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'Should I invite my parents to my wedding despite cutting them out of my life?' UPDATED

'Should I invite my parents to my wedding despite cutting them out of my life?' UPDATED

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"Should I invite my parents to my wedding despite cutting them out of my life?"

Here's the original post:

To give some background, one day, when I was 16, I was out with my friends at the mall when I caught my mom out with a man i didn't recognize. He had his hand on her butt and they were just walking out of the mall. I told my friend to follow their car, and I found him leading her into his house.

At this point, I am freaking out. I am thinking my mother is having an affair and I am literally shaking with fear. After I eventually catch them, I go off in a frenzy on her for cheating on my father, she frantically calls my father. Eventually they both take me home and explain to me that they are in an open-marriage.

This just destroyed me and I cried the whole night. I begged them to stop all of this for my sake, I just wanted them to be normal. I told them, I couldn't stomach any of this. They stopped for a little while but then about a month later started again. From that point forward, I couldn't look my parents in the eyes.

I wanted to vomit every time I saw them going out of the house alone and on one day, when I saw my mother dressed up nicely and going out alone, I just started balling out and crying, and after I calmed down a bit, she went anyway...she didn't come home all night.

The whole thing just changed how I viewed my parents and the more I was around them, the less I wanted to be. With this in my mind, after that day my relationship with them just ground to a stop. I had to mentally completely disconnect from them in an effort to not go into depression. My only goal became to get out of my house as fast as I could.

We basically completely stopped talking, and I spent as little time as possible at home. Thus, after graduation, I decided to leave & cut them out of my life. They tried to stop me, telling me they are happy this way. I said, that every night one of them was gone, I cried.

They told me they wanted to be happy and that this was the only way they could continue to be together, and I said that I couldn't be happy if I continued to be in their life. Eventually, my father says it was none of my business what they did in their bedroom and I said it’s no longer their business who I choose to associate with.

All of this matters because, well, this was some 4 years ago (after I left) and I just proposed to my fiance. Then, I got a call from them, and, while I usually never pick-up, I did this day. We talked normally, and they asked me about my fiance (they've had met her, we are high school sweethearts), and I told them.

She asked if it would be ok, if me and my fiance came to visit...I said, I couldn't. I know they are still having sex with other people, and the memories just won't go away. Every time I talk with her or think about it, I just want to gauge out my eyes. Then she asked, if it would be ok if they came to the wedding? I said I'd think about it.

My fiance has said, maybe its time to let them back into my life. Nevertheless, maybe its their right as my parents to attend my wedding, should I let them?

This is what top commenters had to say about it:

Meb2x said:

If you’re not already, you absolutely need to see a therapist. It’s clear that this issue is still as fresh as it was when you initially found out, and holding on to that feeling isn’t good to you. I’m not saying that you have to forgive them or hate them, but you need to find a healthier way to deal with this problem.

As for the wedding, it’s ultimately your decision. It might be hard for you to have that special moment without your parents, but it sounds like having them around right now would also ruin the day for you. Personally, I think your wedding should be about you and your fiancé, so you need to decide together what’s best for you as a couple.

alleymind said:

It’s your wedding, it’s absolutely your right to invite them or not, and to let them back into your life or not. I don’t really know why you posted on here, you’re arguing with everyone telling you to seek therapy. You should seek therapy. Your comments express a deep hatred still seared into you. You talk about it like you just found out last night, this is clearly something you’ve never properly dealt with.

456091 said:

I understand why you feel the way you do. This would mess me up also. That being said, I would seek help from a therapist so you can heal from this because it does sound like you’re carrying around a lot of pain.

ms_channandler_bong said:

Don’t do it for your fiancée sake. From your post it’s clear that you don’t want a relationship with them. Your fiancée should be understanding this not force a relationship.

A day after sharing his original post, he posted this update:

I have had a long talk with my fiance and I do need therapy. Also I will not be inviting them to my wedding for everyones sake. Nevertheless, I am making this last post after I wrote something in my reply to another comment that I think helps contextualize what I wanted to say here but couldn't the first time.

In a direct-message it was suggested to me that I post this as a stand-alone post. Why? I do not know. Maybe cathartic release, maybe because the people who reached out to me thought this would do some good. I do not know. But here it goes:

What hit me that hardest was 4 things:

• My entire life my parents led me to believe that the reason they couldn't come to my games, sometimes miss my birthday or didn't have time to teach how to ride a bike/drive was because they were making these massive sacrifices. When I asked why mom wasn't home or dad wasn't home, they used to tell me they were working late.

When, I found out, it clicked in my head. They had the time...they just didn't want to spend it with me. How many nights did I have to make my own dinner? How many times did I tell my teachers, my parents were late to pick me up because they were busy at work. How many of them knew what was actually happening. It's not a large town, they knew, I'm sure.

• When I figured it out, they were not there for me. When I needed them the most, they left me in my room to cry it out. The one moment that will forever be burned into my brain (that and of course finding my mother on that couch with that stranger):

After I found out and we got home, I was having a panic attack (my fingers were crossing up, I was hyperventilating, I couldn't move my limbs, my windpipe felt like it was closing, my lips and tongue went numb, and my vision was getting black spots to appear in-front of it), in that moment, I saw my mother looking at the mirror and putting on lipstick.

We had just gotten home from me having caught her with another man in his house, an image that troubled me so deeply that I had just jumped out of the car because the situation had made it hard for me to breathe. In the midst of this panic-attack, she was preparing to go back. After I calmed down, I begged (on my knees, gripping her legs, tears literally rolling down my cheeks) for her to stay.

She promised me she would...but then she left. I watched her walk out an hour (maybe 2) after the promise she made to me. She went back to his house, and I knew what was happening there. She didn't come home all night and I just cried the whole night. This hit me so hard...I meant nothing to them.

I genuinely thought I was going to die but she rather spend that time with him. I always viewed my mother as caring but that's because she never had to give anything up for it. When I asked her to stay...she had a choice to make. To show me she loved me and be there or to get her carnal desires fulfilled. She chose the latter and it was devastating.

• My whole life, they told me to focus on my studies. They told me that I shouldn't date (my mother said this especially) as it would effect my grades. They sold me on the idea that a marriage is between a man and a woman. Then one day, I find my mother bent over a sofa getting nailed by a stranger, and everything fell. It made no sense, and they just said...well this is who we are. Accept it.

These people never even gave me the sex talk. I was so ashamed of myself that when I was young, I confessed I masturbated once and my mother lost it on me. I was so ashamed of myself my whole life. Then I find out one day, that their carnal desires are blessings, mine are sins.

• The last thing was they never stopped for me. I got them to stop for a month barely (but even then I'm lying about that, they just made it much more discrete. I know they visited them when I was at practice...but that's just a gut feeling).

I begged them that I couldn't handle this, just to please please please stop this. They didn't. After a month it was back to normal, but this time they just went about it like nothing happened.

This took some self-reflection and a little too much time to dig out memories that I had blocked out. Also, if you know cheap therapy options, please send those to me.

Sources: Reddit
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