Woman snaps at mom for taking 5-year-old son to grave of decades old miscarriage. UPDATED.

Teaching children about death and grief is an important part of parenting.

Everyone is going to navigate death in their lifetime, and having it normalized and demystified can help lighten the burden of shock when it starts happening around you. However, given how heavy and scary of a topic it can be, it's important to keep conversations age appropriate so kids don't get overwhelmed.

In a popular post on the AITA subreddit, a woman asked if she was wrong for snapping at her mom after she told her five-year-old about a miscarriage.

She wrote:

AITA for telling my mom she can’t talk to my kid about her miscarriage and take him to the grave?

I (28F) have a son (5M). I was adopted and grew up the consolation prize for the miscarriage my mom (68F) had at 20 weeks. We had to go to this fetuses’ grave every year. One of my earliest memories was her forcing me to give my favorite stuffed rabbit to the grave.

I grew up with her venting about how hard the miscarriage was to me, and I honestly think it was super inappropriate and it made me feel like a second option to what she actually wanted. I obviously was never good enough. I recently found out that she took my son to the fetuses grave and told him about it.

I told her that’s an off-limits topic and he has no business hearing about her miscarriage at five years old. Now some people in my life are saying I am an ah for telling my mom she couldn’t tell my son about his dead aunt, but I think I’m justified in not wanting him to have to hear about it too. It was literally 30 years ago. Am I the @$$hole?

People rushed to the comment section to share their opinions.

Catherine16783 wrote:

NTA Your mum spent years trauma dumping on you and now she is trying to do it to your son. Your 5 year-old is not her therapist.

ReverendSpith wrote:

NTA! First and foremost, 5 is a bit early to start talking about dead people he's never met. Second, and as important, YOU are the parent, SHE is GrandMa; babysit and spoil the child, but she does NOT get to decide when kid is ready for different benchmarks in growing up. Bottom line is, YOUR child, YOUR rules. If she doesn't agree, she doesn't get to be alone with him.

MysticYoYo wrote:

NTA. Everyone is entitled to grieve for a loved one, but your mom is obsessed with grieving for the baby she miscarried over 40 years ago. I was in my teens when I found out that my mother miscarried my parent’s first baby and third baby (overheard my dad say something so I asked my mom about it).

I can’t imagine what it would’ve been like to grow up being dragged to their grave sites. If your mother is still full of sorrow, she needs grief counseling, but you are right to limit your son’s exposure to her obsession.

Unguest wrote:

NTA. Your mother has unresolved trauma. As a fellow adoptee, I'm really sorry you had to grow up with this dysfunction, which sounds like it resulted in your own trauma. You can break the cycle right now by limiting your child's contact with your mother and always supervising. Sending you the best.

TheBlindNeo wrote:

The aunt died before OP was ever even born, and had to go visit the grave. It's been thirty damn years, and the grandma is trying to force a THIRD generation to mourn someone who was never. Even. Born. The grandma needs serious psychological help, because even three decades later, it sounds like she's still obsessed and has yet to let go or even start to heal.

And honestly, if I was OP I'd cut all access to my child until the grandma has been to see a therapist with noticeable improvements for at least a year. She's not healthy, and this is very likely to mess with OP'S child. OP'S. NOT the adopted mother's.

After receiving lots of support, OP jumped on with an update.

Edit: Thank you so much everyone for the support, I was somewhat gaslit for my whole childhood and this thread has really helped me to see how messed up it really was that she consistently trauma dumped on me and put her grief on me during my childhood. I’m definitely going to consider going LC, and if my son tells me she’s brought it up again likely NC.

Clearly, OP is NTA, and her mom has lots to work through.