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'Should I invite my parents to my wedding despite cutting them out of my life?' UPDATED

'Should I invite my parents to my wedding despite cutting them out of my life?' UPDATED


"Should I invite my parents to my wedding despite cutting them out of my life?"

Here's the original post:

To give some background, one day, when I was 16, I was out with my friends at the mall when I caught my mom out with a man i didn't recognize. He had his hand on her ass and they were just walking out of the mall. I told my friend to follow their car, and I found him leading her into his house. At this point, I am freaking out. I am thinking my mother is having an affair and I am literally shaking with fear.

After I eventually catch them, I go off in a frenzy on her for cheating on my father, she frantically calls my father. Eventually they both take me home and explain to me that they are in an open-marriage. This just destroyed me and I cried the whole night. I begged them to stop all of this for my sake, I just wanted them to be normal. I told them, I couldn't stomach any of this.

They stopped for a little while but then about a month later started again. From that point forward, I couldn't look my parents in the eyes. I wanted to vomit every time I saw them going out of the house alone and on one day, when I saw my mother dressed up nicely and going out alone, I just started balling out and crying, and after I calmed down a bit, she went anyway...she didn't come home all night.

The whole thing just changed how I viewed my parents and the more I was around them, the less I wanted to be. With this in my mind, after that day my relationship with them just ground to a stop. I had to mentally completely disconnect from them in an effort to not go into depression. My only goal became to get out of my house as fast as I could.

We basically completely stopped talking, and I spent as little time as possible at home. Thus, after graduation, I decided to leave & cut them out of my life. They tried to stop me, telling me they are happy this way. I said, that every night one of them was gone, I cried.

They told me they wanted to be happy and that this was the only way they could continue to be together, and I said that I couldn't be happy if I continued to be in their life. Eventually, my father says it was none of my business what they did in their bedroom and I said it’s no longer their business who I choose to associate with.

All of this matters because, well, this was some 4 years ago (after I left) and I just proposed to my fiance. Then, I got a call from them, and, while I usually never pick-up, I did this day. We talked normally, and they asked me about my fiance (they've had met her, we are high school sweethearts), and I told them.

She asked if it would be ok, if me and my fiance came to visit...I said, I couldn't. I know they are still sleeping with other people, and the memories just won't go away. Every time I talk with her or think about it, I just want to gauge out my eyes. Then she asked, if it would be ok if they came to the wedding? I said I'd think about it.

My fiance has said, maybe its time to let them back into my life. Nevertheless, maybe its their right as my parents to attend my wedding, should I let them?

Edit (Just for some clarifications):

  • I'm not malicious against them. I just don't want them to be part of my life anymore. If they want to do what they want to do, fine.

  • I'm doing this because my fiance says its time I try to reconcile. She know how deeply I don't want to, and she has said at the end of the day its my choice. But she has also asked me to try and make a change, if I am ready. I love her, and for her sake, I will try.

-I'm not particularly religious as I question my religion all the time. I do go to communion, as my grandparents used to take me all the time, but I'm not even sure there is a god. But if you make me put it on paper, I would put down catholic. Other stuff about me, I am a pre-medical student and I am paying my own way thru college.

-Everyone is saying it's their life. Great and I'm not stopping them from living it. I don't try to stop them, and the only time I did was the 2 weeks after I found out. I just don't want them in my life, that's all it is.

-Look, this is the best I got, you telling me to grow-up ain't helping.

2nd Edit:

I don't get this. Maybe this was the wrong platform for this. Nevertheless, I have had some very kind people reach out to me. But i think I need to just give some more info that might help everyone here figure out what I am thinking.

Just stand in my shoes for a moment. Imagine you are told, family is everything and you go your whole thinking this is what family is. You see your parents together and you think they are like 99% of families out there. Then one day you find out, this isn't the case at all and you find it abruptly. Your entire concept of a monogamous marriage collapses.

Then instead of trying to help their son figure this out, they tell you, you're overreacting. You can't breathe, you want to leave the car. they won't let you, they keep driving. You think ur wind-pipe is closing. You jump out of the car. They yell at you for jumping they take you home.

Then while in the middle of having panic attack, you see ur mother put on lipstick...and then you think to yourself she's going back. You beg, that just for a little while for her to stay. She says she will, she calms you down and then a little bit later, you see her leave.

Then you go to your room. Who do you tell about this? Who do you talk to? You cry and cry and cry, and no one listens. No one comes, no one says anything. The next morning you see that your mother isn't home and then all those days when they weren't home colliding in.

When I had baseball practice, was my father really busy? What about on my birthday? I taught myself to shave, I taught myself how to ride a bike, I taught myself to basically even drive..but they had time to have sex with others. Then everyone the next day pretends everything is normal. To you these people aren't the people they said they are.

They are laughing and going about their day like everything is normal. You eat your toast, and you push it down thinking, don't think about, don't think about it. You see everything now and nothing makes sense. You see them leave and you cry. You beg them to stop for a little while and they do but then it all starts again.

For the next two-years you live in ur car, ur friends couch or in school, because ur scared if you go back u'll have a panic attack. You feel like a stranger in ur own home. You don't recognize those people. They lied to you about this, what else did they hide?

Update/3rd Edit:

After talking to some people in the chat, its obvious that even if I don't go to therapy for my parents, I need to go for my fiance.

