'AITA for how I responded to my BIL's request to pay him back for a 'family' trip?'
"AITA for how I responded to my BIL's request to pay him back for a 'family' trip?"
My husband and I are quite well off and childfree by choice. Neither of us was born into a particularly wealthy family, but we both prioritized learning to manage our finances and have invested a lot of effort into our careers.
My husband’s brother (I’ll call him Sam) ended up in a tight situation 5 years ago, he had an a#$oh*l problem to begin with, and then his GF accidentally got pregnant and they had twins to deal with - and they were barely managing to afford the rent on a 1 bedroom with a roommate. Plus student loan debt.
My husband wanted to help his brother, because his parents couldn’t really afford to, and I was okay with it because we did have money to spare, and I really did feel for them. We supported them for almost a year - they lived with us, and once Sam recovered from his problems and they moved out, we still gave them significant financial help.
Over the last few years, they’ve been doing better and better - they have paid off most of their debt and own a small home. A few weeks ago, they invited us on vacation with them - I was happy to see the twins after so long, and my husband was happy to spend some time with his brother.
It was a week-long stay at a nice resort, and I was surprised and pleased that they’d gone from no cash at all to being able to afford a holiday for 6 people. Two days after we got home, Sam sent me a message saying that we should pay $1500 for our share of the trip. I was shocked, because they didn’t say anything about us paying when they invited us.
It also seemed strange that they’d split the cost including both of our airfares, when my husband and I live much closer to the destination and had much lower airfare costs than Sam’s family did. I wrote back saying that we would not be paying because we thought they were inviting us as family, and not as paying guests.
I said they should have mentioned us paying our share before the trip if they wanted to. He wrote back quite angrily and said family is all very well, but family doesn’t mean you can take advantage of someone’s kindness. This rubbed me the wrong way, so I went through some of our old financial records and sent him an estimate of how much we’d spent on his family over the years.
I said if you don’t want to take advantage of anyone’s kindness, then please start paying us back for all this and we’ll pay for the vacation. He didn’t respond, but apparently called and yelled at my husband over the whole thing. My husband thinks I was needlessly petty and that it was cruel of me to rub it in their faces that they needed help from us “a long time ago.”
He says we should just pay and forget about it, because it’s selfish of me to expect them to feel like they owe us for something we did of our own free will. And it’s true that I would be less annoyed about them asking us to pay, if not for how much we helped them in the past. Am I the AH for “holding this over their head?"
The internet had lots to say.
EntrepreneurOk249 wrote:
NTA. If he wanted y'all to go Dutch, he could have said so upfront. He didn't. Also, he wants you to split his airfare costs? Hell no. He sees you and your husband as a piggy bank if he couldn't handle the scorekeeping (which is what he did when asking for reimbursement AFTER the fact).
Also, 5 years isn't "a long time ago". That's still pretty fresh. Moral of the story for him: Don't invite people to a vacation you can't afford. If he wanted to split the cost he needed to communicate that upfront.
KMK_Direct wrote:
NTA. I was going to say ESH, but changed my mind the more I thought about why he didn’t tell you he expected you and your husband to pay ahead of time. It seems to me he was basically trying to get you and your husband to subsidize his family’s vacation.
West_Guarantee284 wrote:
ESH I am constantly amazed at the amount of people who don't have an upfront conversation about money and paying their way. My friend invites me to the cinema, I expect to pay for my ticket and ask how much I owe for the ticket. If I invite someone somewhere and expect them to pay their share I say, "do you want to do xyz, it's £50?" So they know the cost and expectation to pay.
Or I'd say "my treat" if it's nbd and I'm covering it. Sounds like your BIL has conveniently forgotten what you've done for him in the past but you also can't spring a $1500 bill on someone after the event. You know he doesn't have a lot of money and thought it odd he could afford a holiday for 6 and never thought to ask how much it'd cost you.
Cocoasneeze wrote:
NTA. It seems like Sam is trying to get you to pay more than your share of the trip, and when you just didn't agree to, he went to a "moral tangent" he had no right to. I think you need to firmly discuss this with your husband and clear the air with him.
Explain to him how his brother's "families shouldn't take advantage of each other" rubbed you the wrong way, and how him not making it clear from the start, that you'd have to pay, also rubbed you the wrong way. And yes, Sam owes you a lot for how much you have helped him, and he should show gratitude instead of shouting at you.
[deleted]
If money and family don’t mix then by his own admission he owes you money back. Love that it’s also after the fact. Stick to your guns. (Sounds like your husband needs to get a backbone too).