'AITA for telling my parents to pick between me and my sister for the hollidays?'

In this post we have a guy who's considering reconcilling with his parents, but not on their terms. He has some conditions that need to be met, and they're unwilling to meet them. Is he being unreasonbly inflexible, and risking losing his family? Or is he justified, and it's time they compromised? Here's his story...

Things start before 2018:

I (28M) am currently pretty much estranged from my family. I have a younger sister (27F) Tory. When one of my friends Brendan (28M) started dating Tory, I hated it at first but eventually I gained a best friend. They got married in 2018 and I was the best man. Brendan is now like my brother, we are that close.

Cut to 2020 :

In 2020 Tory left Brendan for another guy. Reality Tv type sh*t. My parents were incredibly upset, as was I. My sister moved in with the guy immediately. My parents knew I was pissed but had to “support” their daughter. I went NC with Tory and LC with my parents.

In 2020 when Tory’s second wedding happened, I didn’t go. Me and my dad had it out over it. My mother tried playing peacekeeper for the family. My parents then started giving me the silent treatment. When 2020 Holliday season came around it was the height of Covid.

My parents said that I should just do my own thing this year. Because with me going out a lot, they didn’t want me spreading diseases. My exact response was “if you are worried about catching diseases from other people. Shouldn’t you be more worried about Tory.

I mean she’s the one who likes to sleep around”. Me and my dad had another fight especially due to his “family over everything mantra”.

In 2021 things didn't get much better:

I hardly spoke to my family in 2021. My parents would send me texts like “when you are ready to apologize” we’ll be here type sh*t. I responded with a Bible verse about adultery and how they support it. I was berated again and we hardly spoke until October of 2021.

Last year I was told we were doing Thanksgiving at Tory’s place and if I wanted to come I needed to apologize to Tory and her husband. I laughed and ended up going to Brendan’s family’s.

Where Brendan’s mom posted me with her family on FB and tagged me with a quote about “family being those you choose”. I never told her to post it. But my mom saw it and went apeshit. Asking for me to come over and talk and even commented on the post.

Now we're in 2022:

So this year my plan is to go to Brendan’s family again. My mom called and said she wanted to host this year. I asked if Tory and her husband would be there. She said of course they are family. I said “so was Brendan, but I saw how you treated him and me. So no thank you”.

Yesterday my dad called and said my mom is distraught and has been for years. She wants us all to get along, so I need to do the right thing. I said I’ll come if my sister isn’t invited. He said that he wouldn't do that to family. I said he did that to me for 2 years. He claimed I did it to myself.

My mom is now saying it was my dad that has been the hardass about this the whole time. I said she should have divorced him then because I’m not putting up with his sh*t anymore. Either my sister isn’t invited or I don’t come.

I’ve now had some extended family reach out and say my parents are upset and hurt. I said my parents were totally okay with not having me around for 2 years. AITA?

Edits from OP:

For those responding and wondering. Yes she did cheat. Brendan found the text. She never came clean or admitted it. Brendan was willing to forgive and work past it. She left in the middle of the night and moved in with the new guy.

And took the house and he had to sell it (he had it before they married) so when I say being held “accountable” I think she owes him money on top of everything else.

Here's what people had to say in the comments:

summerhunterniks writes:

YTA. Im only saying that as a Mother. It's not your parents fault. Your Mom gave you life and took care of you and your sister for years. It's not about you or your sister. At this age in their lives, they shouldn't be having to deal with petty s. They should have the blessing of having both their kids around them at the same time during the holidays.

brithavx OP responded:

Them guilt tripping me for not wanting to go to her wedding is 100% their fault. They did that. Not me.

Hadeskitty writes:

QUESTION: What does your perfect family unit look like? What outcome would satisfy you moving forward in life with your parents and sister? Have you conveyed to your parents what it would take for you all to be one cohesive family again?

brithavx OP responded:

I am no longer interested in playing hallmark family with my sister and her affair partner. Perfect family situation? They don’t get invited around the holidays and just go to his family’s things. I realize that isn’t realistic. So split events. I get one Holliday and she gets the other. That would be fine with me.

After_Manufacturer24 writes:

I’m curious, would you ever consider talking to your sister? You don’t need to involve your parents in any way or her new husband, but just the two of you.

It’s possible things were happening in the marriage with your friend you weren’t aware of. I’m not excusing her cheating, but often things aren’t as black and white as they can appear. Life is short and the unexpected can happen so easily.

I’ve lost both my parents, both sets of grandparents, my brother and just this April my cousin. For your own sake, hers and your parents, maybe think about reaching out? That one conversation could answer a lot of questions and possibly give you insight you didn’t have before. Should the worst happen do you really want this to be the regret you carry with you?

brithavx OP responded:

Sorry about all your loses. But really we don’t have anything to discuss. She has been just fine without me involved in her life the last few years. Ditto for mine. I’ve gotten both sides of the story. And until she pays my friend back. The details are in the edit. I don’t feel like we have anything to discuss.

South-Housing-748 writes:

YTA. Your sister made a bad decision in her first marriage. So now you’re done with her forever? Good lord.

brithavx OP responded:

I’ll say it like this. She was willing to lie and cheat the person she committed her life to. The person she stood up in front her her family and friends a vowed to be there for. Then went and cheated on him and left him for someone else.

If she is willing to do that to someone she “loved” what would she do to me? Why would I be someone she wouldn’t wrong? She told someone the biggest lie you can for months while laying down next to him at night. What wouldn’t she do. Answer me that please.

KnotKarma writes:

NTA because it's your call, but when will this controversy end? Someday you're going to look back and wish you'd spent more time and holidays with your parents. I understand your feelings, but this isn't something that should tear a family apart.

brithavx OP responded:

It will end when I know where their loyalty is. They’ve been just fine not having me around for 2 holidays. Why should I care? I suggested thanksgivings with me and Christmas’s with my sister. But that was shut down. I’ve tried compromising.

RB1327 writes:

ESH, Everybody Sucks Here. This is a poor excuse for everyone in the family to be estranged.

Marriages break up for a variety of reasons. Your sister and Brendan know what happened in their relationship---not you and not your parents. You have taken your sister's divorce in a bizarrely personal way.

Dirt_E_Harry writes:

He should have sent bible verses to himself, starting with Matthew 7:1-3. Judge not, that ye be not judged.

Gordossa writes:

And what’s with the covid thing?? His parents are older, don’t want to get sick or die, and he’s saying ‘well then you should be worried about catching something from sister’. He a toddler.

zoe_not_zoe writes:

Right? He was going out a lot during Covid and his parents made the responsible call not to invite him and his response is basically, well your daughter is a wh*re. His self-righteousness is exhausting and he’s lucky his family even wants him around.