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Woman blames MIL for wife's death; bans her from funeral and seeing grandchild.

Woman blames MIL for wife's death; bans her from funeral and seeing grandchild.

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My (32F) wife (30F) passed away in childbirth about three months ago. Obviously, a sperm donor was involved, but the problem from the start was that neither of us wanted biological children, and intended to adopt

Her mother had always been very adamant that she wanted biological grandchildren, and despite insisting that she wasn't homophobic, was furious when we got married and spent years demanding my wife have a child via sperm donor.

Finally, my wife gave in because she had no health problems and was told it would be a safe pregnancy. Everything was fine until the birth itself.

Because I believe her mother is responsible for her death, I informed her that she would not be told where the funeral is taking place (it was a small, private service, after which I and my brother-in-law scattered her ashes in her favorite place), she would not be invited, and she would be told to leave should she try to show up, and the same goes for her husband.

I have also made it clear that they will never have any contact with our daughter. I am considering filing a restraining order to keep her safe. They're furious and I have blocked their numbers, but fortunately most of my in-laws agree with my decision. My brother-in-law has completely cut contact with them.

They didn't come to the funeral, but have since been telling everyone they know that I'm a heartless monster who denied them closure and I'm denying them access to their granddaughter out of spite.

I've lost some friends over this, and my mother is saying that even if they're terrible people, they deserved a chance to tell their daughter goodbye. AITA?

EDITS because several people are asking:

When I say that my wife 'finally' decided to carry a child: she maintained for years that she wanted to adopt when we were older and more financially secure. She was always clear that she never wanted to be pregnant.

When we started seriously talking about adopting, four years ago, her mother began calling, texting, and dropping by to visit several times a week to guilt-trip and harass her into carrying a child. 'Finally' means she gave into pressure after four years.

When my wife announced our engagement, her father initially refused to attend the wedding. He did end up coming, but he did not walk her down the aisle. He has spoken to me a handful of times in the 8 years we've been married. I have never been invited to their house.

BIL was low-contact with them already, due to emotional abuse in his adolescence. From my understanding, my wife was the 'golden child' and felt pressured to live up to their expectations.

To people asking what my wife would want: I don't know. I can't ask her. What I know is that these people relentlessly pressured her into carrying a child, have been nothing but cold to me, and have gone on Facebook rants about how children need a mother and a father to raise them.

While my wife was pregnant, her mother kept talking about her moving back in with them so they could help with the baby, asking who the baby's 'father figure' would be, and even drunkenly suggested my wife try to meet the sperm donor to see if 'you two hit it off'.

Comments:

MasochistMisery says:

Can you imagine how different the situation would be if the parents actually effd off and respected their child? They'd get BOTH a grandchild (maybe even more than one) AND a living daughter! The child would get TWO happy parents!

Mouse-Rude says:

First off, I’m so sorry for your loss, and I wish you and your daughter great strength moving forward and mourn your wife/her mother <3

From everything you wrote and the fact that BIL has gone no contact tells me that your ILs were really wretched to you and their daughter. I won’t lie to you - keeping parents from a child’s funeral is generally a reprehensible action. That was a very cold, vengeful thing you did……but I would have done the same.

Alternative-Rub-7445 says:

Your in laws did not cause your wife’s death. Childbirth is incredibly dangerous and even with the best intentions it can go wrong. Your wife made a choice, & even if you think it was the wrong one, it was the one she made.

Anger is a normal part of grieving. I would find it hard to be around your in laws if I were you but their child is dead, and I couldn’t imagine being denied the chance to say goodbye. You can’t get a restraining order on behalf of you and your daughter because they haven’t made threats to nor harmed you.

Sorry for your loss. I can’t call you an AH though because this is just terrible, so NAH

RB1327 says:

NAH or maybe ESH, because everyone here is acting unreasonably out of grief.

Your spouse made her own decision to carry a child, it's a little insulting for you to suggest otherwise. If she maintained her relationship with her mother throughout all that, then it seems wrong for you to decide to cut her parents out of their grandchild's life.

millac7 says:

YTA

Your wife was a grown ass adult who made the decision to get pregnant. It involved a ton of steps and couldn't be done accidentally in her case, so she had many, many, many opportunities to change her mind.

Presumably, she fully intended to love and want the child she was going to have, otherwise she would be a monster. She could have ignored her parents and gone ahead with adoption, but she didn't.

So no, it was not their fault she died nor are they 'responsible for her death.' Your wife chose this path, and there was an unfortunate medical situation no one could have predicted. It was no one's fault.

So yes, you have been an asshole in your grief.

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