Older parents demand to move in with daughter; she says go to 'senior housing.'
'AITA for being upfront and telling my parents that I am putting them in a home?'
My family is from South Asia but we live in the States. My parents loved my older brother and tolerated me. They expected me to just stay home and take care of them and my brother.
That wasn't for me. I got a partial scholarship to a state school and GTFO. I worked the four years of my undergrad and was fortunate enough to get a full scholarship for my after degree. So I graduated university with only a small debt and two degrees.
I found a career that I really enjoy and a husband who loves me.
My parents paid for my brother's education and he does very well for himself. But he has chosen to have five children. And they all go to private school and have all kinds of extra curricular activities.
And his wife is a SAHM even though they have a nanny. I know five young children would be difficult to manage. I'm just saying that she has a degree as well but they have chosen to be a one income household.
We are expecting our first child. We waited a few years before deciding to start our family. We will be stopping at two and my husband will be getting a vasectomy afterwards. We are very much in agreement about our future.
My parents however have decided that they are going to sell their home and come live with us. We have a large property with an in-law suite in a HCOL (high cost of living) city on the west coast.
I told my husband that I did not want them living with us and he concurred. So I told them no. They said that they already listed their home and that a dutiful daughter would take care of her parents in their old age. I said that if they gave me all the money from the sale of their home I would find them a nice retirement home where they could live and that I would pay the bills until they passed away.
They didn't like that idea very much. They called me an ungrateful child and that it was expected of me.
I sent them a check for one year's worth of rent, food, utilities, and sundries. I said I moved out one year after I turned 18 and that they were responsible for me up to that point. I then told them not to contact me again without going through my lawyer.
I have been playing whack a mole blocking all of their attempts to reach me. And all of the family members both in the States and back home that are calling me an asshole.
My brother contacted me and said that I was making the family look bad by not taking them in. So I gave him the choice of either taking them in himself or never bringing it up to me again or I would be going NC with him as well.
So was I too harsh? And does that make me an asshole?
I should probably add that they didn't approve of me marrying a person not from their culture and religion. So they didn't contribute to our wedding even though they did attend.
Comments:
liss1313 asks:
Did they accept the money you sent them for the one year that you lived with them past 18? If so, they are beyond awful. I’m sorry your parents are like this.
Perfect-Orchid7421 OP says:
They did.
Particular-Grape5731 asks:
INFO: are your parents currently in the same country as you?
Perfect-Orchid7421 OP says:
Yes
kaaresjoe says:
NTA. I would pay money to read every single update on this story, just so you know. But don't be surprised if they just show up and try to force this.
Perfect-Orchid7421 OP responded:
I have already given their information to the guards at the gate to our community. They are not moving in here.
YeeHawMiMaw says:
It seems a bit harsh, because you have not enumerated all of their transgressions, but have moved straight to NC. I think you may get a few Y T A comments because of that. I will, however give you the benefit of the doubt as neither do you lay out any small insults as justification.
Perfect-Orchid7421 OP responded:
My parents are in their sixties. I didn't really feel like airing too much dirty laundry. But suffice it to say that I was a servant in their home from childhood.
catculture8 says:
Being from a south Asian country, totally get what you are going through. Unfortunately extended families will always take the side of parents because that's how it is. Parents are gods and nobody can live their lives without them controlling it. I hope you have friends who have your back. stay firm. All the best for your growing family. NTA.
Perfect-Orchid7421 OP responded:
I am not part of that community. All of my friends are from university or met through my husband who is South American.
CatastrophicHeadache says:
NTA - DNA doesn't entitle anyone to anything you don't want to give.
math1985 says:
This might be your moral judgement, but note that legally this is not true universally. There are countries, for example in Eastern Europe, where there is a legal obligation to take care of your parents.
villa4est says:
Well, i am from Eastern Europe (one of those countries) and that is NOT THAT SIMPLE. You are under obligation to take care of your parents IF THEY CAN NOT take care of themselves (or have someone else do it for a fee). So the example she gave would be perfectly LEGAL.
CatastrophicHeadache says:
Yes, but these people live in the US where you don't have to. No one should have to take care of someone they don't want to care for, it's a recipe for disaster and abuse.
DoesntLikeTurtles says:
NTA. Girl, you’re handling your shit like a champ! You’re freaking heroic!
Bubbly-Wallaby-2777 says:
I came to write that op is a flipping rock star. Tell them you reap what you sow. They paid for bare minimum and are not owed anything.
Floriane007 says:
Yes! Sending them the check... That's genius. And the lawyer thing. And telling the brother he could take care of them if family is so important. Gold medal, OP. You're an inspiration to us all. NTA