Woman treated badly by stepdad won't help half sister with his end-of-life care.
AITA for not helping my sister with her father's end of life care?
I was a baby when my mom met my sister's dad. Something like 5 or 6 months old, not totally sure. He was straight up with her that I would not be important to him because I was someone else's daughter.
She was fine with that. Sounds like they moved in together within a few weeks of dating and he was never any kind of on with me. I was 4 when they had my sister Katie. They were married at this time too.
Katie was always the apple of her dad's eye. She and I had... a very off relationship. Sometimes we got along kind of okay, but I will pull back when she would start praising her dad and telling me how lucky *we* were to have him as *our* dad.
Even after her dad told her I was not his kid and she was the only person in the world who mattered to him, she would still bring him up to me as being amazing to us. Our mom was often around to tell me I needed to accept that I had a different dad to Katie and that needed to be okay.
She told me kids have different parents all the time and are still siblings and should be close.
Katie got everything while I got nothing. A fact that she would point out a lot. Why don't you have nice clothes, why don't you eat with us, why don't you come to the amusement park with me and dad, etc. She'd tell me to ask for it.
One time she followed me around all day to as 'dad' for new clothes and to get her off my back I did. He asked me why the hell I was asking him for anything and that was that. Katie said I gave up too easily.
When my mom got sick when I was 16 I decided it was time to speak the full truth to Katie so she would hopefully understand. She claimed that her dad was still my dad because he had raised me, and that I should still treat him like my dad. She was 100% dismissive of everything. She was 12 so understandable.
I moved out just before my 18th birthday and then mom died. It came as no surprise to me that I wasn't welcome. Katie wanted me there but her dad made it clear it was not the place for me, and to be honest I hated my mom, so I wasn't sad to miss the funeral.
Katie's dad was diagnosed with terminal lung disease and liver disease after not taking care of himself. I'm 24 and Katie is 20 and she called when they got the news saying we would need to help take care of him. I told Katie no way.
She said we can't just leave him. That we owe him better than to leave him to rot alone and unwanted. I told her I owe that man nothing. That he hated me and did nothing for me and I do not care to comfort him in his final months. She told me she could not do it alone.
I told her she would need to let others help her but I was not going to care for the man who verbally berated me for not being his when I had no choice in any of it. She called me selfish and said I should be doing it for her then, because she needs my help and I'm all she has in the world. AITA?
From the comments:
booksycat says:
I cannot imagine having a small child and KNOWINGLY entering a marriage with someone who has made it this clear that they will be emotionally and perhaps financially neglectful *at the best* NTA
Calm_Cover_3862 OP responded:
I see it as showing my mom didn't care about me. There is no other way for me to look at it. Not only was he clear he wouldn't be kind to me, but that it was not his job to pick me up if I fell, was not his job to feed or clothe me and that his money was not for me.
DinosaurDogTiger added:
I cannot even conceive being around a child...even a total stranger's child...and not immediately and instinctively doing things to help them if they have needs and are in my vicinity.
That level of cruelty is inhuman. I'm so sorry you had to spend your childhood like this.
Calm_Cover_3862 OP responded:
Thanks. Helping definitely wasn't something he would do for just anyone. Be it I was hungry and he was the only one around or if I couldn't reach the drink I wanted, he was never going to lift a finger for me. It was my normal.
somethingmichael asked:
NTA. Your mom and stepfather are AH. Did your stepfather ever adopt you legally?
Calm_Cover_3862 OP responded:
Nope. I think he would have died on the spot if the idea had even been suggested.
ineverupboat says:
NTA if you decide not to help, but this course of action will confirm, in his mind, that you were never really his daughter. He’ll die peacefully. Pro revenge would be to kill with kindness publicly but then undermine his legacy and whisper that shit in his ear as he fades.
Calm_Cover_3862 OP responded:
I was never his daughter. Ever. That man is no more my father than some random stranger on the street.
Fine_Prune_743 says:
NTA she was a kid when it happened but she is old enough to know better now. Your mother is the A for marrying this guy in the first. He stole your childhood and you owe him nothing. You owe her nothing as well
Calm_Cover_3862 OP responded:
I agree. I will never understand why my mom kept me if she didn't care about me enough to at least find a spouse who didn't despise my very existence.
Willing-Survey7448 says:
NTA: You owe neither of them anything. But if you haven't, please look into therapy. Not for her, or him--but so you can heal.
I had a life a lot like yours. Unloved, abused, and set aside for other siblings. It leaves a lifelong wound that takes a lot of work and growth to heal. The bitterness it comes with can poison every relationship you have.
Calm_Cover_3862 OP responded:
I went to therapy when I moved out. It's the only reason I was able to get on my feet today and not get washed away in my trauma.
ICantSayNTA says:
I may be TA myself but for me I would make one more appearance to this so-called man and say my peace. I would tell him how cruel he was to a child and that you wont think twice about him after that conversation.
I had to do that myself to ease the hatred I carried for my real father when he let his kids go just so he wouldn't have to pay child support and then tried to step back into my life after I was grown.