I will cut right to the chase. I 31f and have 3 kids from my previous relationship (he passed away 4 years ago). Met my now fiance 2 years ago and he has been great, but issues sparked up recently in the safety department of things.
He got a 30-40lb small breed dog last year from his mother for Christmas. That in itself wasn't a deal breaking issue despite none of us wanting a dog. The issue is he refuses to go out with me or the kids anymore without bringing the dog, where he proceeds to drive with her on his lap.
If this dog is not in his lap the dog starts whining like absolute crazy, and he just gives in and let's her sit in his lap. He has to lean backwards just so she isn't touching the steering wheel. There have been multiple times I have told him to stop doing this, because at this point he is putting all of our lives in danger. He will stop for a few weeks or so and then go right back to it.
So yesterday I absolutely had enough. I begged him to keep the dog home, but he refused because he wanted to stop off at the park and let the kids and the dog run off energy. On the way home (like 6 miles from home) the dog climbs on his lap. He allows it. I immediately say that he needs to stop.
He tells me I'm overthinking this, and need to live a little, that he isn't hurting anyone and that he's 'got this'. At one point snapping and saying 'we are almost f**king home, it's literally not a big deal'. So I told him to pull over and ended up taking me and my children out of the car to walk the rest of the way (at this point it was only roughly 2 miles away).
He stops a few times and tells us to get back in and I refused because that dog was still on his lap.
When we get home (after stopping with my kids for ice cream along the way) he goes up one side of me and the down the other, stating I'm petty and being controlling and whatever else.
At this point I told him that not only would me and my kids not be doing any family outings with him anymore, providing he brings his dog but we will also not be going anywhere with him unless I'm the one driving, which he absolutely hates because I 'don't drive fast enough' (meaning I go the speed limit, whereas he goes 60+mph).
I no longer feel I trust him with me or my children's safety when it comes to driving. He has not spoken to me since, and my best friend is saying my fiance is right and that I'm being a controlling AH because it's 'not hurting anything but my feelings'. AITA?
ETA: Another commenter told me I should add to the original post regarding how I have spoken to my fiance multiple times regarding the safety issue. I have all but begged him not to do this and this is the first time I have snapped.
However, with that said, my children's father died in a vehicle related accident, which makes my anxiety much worse regarding the issue. My fiance knows this.
Definitely YTA. Made your kids walk.. jfc. If you have that little faith in this man, why is he your fiance?
I'd rather make my children walk (considering they love walking) rather than have us all dead on the side of the street because my fiance goes 60+ mph while a dog is sitting on his steering wheel.
YTA - my mother drove for 15 years with a dog in her lap and nothing ever happened. The fact that you cant understand the dog is part of the family now and needs love and exercise too shows that you are the one with the problem.
Now if the dog getting in his lap was making him swerve or something it would be a different story, all he has to do is sit with his seat a bit back its fine.
The dog does make him swerve because she doesn't sit still and he goes 60+ mph everywhere. Ask for info next time.
ESH he shouldn’t drive with the dog on his lap but it also sounds like you are being petty and jealous of the dog. Why can’t you drive while he holds the dog?
Did you not read my post? Literally said I would be the one driving from now on and he threw a piss fit and is giving the silent treatment.
You said you would be driving but the dog wasn’t allowed to come at all. So yes I did read.
The dog doesn't need to be going on every family outting with us. Anyone who thinks that that's okay has mental health issues regarding their unhealthy attachment. A restaurant doesn't allow dogs.
You are NTA but I do have a suggestion for a possible quick solution if your husband still refuses to listen. Perhaps whoever is in the driver passenger seat (you) could instead have the dog on the lap
I have tried that. Due to his unhealthy attachment and anxiety that she now has due to his attachment, she won't go near me or the kids 9 times out of 10. Prior to her climbing on my husband's lap I was holding her on mine and she was losing her shit trying to get to him.
'You need to live a little.' This is literally what you are trying to do. NTA. The dog needs to be secured for its own safety as well as everyone else in the car.
My chihuahua was extremely anxious with terrible attachment issues due to his earlier life, and he just had to suck it up and ride in the back with a collar seatbelt because I preferred an alive dog to a dead one. It doesn't even matter if a dog never gets used to the rule, dogs do not get to make their own decisions regarding their safety.
If they get in an accident the dog will be crushed between him and the steering wheel.
NTA - Dogs (any animals) should be secured in a moving vehicle. If humans need to wear seatbelts, then animals need restraints, as they pose the same risk to themselves and others in a crash as people do.
And it’s illegal in some states and will still get him in trouble for distracted driving in the others, so even if he’s coming at it from an entirely selfish perspective (and it sounds like he probably would), he is risking his licence.