For some context, I (25F) have an older sister (33), we’ll call her Jane. She lives in England, while I live in Australia.
We are both married, but Jane is in a more “traditional” relationship where despite also working full time, she is the expected to take on 99% of the childcare and household chores.
My relationship is not like this at all. My husband and I don’t don’t have children yet but we both work full time, and we have always split home duties equally. We both do laundry, make dinner, do dishes, etc.
It has been an ongoing joke with my sister for years that my husband spoils me. He does, don’t get me wrong, but when she says it, she means for helping out around the house. Comments like, “Brad made dinner? That must be nice.” “Did you just say Brad folded the laundry? Do you do anything?”
I have always just let these comments go because I feel bad for her that she sees a partner being a contributing member of the household as a luxury.
Our mum passed away recently and Jane has been staying with me for a few weeks to be home for the funeral and proceedings. After staying with me for a few days, the comments started up but I just let them go because I didn’t want to add more conflict when we’re both grieving.
The problem started tonight when I had just gotten out of the shower. I heard my husband get home from grocery shopping, and Jane offered to help him put things away. He declined and said he was okay. She said “OP is so lucky to have you. My husband would carry the shopping in but expects me to put it away.” My husband sounded so awkward and simply said that sucks.
I had gotten dressed by this point, and as I was walking out I heard my sister say “I really don’t think OP deserves you. You do so much around the house for her and where is she? You’ve done the shopping and are putting it away by yourself while she showers. Imagine how happy you could be with someone who treated you like a king?”
I stormed out and absolutely lost it. I basically said that if she wanted to f**k my husband she should just come out and say it instead of beating around the bush.
She ran to her room in tears and now I feel like I took it too far. AITA?
Questions, answers and comments:
Philip_J_Fry3000 says:
YTA, you don't make a loaded charge like that unless you have proof even if she clearly has boundary issues.
dontyelliwillcry OP responded:
I think I took her comment imagine how happy you’d be with someone who treated you like a king as her saying SHE could be the one to do that. Lost my cool.
Neither-Entrance-208 says:
Are there no hotels in the area? No short term occupancy Airbnb? Pay for a night. Or she can find somewhere else to crash. No reason to subject your husband to her unwanted and unwarranted behavior. Just because the genders are reversed, you husband should not be subjected to undesired attention. Your sister is a creep.
Sorry for your loss, but she's bounded right over a clear line and boundary. Grief doesn't excuse causing others that discomfort in their own home.
dontyelliwillcry OP responded:
My husband did make the point of saying that if it were me being cornered by my BIL, it would be seen as way more of an issue.
It’s just more complicated than finding her temporary accommodation because she has her young son here as well, and doesn’t drive, so would really struggle to get around.
mh6797 says:
NTA she pushed too far. She’s jealous of your relationship and is trying to sabotage yours.
dontyelliwillcry OP responded:
This is genuinely how I feel.
mm172 says:
NTA, but I don’t think this is actually about your husband. It’s about the fact Jane is miserable in her marriage and taking it out on you. That’s not your problem to fix, especially if she refuses to admit it, but the next time she comes after you for not doing enough, ask her where she got the idea guys putting in effort was unusual and why she’s not going after that person instead.
dontyelliwillcry OP responded:
Now that I’ve cooled down, I think you are 100% correct. I lost it because I’ve been hearing these comments for a while, but to hear her saying directly to my husband when I’m not around, made me so angry. I can definitely see the truth in this.