Woman's ex asks to stop child support so he can pay medical bills; 'not my problem.'

'My girls’ dad asked for me to stop paying child support, AITAH if I say no?'

I need help being objective…here it goes...I have two daughters’ with my ex, ages 14 & 16. Today he called to ask if there was anyway that I could stop child support payments.

'Now for both the back and the present story...'

We separated when my youngest was 2. From the moment he left till she was about 9, there was no court order child support. During those years, I, being foolish and prideful, thought that the best course of action was to not ask him for any support. I was the “I’ll figure it out.”

For the most part I was able to do that, there were a handful of times when my back was really against the wall that I would ask him to help, not so much by handing me money but buying them what they need, most of the time it had to do with whatever activity they were involved with. Each time, it was a “no, I can’t.”

When our oldest needed braces I at the age of 11, I came up with the down payment and made the monthly payments, I was living on a tight budget but we were making by.

That year for our youngest daughter’s birthday, I once again reached out to him and asked if for that month he could give that payment so I could some extra money for our youngest daughter’s birthday, he said no. That’s when I decided to get court ordered child support.

Which leads us today. He called me to ask if I could stop the child support payments because he cannot keep up with his wife’s medical bills. I truly don’t know what to respond. I told him that I needed to think about it…and this is where I’m struggling. I feel for them and their other kids, I do, but at the same time for 7 years, I had to figure it out on way or another.

The amount that was awarded is not a lot and honestly that’s not even the point, it always goes to something that the girls want or need and since the order was established I’ve never asked for an adjustment. When the girls need something they come to us, my SO and me. Even if the amount isn’t significant, why we have to accommodate them, I know that’s the wrong word, I can’t think of a better one.

My SO says f$%k it, we’ll figure it out like we always do, but I’m struggling to get there. My SO thinks that one of the reasons I’m struggling with this is because “when things go south, you always get s#^t on and the girls don’t even fu&^ing know.” If it matters him and I have been together for 5 years and has an active role in their lives.

I’m just really struggling with sorting out all these past and present emotions. I want to be the bigger person and say yes because at the end of the day this affects my girls’ step siblings, but I also want to say, yeah, that’s not my problem. What advice do you have for me?

Info: I was a teen mom. I was 18 when my oldest was born.

Here's what people had to say to OP:

rice-bunny writes:

I understand why you feel the way you do. It's easy for third parties to tell you to say no and that he needs to pay. While true, it doesn't make you feel any better.

I'm a family law lawyer and have represented many parents who were in your situation. They say, 'it's not about the money' and 'I'll figure it out like i always do'. I appreciate that, and the desire to avoid sinking the other party, but I always tell them that our courts believe that child support is the right of the child. They are entitled to the best financial support possible.

Taking the child support doesn't mean you aren't capable of providing for them, it just means that you're getting money that the children have a right to. The payee is basically an advocate for the children, who can't speak up about this and ask for it themselves. You are not greedy for wanting it - a court certainly won't think so.

So just keep telling yourself, 'I'm advocating for my kids'. Hopefully that can help make these child support discussions a bit easier.

s3xylemur writes:

It sounds like you don't NEED his finances support at this moment, but you want to keep it on principle strictly because of the past.

If he's falling behind because of medical bills give him a break for a year or two, with the condition that if you also fall on hard times he'll step up. Life is more complicated than we care to admit.

louluthekitty OP responded:

It feels layered, do they need it, no. We provide for them. At the same time, if it is over deferred or paused, idk, what do they get return? I know it sounds awful.

NotSorry2019 writes:

I find the idea you are even considering this to be extremely DISRESPECTFUL to YOUR DAUGHTERS. Please stop trying to protect their “step/half siblings” because there are already two people watching out for them, while your daughters only have YOU.

Enough is enough - he needs to stop treating your two daughters like second class citizens who aren’t entitled to housing, food, clothing or extra curricular activities because he’s got a replacement family he wants to take care of.

louluthekitty OP responded:

Thank you, as I’m reading through comments, I’m seeing how much of a betrayal it is to my girls.