Woman tells stepmom she's a 'better woman' than her, mentions fertility issues. AITA?
Fighting fire with fire can be deeply satisfying, but sometimes it creates such an explosion of emotion it backfires and you wish you poured water on the flames.
In a popular post on the AITA subreddit, a woman asked if she was wrong for giving her stepmom a taste of her own medicine. She wrote:
"AITA for telling my stepmother that by her standards I am better than her?"
It sounds weird and I may very well be the AH, but I’m not sure I regret it even so.
Background: My mom died when I was 4. My dad remarried when I was 7. We’ll call my stepmother Sheila.
Sheila is the personification of the tradwife trope and while she’s not Quiverful movement, she comes from a similar background. Basically, her entire self-worth is wrapped up in how many kids she has and how nice her house is kept. She has a lot of disdain for “career women,” especially unmarried, childless ones. Needless to say, I do not like or agree with Sheila and I have no idea what my dad sees in her.
My mom was the opposite. My teenage years were one long, constant argument because (1) I have refused numerous times to be adopted by Sheila, (2) I have 6 half-siblings and I refused to help her raise them, and (3) I am pretty much everything Sheila disapproves of. My dad tried to mediate as best he could but it was a difficult situation. Needless to say, I do not go home often.
I keep in contact with my dad, but I ignore anything from Sheila unless it’s an emergency. I completed my surgical residency not long ago, so I took some time off for a vacation and a quick visit with my dad before I really get stuck into my practice. I agreed to come to their house for a cookout, knowing that I would probably be annoyed but it was something nice my dad wanted to do for me.
Now, I don’t have children or a partner. I love my career and I like being solo. Still, when I was in undergrad I figured if I’m not going to use my eggs, someone might as well get some use out of them. So I did 3 rounds of egg donations and put the money towards med school. As a result at last report I have 8 biological offspring.
Sheila decided to start her usual “When are you going to settle down?” nonsense, and I was set to ignore her as usual, but then she said “Don’t think you’re better because you have money, a woman’s worth is in her home and children.”
I said, “Well, that would mean I’m still better than you because I have more bio-children than you do, a nice home, AND a successful career. She just stared at me for a minute and left. She didn’t come back outside while I was there. My dad called later to ask what happened and said that even though she shouldn’t have started the conversation in the first place, it was a low blow.
She couldn’t have more children after the last one, and she was very upset to be reminded of that, plus she has always thought that I look down on her. I do, but not because of her lifestyle choice, more so because she’s so judgmental about it herself. Anyway, my dad wants me to apologize. A couple of the older half-siblings have sent me radioactive texts about it.
I think she walked into that one, but given her fertility issues and knowing how much self-concept she has wrapped up in a big family, it might have been a little over the line. AITA?
People kept it real about how they would've handled the situation.
UnicornPanties wrote:
NTA - are you suggesting somewhere I can get "better" points for my donor egg babies? i must say, 8 is very impressive, kudos!
SpaceJesusIsHere wrote:
"If she didn't want a measuring stick used to measure her, she should stop measuring me with that stick. I said nothing to her she didn't say to me. If she thinks it's rude when said to her, then she should stop talking to others that way. Moving forward I'll continue treating everyone in my life with the same level of respect they offer me." NTA.
concretism wrote:
Nope. She called you worthless.
"Dad, your wife has told me why she views me as worthless for most of my life. Why are you okay with that? If you want me to apologize for finally snapping, she needs to stop speaking to me as though I am nothing. If you believe in respect and apologies, lead the way." NTA.
boffeeman had a question:
INFO: have you had this conversation with her before about what you want in life? Did you explain to her that you love what you do and kids aren't in the cards for you? If this is a conversation that has already happened multiple times...NTA.
She needs to mind her own business to be honest. Her single-minded way of thinking is what I assume is the reason why you two never had a good relationship.
OP responded:
I’ve known what I wanted in life since I was 10, so this is a conversation that was hashed over often basically as soon as I hit puberty and all the way through college and med school.
justify_it wrote:
....Congrats OP! On completing your residency, your generosity and for slaying the Dragon Lady! After a lifetime of listening to her BS you finally shut her down for good...I'm so proud of you! Anyone saying you should apologize needs to be asked when she will apologize for starting it in the first place.
I know you love your Dad but he's allowed this to carry on for decades when it should have been shut down when you were a child. IDK if I could keep giving him a pass for that. Ignore the criticism by the halves, it is not constructive or merited. Nature decided to limit her gene pool and it knows best. NTA keep being you, just the way you are because you are stellar.
OP is NTA here, she stood up for herself and gave herself the support she's needed all along.