I don't think I will let them back in my life completely, but after talking to another redditor, and my fiance's insistance, I will call them to arrange for a meeting in a coffee shop. I want to write down everything I want to say to them, so in case I freeze, I can ensure I know what I want to get across. She will be there with me ofc, so hopefully I will have some support there.

What do you think? Should he invite his parents to his wedding?

This is what some of the top commenters had to say:

Meb2x said:

If you’re not already, you absolutely need to see a therapist. It’s clear that this issue is still as fresh as it was when you initially found out, and holding on to that feeling isn’t good to you. I’m not saying that you have to forgive them or hate them, but you need to find a healthier way to deal with this problem.

As for the wedding, it’s ultimately your decision. It might be hard for you to have that special moment without your parents, but it sounds like having them around right now would also ruin the day for you. Personally, I think your wedding should be about you and your fiancé, so you need to decide together what’s best for you as a couple.

alleymind said:

It’s your wedding, it’s absolutely your right to invite them or not, and to let them back into your life or not. I don’t really know why you posted on here, you’re arguing with everyone telling you to seek therapy. You should seek therapy. Your comments express a deep hatred still seared into you. You talk about it like you just found out last night, this is clearly something you’ve never properly dealt with.

[deleted] said:

I understand why you feel the way you do. This would mess me up also. That being said, I would seek help from a therapist so you can heal from this because it does sound like you’re carrying around a lot of pain.

ms_channandler_bong said:

Don’t do it for your fiancée sake. From your post it’s clear that you don’t want a relationship with them. Your fiancée should be understanding this not force a relationship.

sarcasmis43v3r said:

I think you should seek out some therapy as you seems to be carrying to much of their baggage. As to inviting them to attend your wedding or not. Are you trying to punish them for not living up to your standards or to protect yourself and future spouse to be from their point of view? (something only you can answer)

A few days after his original post, he shared this final update:

Last few words as I couldn't add to the other post after it got deleted or something. I have had a long talk with my fiance and I do need therapy. Also I will not be inviting them to my wedding for everyones sake. Nevertheless, I am making this last post after I wrote something in my reply to another comment that I think helps contextualize what I wanted to say here but couldn't the first time.

In a direct-message it was suggested to me that I post this as a stand-alone post. Why? I do not know. Maybe cathartic release, maybe because the people who reached out to me thought this would do some good. I do not know. But here it goes:

What hit me that hardest was 4 things:

• My entire life my parents led me to believe that the reason they couldn't come to my games, sometimes miss my birthday or didn't have time to teach how to ride a bike/drive was because they were making these massive sacrifices.

When I asked why mom wasn't home or dad wasn't home, they used to tell me they were working late. When, I found out, it clicked in my head. They had the time...they just didn't want to spend it with me. How many nights did I have to make my own dinner? How many times did I tell my teachers, my parents were late to pick me up because they were busy at work.

How many of them knew what was actually happening. It's not a large town, they knew, I'm sure.

• When I figured it out, they were not there for me. When I needed them the most, they left me in my room to cry it out.

The one moment that will forever be burned into my brain (that and of course finding my mother on that couch with that stranger): After I found out and we got home, I was having a panic attack (my fingers were crossing up, I was hyperventilating, I couldn't move my limbs, my windpipe felt like it was closing, my lips and tongue went numb,

and my vision was getting black spots to appear in-front of it), in that moment, I saw my mother looking at the mirror and putting on lipstick. We had just gotten home from me having caught her with another man in his house, an image that troubled me so deeply that I had just jumped out of the car because the situation had made it hard for me to breathe.

In the midst of this panic-attack, she was preparing to go back. After I calmed down, I begged (on my knees, gripping her legs, tears literally rolling down my cheeks) for her to stay. She promised me she would...but then she left. I watched her walk out an hour (maybe 2) after the promise she made to me. She went back to his house, and I knew what was happening there.

She didn't come home all night and I just cried the whole night. This hit me so hard...I meant nothing to them. I genuinely thought I was going to die but she rather spend that time with him. I always viewed my mother as caring but that's because she never had to give anything up for it. When I asked her to stay...she had a choice to make.

To show me she loved me and be there or to get her carnal desires fulfilled. She chose the latter and it was devastating.

• My whole life, they told me to focus on my studies. They told me that I shouldn't date (my mother said this especially) as it would effect my grades. They sold me on the idea that a marriage is between a man and a woman.

Then one day, I find out my mother is sleeping with a stranger, and everything fell. It made no sense, and they just said...well this is who we are. Accept it. These people never even gave me the sex talk. I was so ashamed of myself my whole life. Then I find out one day, that their carnal desires are blessings, mine are sins.

• The last thing was they never stopped for me. I got them to stop for a month barely (but even then, they just made it much more discrete. I know they visited them when I was at practice...that's just a gut feeling). I begged them that I couldn't handle this, just to please please please stop this. They didn't. After a month it was back to normal, but this time they just went about it like nothing happened.

1ST EDIT: This took some self-reflection and a little too much time to dig out memories that I had blocked out. Also, if you know cheap therapy options, please send those to me.

2ND EDIT: Everyone is sending me direct messages saying that I shouldn't reconnect with my parents and that my fiance shouldn't be pushing me to reconnect with them.

She isn't, not anymore. Not since, I've sort explained all this. If anything she has told me that I shouldn't, and maybe its best if I leave that door closed. I want to see them again, I want to read them exactly what I wrote above but in first-person and look them in eyes while doing it.

Sources: Reddit
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