. This is to say, if you hold other people's feet to the fire too intensely, then you'll eventually get burned yourself.
In a popular post on the AITA subreddit, a parent asked if they were wrong for calling out their DIL for being a hypocrite. They wrote:
My DIL has a lot of boundaries, she has high-functioning autism. The first day I met her she gave a list of everything I can’t do around her and if I did she will leave or tell me off. Some of the stuff makes sense other s#$t just seems like a power move. There are a lot of things but one of them is no matter what you have to be on time. If not she will not let you in or leave without you.
On their wedding day, me and my spouse were late due to a large crash in the city, we sat in the back when we came in (everyone knew what happened since multiple people were effected). She chews us out in her wedding speech. Next big thing was we were five minutes late to get dinner with them and she was pissed and told us to leave. Our son doesn’t do anything about it.
Today we were supposed to met them so we can drive them to the airport. We started calling them 15 minutes in to them being late. No answer, they were an hour late when they got to the spot. I told them I can’t drive them anymore since I need to get to my club and go Uber.
This ended up in an argument and I called her a hypocrite. They left after I drove away and my son is calling me an a-hole and I need to apologize for this. Should I apologize?
NTA. It's entirely fine to be pissed about people who are chronically late, but when there is a crash and you can't do anything about it or you're 5 minutes late and they make a big deal they are being an a-hole for the sake of it. Someone who acts out if you're late due to a crash, but gets upset if you treat them the same way if they are late are just straight-up unreasonable.
Autism is not the reason she's like this except for the possibility that her parents decided she's autistic so never tried to teach her better ways to live and just gave in on everything so she learned she could do anything and always get her own way.
This is a tough line to find but there are times a kid with any special needs will require different handling and methods to cope but also times they are just a kid that needs teaching how to behave. When parents kinda give up and call everything a special need so don't actually teach their kids basics of how to behave you get your DIL.
NTA. A list of rules for other people are not “boundaries”. It’s her weaponizing therapy speak to manipulate & control. Also to excuse her publicly admonishing those who don’t adhere to her rules. Tell her your boundary is people attempting to control your behavior & speaking to you rudely so since you can only control your own actions, you won’t be spending any more time with her.
And remove yourself. Sadly you & your spouse may have limited contact with your son as a result, but you don’t have to allow yourselves to be abused by her to appease them. Either your son will see the manipulative behavior or he’ll fall deeper.
NTA. My old roommate has diagnosed ADHD and high-functioning autism, and one of his focuses was punctuality. He'd be upset if people were late, sure. But the one time he was late to a party some of our mutual friends were throwing, he apologized for being late at least 2 hours into the party before we convinced him that it was okay.
DIL's behavior is 100% a control thing, not an autism thing. Have them apologize for being so late.
Absolutely not. Your DIL actually used her wedding speech to give you shit for being delayed by a car accident that others could corroborate and threw you out when you were 5 minutes late. They set the precedent here. Lateness for any reason at all is unacceptable and plans for that event are either canceled, or the late person gets yelled at. Not a great advertisement for quality time, but okay.
So thems the rules. I don't know why you were still there when they arrived an hour late, other than concern for their wellbeing. I don't know what you said, but if they thought their lateness would be treated differently than yours, that is unfortunate for them. I say THEIRS and not HERS because this isn't just your DIL's issue.
Your son is right there with her and has the same responsibility for the situation. I think you need to step away from all spending time together, since it is so hostile. Telling someone you plan to go off on them if they do something you don't like is not a good way to start a relationship, and actually doing that repeatedly is a terrible way to have a relationship. This isn't working for anyone. NTA.
NTA. Honestly, I would be pissed at her calling you out at the wedding. That would forever change how I see her. And I wouldn't go out of my way to do any favors for them. I think you're in for a cordial relationship with your son and dil, but never be close. He stands by and watches this happen.
Absolutely not. She is just obnoxious and rude at this point. Limits I understand, but this behavior is just bad manners.
Clearly, the internet is on OP's side.