Man snaps at teen sister's BF who is always at the house; 'you're not family.' UPDATED

It doesn't matter how lovely they are, having a guest around when you're in a time of extreme stress can be a lot to handle. It's hard enough to make kitchen conversation with a partner, roommate, or family member when you're going through it. So it's exponentially harder when you add another person to the mix.

In a popular post on the AITA subreddit, a man asked if he was wrong for snapping at his sister's boyfriend for 'always being around' while their younger brother is sick.

He wrote:

AITA because I told my sister's boyfriend he isn't a member of our family?

My (21M) sister (17F) has this boyfriend who is always around. He acts like he lives here. They've been dating for two years, so he's gotten really comfortable with our family and our house. My little brother (14) is sick right now, and it has been really stressful. When I'm not at school I'm either at the hospital with my 14-year-old brother or at home watching my 8-year-old brother. It has been a lot.

This morning I was in the kitchen making food to bring to my parents at the hospital, when who should walk in? My sister's boyfriend. He asked me if I wanted help cooking, and I said no (he doesn't even know how to cook). He then proceeded to just stand there in the kitchen, getting in my way. I asked what he was doing, and he said he was waiting for me to be done.

I asked why, and he said he was going to make something. I told him that maybe he should go to his house and use his kitchen then. He said he wasn't trying to bother me. I said that he is bothering me, and I'm sick of him always being here invading our space. I can't even relax in my own home the rare moments I get to myself because he's always here.

He said I wasn't being fair, and that he's scared for my brother too, and I shouldn't take it out on him. I told him to shut up, that he has no idea what he's talking about and to go home. Then he said it's important to stick together when there's a tragedy. I said yeah, families stick together, but he isn't a member of our family, so let us have a day or two a week to ourselves and leave us alone once in a while.

Then he left. My sister was pissed when she came down twenty minutes later. She said I'm a mean bitter douchebag. She said I had no right to say that to her boyfriend, and he's her guest, so he can come over whenever he wants. I didn't want to fight with her, so I just said fine. Was I really being a douchebag though? Why is this guy always here?

The jury of the internet adjourned in the comments section.

Upbeat_Reaction_3238 wrote:

YTA. He was just chatting casually with you. I understand you are stressed, but he is also your sister support person. And it is nice to see him trying to be there for you too. You kinda overreacted but I guess it is understandable, but YTA nevertheless.

Marzi_R0s3 wrote:

NTA just because every day is totally excessive, if he was there often I would understand but absolutely every day shows that he's absolutely oblivious of your boundaries. I can't imagine coming back from the hospital after visiting your sick brother and never having the space to cry or let it out. Every day is just too much.

SlimyPickle1 wrote:

NTA. It's ok that he's comfortable, but he's crossing the line when he doesn't give you the space you need around the kitchen and such. Now one thing to consider, since your sister is 17, I assume he's 17 as well...he's very immature still.

Paranormal-gestures wrote:

NTA. I’ve been in a similar situation and handled it much worse lol. You could have handled it better by asking him to go somewhere else while you prepared food and you’d call him when the kitchen was vacant because you needed Space (physically and mentally), but it’s not some unforgivable sin to snap when you’re under pressure and feel like you’re losing your own space to your sister's boyfriend.

It might be worth having a chat with the boyfriend and letting him know how overwhelmed you are by all this (with as much or as little detail as you want), and that you’re feeling crowded - sometimes when we feel emotionally overwhelmed and like we’re suffocating, any physical imposition on our space is like someone is tightening the noose.

Let him know you don’t have a problem with him as a person (assuming you don’t), but if you are doing something in the kitchen or doing anything related to caring for your brother or parents, you’d rather be left alone.

It’s tough cause this is where parents can usually set something up and you’d have to listen to what they decide, but they’ve got enough going on. You and your sister both need to acknowledge that as a family you’re going through a really tough time and probably don’t have your usual levels of patience / tolerance, and are just trying to get through this. Maybe she needs him to help her get through it.

But there needs to be some communication between you two of what you can and can’t handle right now and trying to be respectful of each others emotional needs…which means she can’t call you a “mean bitter douchebag” because you told her boyfriend to gtfo. The whole two wrongs don’t make a right thing. Sorry, that got long. Best of luck to your brother and family.

After receiving a lot of feedback, OP jumped on with a big update.

Update: Thank you for all the advice everyone. I did end up talking to my dad. He came home and spoke to my sister's boyfriend. He told the boyfriend he needs to not come over before eleven in the morning or be here after seven at night. He also told the boyfriend he can't use our kitchen or let himself into the house.

He needs to knock and be let in, and when he is hungry he needs to go home to get food. My dad also put my brother's games in his room and told the boyfriend not to go into anyone's bedroom he hasn't been invited into. My sister was pretty upset about all of this, especially the rule saying he has to leave by seven PM.

My dad asked her if he's been sleeping over, and she swore up and down he wasn't. I don't think that's true, but it doesn't matter. My sister's boyfriend was pretty embarrassed and apologized to my dad, saying he didn't realize he was being a nuisance. My dad said it was fine and gave him a hug. I told him I was sorry I snapped at him, and we hugged it out too.

So I think everyone is good, even though my sister is pissed at me and my dad. My dad said she will be better off in the long run, because if she wants to see her boyfriend outside those hours she'll have to leave her room.

It sounds like, at the end of the day, everyone was able to communicate and make up, which is ideal in this situation.