'AITA for moving out because I don’t want to help my boyfriend with the rent?' UPDATED
"AITA for moving out because I don’t want to help my boyfriend with the rent?"
My boyfriend(26M) and I(24F) have been together for 3 years. We live in NYC and he makes over $200k/year, while I’m studying for my masters in social work and have no income. Right now I’m doing an unpaid, yearlong internship 3 days/week, as well as classes 2 days/week. It’s rare to get a paid internship in social work, plus internships are mandatory. I have no time for a paid job.
My mom helps me financially by paying for my public transportation and healthcare expenses, but everything else I rely on loans. Before I moved in with my boyfriend there was a roach infestation in my apartment so I'd stay over at his place a lot. My lease was ending soon so he asked me if I wanted to live with him.
At first I joked with him that his living standards would go down since I can’t afford a nice place, but he insisted on paying the rent until I finish grad school, then we would split the rent based on income.
I originally wanted to live in a cheaper place in Queens or Brooklyn, but my boyfriend likes his current place and insisted I move in since he would be the one paying the rent. So, I moved into his $5k/month luxury condo in the city this August.
All of a sudden my boyfriend recently started asking me to pay half the rent ($2.5k/month). I was confused because he was the one who wanted to pay the rent in full.
Apparently he was talking to his friends and they all think its weird that I don’t pay rent and that I was a gold digger. I let my boyfriend know that I can’t afford $2.5k/month and he said I was “leeching” off of him, so I told him that he should find someone within his social class so he doesn’t have to worry about a gold digger like me leeching off of him.
I stayed at my friends place for a few days while figuring out what to do. I called my mom about my situation and she is willing to help me out but the maximum she can afford for rent is $800. I found some places in Queens within the price range and I already signed the lease.
I told my boyfriend about my new place and he got upset and asked me to stay. He said that he was willing to accept $800/month instead of $2.5k/month if that's all I can afford, but I told him I don’t want him changing his mind again and demanding more money from me in the future.
He lived in this condo alone for several years so it’s not like he can’t afford to live there without my help. I wouldn’t mind splitting rent with him, but I would have to live in a more affordable place outside of Manhattan like I originally wanted.
Apparently some of our “mutual friends” think I’m being unreasonable for moving out instead of talking to him and staying by paying the amount I can afford in rent, and that I shouldn’t have let him pay my portion of the rent.
Later OP came back with this update:
update: yes i did dump him. i blocked him and his idiot friends on everything. My friends also blocked him since he tried to contact me through them. i'm going to enjoy being single and never relying on a man financially ever again.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Left-Car6520 writes:
Around he f*^%$d, and out he found. NTA
moons_and_stars writes:
The fact that his friends see you as a gold digger and don’t appear to know the full story (the fact that you offered to pay and to find a cheaper place and he insisted otherwise) is also a red flag to me and makes me question how he talks about you to his friends.
fallingfaster345 writes:
You made the right call!!! He tried the old bait and switch. GTFO of there! This is the first flower in a red flag bouquet. Enjoy your new apartment and the peace of mind that comes with it. NTA
NTA. He changed the rules and now he’s gaslighting you. You’re a smart woman.
quarkfan4552 writes:
NTA and why is he discussing finances with friends?
Then OP added these clarifications:
update #2: i'm going to make a few clarifications since a lot of you are confused and clearly aren't familiar with NYC.
1. yes, it is possible to find a room for $800 in queens when you have several roommates. but my room is small as s^%$, has no AC (which obviously isn't an issue now but will be in the summer) and is above a restaurant which means i'll probably have rodent roomies (my current roommate told me that they did have a rat problem in the past but it's supposedly fixed.
However, knowing these mutant city rats i know they'll come back), but this is the best i can do for now. I'm not some new, bright eyed transplant who thinks NYC is only the trendy and rich parts of manhattan so i know where to look.
2. In general, NYC landlords have a 40x rent rule. Landlords that accept guarantors follow the 80x rule, but some landlords are more lenient when it comes to students.
My landlord's son is also an alumni of the school I'm currently attending and is from the same cultural/ethnic background as me which probably gave me some leverage, along with the fact that my mom meets the 80x requirement. It also took me a week to find my current place.
3. I just started my 2-year MSW program this September. I finished undergrad 2.5 years ago and worked full time before starting my masters degree. So yes, I did have a job and paid my own rent (which was $1,025/month for a roach infested apartment in queens that i shared with a roommate.)
I obviously don't have time to work now due to my schedule. My place was not rent stabilized (I'm confused as to how some of you came to this conclusion) it was cheap because it was a shitty place and no one wants to live there.
4. Yes, my ex does make that much money. It's NYC, he's been in the workforce for 5 years and people here make more money than they would in whatever town you're from, especially in his field. It was initially shocking to me that someone with just a bachelors could earn that much while contributing absolutely nothing to society but that's life.
The last thing i need right now is non NYCers from the rest of bu^$%^ America trying to have some sort of weird gotcha moment because they think s%# and the city and rich transplants on social media is representative of the real NYC.