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Woman tells parents she won't care for disabled brother if they pass because of career. AITA?

Woman tells parents she won't care for disabled brother if they pass because of career. AITA?


It's important to be honest with yourself and others about where you can see your life going, but that doesn't mean it's always easy.

In a popular post on the AITA subreddit, a woman asked if she was wrong for telling her parents she doesn't want to take care of her brother if they pass away. She wrote:

"AITA for saying to my parents that I won't give up my career and look after my brother once they've gone?"

Last week my parents phoned me asking me to come down the Friday just gone as they want to talk to me about something important and they'd prefer to do it face to face. I agreed and came down Friday and we talked. My parents said that they've been delaying doing their wills for so long and decided it's finally time to get their affairs in order.

I have a brother who's older than me, but he's autistic and I don't know if non-verbal is the right word as he can only say a few words like mom and dad and although he's 26 it's more like he's a ten-year-old if that makes sense.

My parents told me they've got some sort of plan to go into the will and they've said their plan is if one of them were to die first then my brother will live with the lone parent part-time and a care home/assisted facility part-time to give the lone parent a break.

Then if the lone parent dies the plan is for my brother to come and live with me and they will set some sort of trust up so that each month whatever he is inherits goes into living costs for example if he inherited $100,000.00 (not the actual amount) a trust would have been set up and $1,000.00 comes out each month to cover his living costs.

Why I said my brother has the mind of a ten-year-old is because he can't do anything without the help of our parents like getting him dressed, cleaned and ready and helping him with tasks and activities. My family members take it turns at the weekend to have him so my parents can have a break to relax and recuperate.

I know it's wrong of me and I shouldn't be but I'm not an emotional person and I'm not sympathetic as well. I said to my parents that I'm not giving up my career to look after him and when they both die I won't be taking him in. My brother and 's sibling relationship is non-existent and I also don't feel equipped to look after him I am an honest person and will say that to me he would feel like a massive burden.

I voiced my reasoning to my parents and I thought they would be more understanding I basically feel he's better off in a place where people can actually help him and know what they're doing. I'm just not prepared to give up my career or anything for him.

I also stated to my parents I'm more than happy to give up my half of the inheritance so the money can go on making sure he's looked after like setting up a trust fund so if they died and he went into assisted living facility his bills are paid and there's an allowance for him each month. My parents are completely upset with me and are disappointed in me for this.

I feel justified but now I'm wondering if I've been a total b#$ch and an AH when it's come to this.

People responded with their thoughts.

Heloise_Morris wrote:

NTA Your parents have plenty of time to research facilities and programs for your brother's long term care. They also have time to set up a trust with trustees or guardian. To make sure no one is abusing the trust and misusing the money designated for your brother's care, you may want to consider being one of the trustees.

It's unfair to expect you to pick up the pieces especially since your brother could be transitioning now when your parents are well and able to oversee his care.

nooutlaw4me wrote:

NTA. My 23 year old son is autistic and I also have a 26 year old non special needs daughter who no longer lives at home.

I have made it quite clear to her that he will not have to come live with her down the line. She might be his legal representative but not his primary care giver. He is going to have to go live in a group home. Also is your brother getting any money from the government? Your parents need to be on top of that. Where do you live?

palpatineforever wrote:

NTA, realistically even if they left you everything I doubt there is enough money there to cover his and your costs for life. What did they expect you to live off? basically if you are looking after him that trust would need to provide living costs for both of you. Do they understand that?

Your brother does not have the mind of a 10-year-old, I remember getting ready for secondary school at 10. He is a toddler if he can't dress himself sorry. This is not something you should have to deal with. What happens when he is even older and needs physical help?

Shedya wrote:

NTA. Would some siblings do this for their brother or sister? Yes. Does that mean you have to do it for yours? Absolutely not. He is your brother, not your child. They could've asked? Yes, and you could've still said no. Pretty sh#$ty of them to assume you'd be doing it without asking.

OP is NTA here, it's just a tough situation.

Sources: Reddit
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