Woman refuses to let husband's father move in after his mother dies. AITA?
'AITA For refusing to let my husband move his father into our home?'
My husband's (40M) mom passed away late last year. It was very hard on him and his father. The holidays were rough. My husband is still struggling and I've been doing my best to be kind, supportive, and understanding.
But he's been less attentive with our 3 kids (14F, 12M, & 9M) and I'm pretty sure he's struggling at work too but he won't admit it. He started therapy about a month ago and is going once a week.
A couple weeks ago he brought up to me that he wants to move his dad (75M) into our house. He said that his dad is struggling too and that being in the house he shared with his wife the past 50-years isn't doing him any good.
He had an entire plan laid out so it was obvious to me that he's been planning this for a while without talking to me about it.
He wants to move his dad into the room that we had just moved our middle child into last summer. Before that, our 2 youngest were sharing a room so we did some renovations to make an extra bedroom so all our kids could have their own space.
He wants to force our 2 youngest to share a room again so his dad can move in. He also wants to talk to his dad about putting their house on the market or possibly renting it out, which means FIL would be here long-term.
After he laid out his plan, he asked me what I thought and I told him my immediate reaction is 'No.'
I told him that barely any time has passed since his mom's death and it's too soon to make such drastic changes in everyone's lives. I told him his dad will get better with time and we all just need to take a step back and not rush into any decisions.
He was not happy with my response and kept asking for specific reasons other than 'not enough time has passed.'
I suggested that we look into different housing options for his dad if he's uncomfortable in his home, which I get. His dad has enough money saved to afford a good retirement home or smaller condo, which would allow everyone to still have their own space. He didn't like that idea either because it would mean his dad is still living alone.
I'll admit, there are reasons I didn't tell him. Seeing my husband deal with his grief has been hard, especially since it's effecting his ability to be present with me and the kids. I really don't want a second grieving man in our house.
I also really don't want to kick our middle child out of the room that we just made specifically for them. That isn't fair to them. But I know if I tell my husband this, he's going to think I'm being selfish, and maybe I am.
FIL currently lives about 3 hours away so visiting him is difficult. We also live in a pretty rural area and the nearest town with respectable retirement homes is over an hour away, so even that option isn't ideally close, but it's still closer.
I know it sounds selfish, but I just don't think I could handle 2 grieving men in my home. I can barely handle one right now.
Here is what people had to say:
YTA You seem to never once realize that your husband isn't just grieving for his mom, he's worried his dad might join her. He's 75 and alone, three hours away from what sounds like his only family. Most of his friends are probably dead or dying.
Talk about doing another renovation and adding another room. Rent or buy an RV and park it on your property. There are possibilities that you seem to be avoiding even considering. Let's hope you are never in the position of your FIL.
It would really suck to be stuffed into a retirement home and forgotten in your final years, wouldn't it? And don't even try to pull the 'We'll totally visit him' because we both know that will never happen. Something else will always come up to prevent the hour drive to see him in the retirement home.
But what really gets me is the idea that you think shared grief makes grieving harder rather than easier. Where the actual eff did you ever get that idea?
If I had to choose, I'd say you're closer to the a**hole line by a few inches. I understand your reluctance but shutting it down with a 'no' is not going to do your marriage any favor, your husband clearly sees you are not telling the whole truth since he's asking for the real reasons.
Saying to your husband that his father just needs more time is not going to help when he's 75yo. To put it bluntly, he probably doesn't have time to mourn and get over it. You don't have to move your FIL in your kid's bedroom but you do need to hear your husband and find a solution.
I'm stereotyping, but what are the odds that the FIL relied on his wife for cooking and housework, and would transfer that expectation to OP?
I cannot believe anyone is saying Y T A to not wanting your FIL to move in permanently. We don't even know he would want that. Living with someone, never mind pushing your kids back into sharing a room indefinitely, is a big deal.
Hard NTA. I think you all having a discussion about him selling up and buying a smaller place nearby is a way better option.
Yours is a very American response and it doesn't surprise me that it's similar to the guy whose wife died and he decided against her wishes to not take in her parents. YTA, buck up. Life comes at you hard and it's in these times you are tested.
You are failing. Putting yourself and your convenience first instead of your family and then acting like it's because you are selflessly putting your children's needs first.
Here is an opportunity to teach your kids how a family operates in crisis instead of watching their grandparent wither and die by themselves.
He's 75 years old. If he moves in now and sells his place, the husband is signing up his wife to become a full time caretaker and a full time nurse.
She'll have to buy him groceries, cook his meals, do his laundry, be his maid, drive him to his appointments, be his minder, etc. And keep in mind, she's already taking care of five people (herself included, her grieving husband, who isn't doing much himself right now, and 3 children).
But past a certain point, she'll have to do much more than that, and at that point, she won't have a choice anymore. That's the crux of the matter. If she accepts this decision now, it's most likely a permanent obligation until the FIL dies.
She'll have to lift him, change his bed pan, keep track of his medication, give him sponge baths, take him to the bathroom, wipe his ass, become his therapist, and the list goes on and on (and all of that without any training and without the possibility of quitting).
It's a huge ask for someone who was never raised by that man, and who never planned on becoming a caretaker, an orderly, or a nurse. NTA