When a daughter felt abandoned by her mother after her dad's death, she separated herself physically and emotionally. But now, her mom is guilt tripping her over some *checks notes* good news.
So, she (u/Talyimiah) took to Reddit to ask:
AITA (Am I the as*hole) for not telling my mom I got full ride scholarship to college?
I (18f) stopped living at my mom's when I was 17. She and I do not have a very good relationship and has become more strained over the years.
The trouble started when I was 8 and my mom started dating her husband. I was several months out from losing my dad and when she introduced me to her husband (then boyfriend) I was honest that I did not like her dating.
She told me I would come around. But within four months, left me with a cousin and got engaged to him while his kids were present. I found out because my cousin got a text with a photo of them and the news had already gone around the rest of my mom's family and her husband's family.
Then I was the last person to find out about her being pregnant two years after that point. Her stepson who was 15 at the time decided he would taunt me with the news and saying how mom had fully replaced my dad and I was next. I don't think he actually saw it that way, but he knew that's how I felt about mom being remarried.
Apparently they were all taken by their dad to be told while mom was telling her family. I think it was like a week later when he taunted me over it.
They did attempt to include me in stuff but because I wasn't into it that was kind of just left to be it's own thing. Mom pulled away from me and would then feel bad and try to bond.
Eventually I just decided I had lost her because I couldn't blend with her husband and his kids, and because she would always resent me for that, the way I resented her for moving so fast after dad and putting everyone before me, I moved in with my dad's parents.
This is where I was when I applied for college and stuff and I got the scholarship. I never told my mom. We didn't talk for months. It's only after I started college last week that she had reached out to my grandparents about something and she found out.
She was upset, furious, all the stuff and she asked how I could leave her out of something so huge because she would have celebrated the news with me. I told her I didn't really consider her part of my life anymore and just like she had moved on with her life away from me, I had done the same away from her.
She told me it was different and I was being cruel. Her husband took over and demanded I go to them and discuss everything 'as a family' so that my mom could have the life she deserves and have her kid treat her right instead of being selfish and spoiled.
I never set out to hurt my mom. But I did stop thinking about her role in my life after I moved out. AITA (Am I the as*hole)?
Reddit ruled an angry yet heartfelt NTA (Not the as*hole).
'so that my mom could have the life she deserves and have her kid treat her right instead of being selfish and spoiled.'
That right there says it all. It still isn't about you. She / they are still only thinking of themselves and how DARE you not submit to them?! NTA OP, I hope you you have a good time at college!
Yeah, Stepdad sounds like a piece of work. 'What's that? You put in the effort to get a full-ride scholarship to college? How selfish and spoiled you must be.' It's clear that neither of them intended to put up money for college if OP had already started by the time they found out, and then they chose to be mad about it rather than happy for her. Interesting emotional choice, to say the least.
I guess Mom and Step-dad do not understand the definition of 'spoiled'. Working hard for a scholarship and then not taking money from them in college is the exact opposite of spoiled.
If step-dad had said 'disrespectful', I still wouln't agree with it, but at least it would make sense. The fact that he's using the word 'spoiled' means he deosn't have any real arguments, and is just repeating all the typical complaints that he sees of millenials and Gen-Z.
Also, I think the mom has the life that she deserves, and that doesn't include OP. 🤷♀️ She kept you out of the loop for more than a decade, and let your stepbrother taunt you - I don't think you owe her anything.
Tell her you will gladly meet up with her if she comes to see you at your college town, and talk things out, but that meeting will be 1:1 and not include anyone from her new family - don't agree to a meeting where you will be outnumbered and shouted down, and no one will listen to a word you say.
OP, I would be polite and move on with your life. If pressed, I'd say, 'It's been made clear that I'm not an important part of your lives. I heard about engagements, pregnancies, and important life events second-hand, so it shouldn't be a surprise that's the relationship we have.' NTA.
Congratulations on your scholarship, I know that must have taken some work. It’s interesting that your mom is upset not to know about your scholarship, but had no discussion with you about your plans after graduation.
That seems so basic a discussion, hey what are your plans? Communication is a two way street. If this assumption is correct, she never asked you your plans, then NTA.
And OP responded!
We hadn't talked in months so no, she never asked me plans for college or anything. Not recently anyway. When I was 15 we got into a fight about it but otherwise nothing.
If you hear about your child's major accomplishment and your first reaction is to get mad? You're probably the AH.